cjdaweasel.com

A friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend, and of course, came whining to me about it. I tried to give him the two ole speeches: “You’ll find another” and FUCK that BITCH (what can I say I’m a romantic at heart).

Failing this I realized that there wasn’t any reason to believe that:

A) There was another girl out there for him or

B) That he would find another better for him.

So I did a little bit of research on a few common “errors” that most people in relationships make and tried to settle the score:

First of all, the most common phrase in relationships, or rather movies about relationships is “You’re one in a million”. This I find to be a grossly insulting insinuation.  There are currently 6.5 billion people on earth, which means that even if you are 1 in a million, there are give or take 6,500 people just like you. That’s a little over 500 soccer teams. While that last sentence proved nothing, it gave me an excuse to use my expensive graphing calculator.

Let’s pretend that you can’t follow a logical pattern and/or you can’t do math, so you don’t believe me. Since she broke up with you, there’s a 1 in 1 million chance (better than your chance of winning the lottery) that she’s going to end up stuck with someone just like you anyway. Serves her right.

Another wonderfully worthless saying is that “You’ll never find another girl like her”. First of all, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT TO? Do you want to be dumped AGAIN? But let’s assume that you’re a dumba** and you want to get back with someone just like her.

Let’s say again that there are 6.5 billion people in the world. According to our census data, 56-60% of the world is female. Yes, most of the world is female, straight men and lesbians rejoice.

Now, since I’m lazy and need to come up with an excuse to use a nice round number, let’s assume the best possible scenario – 60% of the world is straight women. That means that there is about 3 billion women (3.9 rounded down) in the world. According to the Human Genome Project there are about 20-25,000 protein-coding genes arranged in combinations of G,A,T,and C. This works up to something almost like 8 trillion different combinations. Basically: It ain’t happenin. Get over it.
But the good news is that there are about 3 billion women in the world. But, let’s assume (yes, yet again) that you’ve met “The One”. Not Neo.

Just to make my point I’m going to over-compensate the numbers. I’m going to assume that the ladies love you, and you get around. So I’m going to say that you’ve met everyone in the USA. That’s a tad over 300 million people, 60% of which are female, which works out to 180 million women that you’ve met. You dog you. Now of that group, let’s say that you’ve dated 50% of them. Personally I’ve never known anyone who’s dated 50% of the women that they’ve met, but let’s just assume that you’re the stud that I think you are.

That means that you’ve dated 90 million women (at 5 dollars a pop that’s about 450 million in flowers alone). Why the interest in this number? Well, if you’ve dated 90 million women, AND there are 3 billion women in the world that means that you’ve met 6% of the women the world has to offer and only dated 3%. No search in any field of study would be considered complete if you’ve neglected 97% of the applicable sources. Which means that  because you’ve seen the shoes of more people than you’ve dated, you have a better chance of knowing who has the coolest shoes in world than if the person you are with really is “The One”.

What does all this prove other than I can use TI-83+? It proves that chasing the Hollywood dreams of the perfect romance is not only statistically improbable, and scientifically impossible, its fucking stupid. Get over her and get the new Virtua Fighter game. At least you can win at that.

Seriously James, get the f*** over her.

-Your friend, CJ

Sources:

(1) ibiblio.org/lunarbin/worldpop
(2) webmath.com/cgi-bin/lottery.html
(3) ornl.gove/sci/techresources/Human_Genome/faq/genenumber.shtml
(4) howmanyofme.com

TMI: 2 days of WoW
..or “Why I Hate Twilight Fans and Your Sword”

Everyone needs to stop giving me information I don’t ask for. For example, why do people insist on telling me how long it takes them to read a particular book? Twilight and Harry Potter fans are the WORST about this. Constantly updating me on how many days/hours/minutes/seconds it took them to read a particular volume of one of these insipidly boring series. If there’s one thing I hate more than sparkly vampires, it’s people who insist on telling me that they took two days to read about sparkly vampires.

