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The End of the World

Conclusion

There’s a lot of things to be afraid of on this planet, like rapists and Mormons, but you can’t let it control you. You can’t let the world party while you sit in your fallout shelter with $300 in bottled water and a Y2k Ready Port-A-Potty. But you can prepare for the eventual end of the world with a few necessities, in the event that aliens invade because the love messages that NASA’s sending them got too graphic. So, here to help as always, I give you my MUST HAVE list for the Armageddon.

1. Water – In order to drink and bathe as well as other things. Don’t drink too much, being that the human body is already 80% water, you’re pretty close to drowning as it is.

2. Food – You’ll probably want to pack things that are ready to eat, in the off chance that your microwave breaks or that Papa John’s Pizza shuts down for the Apocalypse.

3. Old Spice – If you don’t want/need to bathe, or you want a cheep air freshener, you’ll need some old Spice to freshen up.

4. Monopoly – You’ll have lots of time to kill and this game takes for fucking ever.

5. Framed Picture of George Bush/Bill Gates/Tom Green – To remind you of why you’re not going to miss civilization that much.

6. Hustler Magazine – Trust me, it will become important.

7. Clothes – Because being naked is fun until you have to sit on a concrete floor.

8. Gun – In case anyone tries to steal your Hustler Magazine.

9. Condoms – The only thing worse than being one of the last humans alive in a post-apocalyptic nightmare is being one of the last humans alive in a post-apocalyptic nightmare with an STD.

10. Pets – Initially they’ll offer protection and companionship, but as time wears on, they’ll be the only food source that will come to you when you call.

Beyond that, the rest is up to you. But now I hear the question: “Now that I’ve prepared for the End of the World, which end am I preparing for?” To which I would answer “Shut up voices in my head.” Just in case though, I’ve set up the different ends of the world and a rating scale of probability of them coming true based on the very real possibility of all the worlds writing utensils coming to life and revolting against the humans that dragged their faces across paper. I also chose this rating system because it’s extremely abstract and therefore difficult to argue with.

Y2K

Believability: 1 Sharpie

I know this may shock some people, but there is a remote possibility that we may not be dead. Outside of Sureway’s register system going on the flop, exactly what were people expecting? Nuclear missiles to go flying off to other countries? I hope that I’m not the first one to point this out, but why would Nuclear missiles built in the late 70s need to know the date in the first place? And even if they did, certainly they wouldn’t be scheduled to launch in the year 1900.

Maybe the DoD was preparing for some sort of Back to the Future thing where Marty McFly sends a couple of missile silos back in time to 1899 with some Communists, and we have bomb China before Jan. 2 1900. And in a triumphant conclusion it is found out that the missiles were already set and they destroy the Red Chinese before they can launch their plans for world domination. Or maybe it was all bullshit to begin with.

Of course, it could have been a practical joke that the programmers put in. One time in my Scheduler I set myself up to attend Woodstock ’69, but when it rolled over to the year 2000, my Palm Pilot turned into a missile and blew up my apartment. I tried to explain this to the police, but I was still booked for Arson.

Jesus

Believability: 2 Pens and a Pink Crayola

The idea that a dead Jewish guy is going to come back to life with a bunch of trumpets and horses seems a bit weird. And since a most of the world’s religions don’t even believe he exists, and those that do believe in him have a nasty habit of killing people that disagree with them, I’d say that if he is coming back he’s not going to take anyone with him anyway.

Besides, Jesus is like the Manager of Earth, he decides what gets done, who does it, and then has other people make up the reasons as to why it was a good idea to do it in the first place. And as any person who’s had any job for more than 27 seconds knows, managers will soon as bend the laws of physics before they’ll admit that they could have possibly maybe partially in part been slightly incorrect at some point in the far and distant past about some trivial matter that in no way would have effected the outcome of one of their decisions. If Jesus the Manager does in fact exist, then he’d never admit that he goofed on the human race. And we all know he did.

Rocks

Believability: 4 Smelly Markers

It’s really hard to find fault with the theory that we’ll all be wiped out by Asteroids that burn through our atmosphere, slam into our planet, and begin humping our monkeys. It seems pretty iron-clad. Excluding the fact that there literally hundreds of miles of space, and that our planet is but a small fraction of that void, what do we have on our side? The only thing we really have protecting us from falling rocks from the sky (titanium umbrellas aside) is the magnificently crappy SPACE GUARD, who have a better chance of correctly naming all the new spring fashions for the upcoming year than giving us valuable rock forecasting information.

It seems to me, of all the things that can fall from the sky, big ole rocks would be top of the list. Yet we pay a weather man in California a 6 digit salary to tell us if water is going to come from the sky in big drops, or itty bitty drops, and he can’t do that without giving us some sort of  % of chance. I just want to know the weather, if I wanted to do math, I’d go back and finish 5th grade.

The End

It will come, at some point or another. Several Scientists say that we have only a few measly million years left until our sun runs out of fuel and explodes, turning every cow on earth into a well done steak. Which scientists, I don’t know. It never give their names, which makes me think that they’re lying. But by that time humanity will either have reduced themselves to dust or learned how to move stars around and spell out naughty jokes in the sky. When the time comes, I hope that there’s someone like me, telling my “Pirate and the French Whore” joke to the world with supernovas.

The End of the World

Part III : Homosexual Rocks from Outer Space

Usually, when someone thinks about the end of the world, about where aliens come from, or is wildly confused about the direction of down, they point up at the stars. Its been a commonly held belief that the end of the world will come from “up there”. A big rock will fall out of the sky and make us all extinct like Dinosaurs and Disco.

Meteors and Asteroids are huge balls of ice and rock that fly through space annoying other planets in our universe. They don’t signal, make lots of rude gestures, and rarely have insurance. Once in a while, they get drunk and fly to a nearby planet and either crash into it, or fry in the atmosphere. Every year over two tons of meteor dust burn up in the Earth’s atmosphere. This also is exactly the same amount of TV on DVD that consumers burn each year when they realize it’s the same crap with all the commercials at the beginning.

To avoid destroying humanity, and so rich people don’t get all that dust on their Escalades, a group of scientists called SPACE GUARD watch the skies hoping to stop any of these wayward rocks from crashing into the Earth. SPACE GUARD did not of course start out by watching the skies for falling rocks, they were originally a Saturday Morning cartoon that came on after Superfriends. It featured a shack next to the Hall of Justice with Meteordude, Asteroid Gal, and Captain Thylacine who would search for Asteroids and occasionally borrow, and then fail to return, tools from Batman’s Garage. The show was eventually cancelled due to lack of plot, and was replaced with the Banana Splits show, which was deemed “more mature”. The members of SPACE GUARD then went to college, got real jobs, and promptly quit them to watch for rocks again.

SPACE GUARD hasn’t been all failures though. There was one Asteroid that they deemed as likely to hit Earth, but by the time they realized it was there, it was determined that it was actually 300,000 miles from hitting earth, besides, it had passed us already. It was declared a close call.

I hear you though. Off by 300,000 miles? How do you do that? Well, from what I understand, which is precious little, that because of the way that light is pulled, it takes several months for SPACE GUARD to figure out where an asteroid is going. Which means that by the time they figure out that the rock isn’t a spot from Dr. Smith getting “friendly” with the telescope, its already wiped out Madagascar.

There’s also another theory that states that viruses and bacteria came from space on rocks as well. There’s one website that states that SARS came from outer space piggybacking an asteroid. This fits perfectly with my theory that AIDS actually came from a gay meteor that landed that started humping monkeys. You may not agree with me, or find it funny, but it makes just as much sense as the SARS theory.

Hollywood has other ideas though. Instead of blowing the rock out of the way, they want to send people that are in love to the asteroid, and have them drill holes and place explosives in it to break it up. The idea of training drillers to be astronauts just might be a waste of time. It just seems to me that it would be easier to train astronauts with Double PhDs to drill, than teaching single brain celled drillers how to fly a spaceship. By that logic, we should be training cows to be astronauts so they can go to Mars. Well, there’s methane on Mars.

Of course the movie Deep Impact was even more unbelievable, a black president? Yeah right.

Surviving Gay Meteors from Space:

Here are just a few good ideas to keep us from getting flattened by a big chunk of rock.

1. Support Bush’s Space-based Defense system. If asteroids are coming to destroy earth, then maybe we can flip it around and shoot at the rocks with missiles. It would be like a billion dollar version of missile command.
2. Put Rockets on the moon. Then, fly the moon around like a cue ball and knock the asteroid out of the way. Sure it could destroy the tidal structure on earth, but we could put a few commercials out describing it as “major waveage”.
3. Redirect it to hit the middle east. They like rocks.
4. Have everyone stand one on top of the other. Since nothing has weight in space, simply have the top person push the rock out of the way.
5. Build a gun that turns rock into pie. Then, create a huge tinfoil lining to catch the asteroid and then hit it with the ray. It will cook in the atmosphere and rain delicious pie from the sky for hours.