First of all, these books are written on a seventh grade level. If it took you LONGER than two days then you either need to free up five minutes a day, or you should put the book down before you hurt someone. They’re big books and you might drop it or accidentally mistake it for an anal suppository. And just because it’s big doesn’t mean anything. Make the print large enough and slap an inch margin around it and I could turn the Nutrition Facts on a box of Oreos into a 400 page novel.

So as you can see, we don’t care, and for good reason. Read Jared Diamond’s ‘Guns, Germs and Steel’ in two days and and then I’ll think about acting impressed, but probably not.

Also, WOW players, you have got to stop telling us about your character’s stats and gear. We really don’t care. Have you guys actually looked at your armor? If I gave my little brother a few crayons and charged him with the task of outfitting a clown army, what you have on would come damn close to the first draft.

And your weapons are pretty silly looking too. They’re huge and impractical to the point of comedy. They’re covered with so many sparkly things they could be confused for a metal Christmas tree at a gay pride parade.

You DO realize that those items you’re so proud of, that you waste hours/days/weeks of your life collecting, don’t exist, right? Your 50-socket +3 bajillion Armour Uber-Rare Chest-plate of Total Loserness that you’re so damn proud of is just a couple of numbers in a database somewhere. We’re not impressed because it isn’t cool. Well, not as cool as reading Harry Potter in two days.

-cjdw

At the risk of being the last person on the internet writing about it, I’d like to give my thoughts on Spam. God knows they’re listening and me bitching about it will surely bring the whole Spam ring to a grinding halt.

In case you don’t know what spam is: leave. I have no idea how you reached this site, and you’ve obviously lost your way. Also, I’d like to point out that A) This is not the forum to explain it, B) This is not the TV and C) No we don’t want to see pictures of your cat. We have enough cat pictures thank you.

The internet can be broken down into nine fundamental elements.
1- Wikipedia
2- Youtube
3- Google
4- Porn
5- Cat Pictures
6- Gross Porn
7- Really Gross Porn
8- Email
9- Bittorent

Just like Resident Evil, if you mix certain things together, you get something entirely new, some good, some bad. On the good side if you mix Youtube and Bittorent, you get iTunes or if you mix email and google, you get Gmail.

On the bad side however, things can get pretty dark. For example, when you mix Wikipedia and porn, you get cjdaweasel.com. Even two good things put together like Email and Porn get you Spam.

As you can see, just like atom bombs, which I’m pretty sure is the combination of atoms and Jager Bombs (two very good things), Spam is really just the combination of two good things gone wrong. And too much good has a tendency to lap itself and breed evil (see: Star Wars).

To say Spam is evil is to oversell it. Spam doesn’t bother me when it makes sense, such as “Get a BIGGER penis since we could all (small rodents included) use bigger penises. In fact, our pensises could probably use bigger penises.

But when spam comes along and both clogs my inbox and confuses me, is when I start getting angry. Take the one I got the other day with the subject “Interpose up to tonsils!”. Beyond the fact that I had to look up three of those words, what the hell is that supposed to mean? That isn’t an advertisement, that’s what you get when Thesauruses marry thier cousins.

See, I run a website where I make fun of people less fortunate than me (fat people, stupid people, religious people), so those reading my site must automatically assume that “Hey! He makes fun of others because he has a small penis I’ll send him some free literature to help him with that issue.”

While I certainly appreciate the thought brother, though it seems to be misplaced, and despite the title I don’t see how I can interpose anything with Viagra knockoffs. That would be forgivable if Spam were confined to my email.

But Spam is not only in email, this is a common mistake. Ads on webpages are spam, in boxes (see? in boxes? instead of inboxes? I’m so clever). Really, they’re practically the same thing. Advertisements for stuff you don’t want in places that could be used for other things. Other things like ads for porn.

Ads for porn don’t count as Spam since they allow me to look at naked girls at work without getting into trouble. I just have to loudly exclaim every sixty minutes or so “HOW WILL I EVER GET ALL THIS WORK DONE WITH ALL THESE ADS ON MY SCREEN?”

I do that not so I have a cover, but so everyone will avoid my cube. Who wants to be seen with the crazy guy who shouts the same thing at consistent hourly intervals? Except for that guy named Billy. Billy would hang around even if I was stripping naked and dancing the Macarena every time the second hand passed the number three.