The End of the World

Part II : Ending the World with Jesus

As usual, Christianity intends to end the world as well. At Countdown.org they’ve thankfully mapped out the demise of earth and told us exactly how Jesus would want it done. I just hope that they’re wrong and that Jesus would make a better website than this. The end of the world should at the very least include some Flash Animation.

But really, if you’re bringing about the end of civilization as we know it, PR via your website is the least of your concerns. Such things that should concern you are the signs of the apocalypse, like weather forecasting. If you don’t believe that weather forecasting is a sign of the apocalypse, just remember that Matthew said it was. If you are still not convinced just check out that book about a guy who can turn a piece of wood into a snake. A book like that wouldn’t lie.
So, in the interest of simplicity, and for reasons that could be summed up by my inability to craft coherent sentences, I’ve created a system to gauge the signs of the apocalypse to make them easier to understand for non idiots:

Name: This is the name of the sign of the apocalypse be it the Famine, War, or The Fat Boys.

Desc.: If you don’t know what Desc. is an abbreviation for, please go back to playing Neopets.

Believability: This is how believable it is that this is in fact a sign of the Apocalypse. I used a scale of how much money Jerry Falwell could con from an elderly woman using biblical quotes related to this.

Fear Rating: This rating is how scared someone would be of this particular disaster. Rating ranges from [Fluffy Bunny] (with a rating of 1) to [Michael Jackson] (with a rating of 749,274).
War
Desc: When a large group of people get their feelings hurt and decide that the only thing that will make them feel better is to kill people. Countdown.org informs us that “in both World War 1 & 2, total war was waged”. Which goes a long way to explain the highly cryptic name of “World War”

Believability: $113 An elderly woman doesn’t have much more time to live, so dying in a war isn’t going to knock too much off their life.

Fear Rating: 8,736 [Roseanne Barr], War is pretty bad, it can destroy entire houses, starve its inhabitants, and make it impossible to move around. Which is the same effect as having Roseanne Barr over for dinner.
Famine
Desc: This is when a society doesn’t have enough food to feed its people, kind of like when fat Uncle Jim comes to the family reunions.
Believability: $2 We have fast food restraunts throwing away tons of food every day, and considering that most of the things that we eat now don’t even involve growing anything, convincing grandma that we’re going to starve to death is going to be hard to do.
Fear Rating: 4 [Angry Fluffy Bunny], Most of America is full of incredibly fat people. If tomorrow no food was available, it’d take a couple of months before a majority of the population would actually begin to starve.

Plagues
Desc: This is that yellow stuff that gets on your teeth when you don’t brush them, or maybe its when you get sick. Either way it involves bacteria.
Believability: $2,342 You can usually use disease to con money out of people. Whether its cancer, AIDS, or an invisible man who lives in the sky, Christians are deathly afraid of things that they can’t see, which goes a long way to explain its place in a Jesus-induced Armageddon.
Fear Rating: 7384, [Wanda Sykes]. Just like Wanda’s TV show, it will make you sick, you’ll groan a lot, and if you’re around it for long enough, you’ll die.
Traffic
Desc: According to Countdown.org bad traffic will destroy the world. They use a prophet named Nahum (I think they stole this name from a medicated foot powder), who says that the end of the earth will come by way of Automobiles. This is utterly ridiculous. There’s no way only one guy came up with something this retarded all by himself.
Believability: $50,000 If you’ve ever seen the documentary Trucks then you’ll know that its not only a possibility that cars will take over the world, but a reality.
Fear Rating: 37 [Fat Uncle Ted], Big, bulky, full of gas, and would easily be confused with “Trucker Bob”.

The Antichrist:
According to Countdown.org, the antichrist will require that everyone worship him, he will attempt to bring peace to the Middle east, and be homosexual. This means that yes, the purple Teletubbie is the antichrist.