Come to think of it, that’d be awesome. Maybe get a goofy hat and a banjo. On second thought, you’re alright Billy.

I’ve totally lost track of what I was talking about, so I guess the whole point of this post is: stop putting ugly-ass cat pictures on the internet. It’s pissing me off.

* See the whole title is “You Have Male Phallus Problems” or “You have Male PP”. It’s only funny if you think about it too hard.

The Future of Weapons and Leg Injury

There are a lot of weapons out there. We’ve got revolvers, machine guns, nuclear missles and other weapons for war and sport. This is directly related to the fact that humans have spent century after century learning fantastically interesting ways to kill each other under various circumstances.

Do we want to kill just one guy? If so, a pistol will do. What if there’s more than one guy with him? Then we’ll use a machine gun. What if the whole town tries to fight back? Then we’ll use a missle. What if he runs away? Then we’ll nuke the whole damn country. We’re a versitile race in some respects.

So what happens when we get so many weapons that we start running out of names for them? Tommy Guns, Patriot Missles, and Cop-Killer Bullets are examples of everyday names that have been commandeered by weapons as descriptions for how they work. Well, the cop killer bullets anyway. So far no one named Tommy that I know owns one of these guns, and the Patriot missle has a bad habit of not making very many patriots.

But this is all beside the point. What names will we have to use in the future of weaponry, and how will they work? To resolve this I’ve taken several technical terms (some not), and dropped them into a weapon. Then, based on what said word means, explained how the weapon works, and how we can go about shooting ourselves in the foot in order to get out of military service.

Super Happy Joy Fun Weapon List

Ethernet Gun: You cannot shoot yourself in the foot while anyone else in your neighborhood is simultaneously shooting themselves in the foot.

Token-Ring Gun: You get the shotgun once a day, whether you need it or not. You can only shoot yourself in the foot with this rifle, with one bullet. If you miss, too bad.

ISDN Gun: No one is exactly sure how the rifle works, but shooting yourself in the foot requires $300 worth of equipment, and a $150 /mnth.

Frame-relay Gun: If you have a dedicated rifle, you actually can’t shoot yourself in the foot because you haven’t specified which logical barrel to use.

DSL Gun: Anyone, who has the correct number of fingers can shoot themselves in the foot. But first you must make sure that you have silencers on all the other guns in your house, whether you use them or not.

Cable Gun: You have the most sofisticated gun available, and are garunteed a certain number of bullets every day, but you have to share the gun with the rest of your block.

Mac Gun: You can shoot yourself in the foot in five easy to remember ways, but if the gun locks, then no one will be able to help you.

Windows Gun: The gun takes 10 minutes to load, and then locks constantly.

Linux Gun:
$sudo passwd root
$sudo passwd -l root
#mkdir usrshootfoot

Remote Desktop Gun: You log into your companies gun and shoot yourself from three states away.

Recycling Gun: Exactly like the Trash can Gun, but you feel better about using it.

Tech Support Gun: One of our trained rifles will be with you in a moment.

Schwarzenegger Gun: Terminates your foot. It’ll be back.

Fundamentalist Gun: Shoots your foot and then sends it straight to hell.

MPAA Gun: Shoot as many feet as you want with the gun, just as long as you aren’t naked while doing it.

ESRB Gun: Very much like the MPAA gun, but makes less sense.

RIAA Gun: Did you pay for those bullets?

HMO Gun: It looks like a great gun until you try to use it.

Marlboro Gun: There are no conclusive studies showing that feet have died as a result of gunfire.

Star Wars Gun: The first three bullets fired (which are actually the 4th, 5th and 6th bullets respectively) work great, but any after that jam.

Star Trek Gun: If you invert the tachyon field matrix and the flux diameter you can make a phase-varience web around the stock of the gun, allowing you to fire at your foot more accurately.

Dusty: Shoots himself.
Take that History Channel

These are basically the same ones that are under the deMotivational link above, but I put some kick-ass music to it. And quite frankly it’s easy to drag, drop and add a few public domain(ish) songs. You’re Welcome.