The purple Teletubbie will rise in power, and begin his campaign across Europe. Once he has conquered the whole of Europe, he will turn against the United States and raise George Washington from the dead. Then, the aliens that have been abducting Hill Billies, will come down and attempt to destroy George. When they hit him with their Etoplazm Rays, he will grow to the size of Alaska, and then eat Rhode Island followed by most of the Eastern seaboard. Then Jesus will come down and blah de blah blah blah. The End.

This exciting story will soon be available as a hardback comic (I’ll use a Lucky Charms box) available to whomever comes to my apartment door and asks for one. Limit: One Customer

Surviving Christian Armageddon:
To survive Earth’s demise at the hands of a Purple purse carrying alien, one needs a few simple things to survive.

1. Do not stow any weapons. This is just a waste of space. The Antichrist will have bombers, fighter jets, nukes, and millions of troops. If he wants in, he’s getting in.
2. Do not receive Jesus’s free gift of everlasting life. Last time I got a free gift, a week later I got a bill for 200 dollars and a bunch of sports equipment.
3. Buy as much as you can on your credit card. Once the world comes to an end, no one’s going to come looking for the 200 dollars you borrowed to buy sports equipment.
4. Pay your taxes. Armageddon or no, they’ll still get you.
5. Do not Feed the Celebrities. Most Anorexic celebrities with no survival instincts will die off fairly quickly, but the ones that do survive should not be fed. It’s natural selection, as acting will not be a requirement in a post-apocalyptic world.

The End of the World

Part I : We All Died in 2000

In 1999, as Americans, we completely fucking lost it. It is sad that we had to close the century being afraid of two digits of the date. Most of us (I say “us” as in not me, I got mad drunk) were too scared to leave our houses and do ANYTHING on new years 1999. Most Americans hid in their cellars and listened to other people have fun on the radio. If you hid in or near a basement on new years eve in ’99, you get a free tattoo, courtesy of me, in either “Scared of my own shadow” or “Completely Uninformed” flavors. Your choice.

But in the grand American tradition of not taking blame for anything, we can look to those that declared that the world was going to end in 2000. Let’s blame them. Using Google (Henceforth shall be referred to as God), I tracked down some of the things that people were writing around that time. Most have been removed, for obvious reasons, but the few of them that remain paint a clear picture of what exactly we were (or weren’t in most cases) thinking at the time.
Soon to be my favorite writer of insane gibberish, Captain Thylacine, wrote a fascinating article about the end of the world, the establishment of the new world order, famine, war, and other words that get listeners to send money to charities. Written in 1996, the eminent, and respectable Captain Thylacine tells us that the world will end by 2001. So, as you can see, we’re all already dead and we just don’t know it. It’s kind of like 6th sense, but with out annoying little kids and some weird symbolism with the color red.

Also Capt. T lets us know that in 1999 there will be a nuclear assault on the US. Who will launch this attack, or why they will, he does elaborate on. He does complete a fairly decent essay (I give it a C+) that is sprinkled with a fair share of big words to remind us that yes, he does own a Thesaurus. He does point a finger at Mount Weather (a nuclear fallout shelter) and why the Russians would bomb it stating “No base, no matter how deep inside a mountain, could survive a full assault of their ICBMs.” Which begs the question of why they would bother bombing a mountain in the middle of a forest with a “full assault”. Unfortunately that requires a Doctorate in Idioticy, and is beyond my scope of stupidity.

Somewhere in Russia:
General: “How are their Military Installations?”
Officer: “In tact sir!”
General: “How are their Armies?”
Officer: “In tact sir!”
General: “How are their Airports?”
Officer: “In tact sir!”
General: “What about that mountain we talked about?”
Officer: “Blew that to dust sir!”
General: “Good! I hate rocks.”

Too bad that didn’t happen. I don’t know exactly what a nuclear assault is like, but I did microwave a few Glow in the Dark Stickers once, and if its anything like that (and Microwaves are form of radiation according to my Junior Illustrated Encyclopedia of Science), then Armageddon will be fairly disappointing, incredibly messy, and probably cost someone their allowance for a month.*

Survival Plan or Your Death and How to Deal With It:

Seeing as we are all dead, Survival is pretty moot. So here are some tips on being dead:

1. Don’t breathe – You’ll be wasting oxygen that living things might be able to use.
2. Don’t have sex – You’re Dead! That’s just sick.
3. Don’t Dance – This will put excess stress on your limbs, and you might lose one.
4. Also, being a dead soulless shell of a human, you will have the qualifications to write television scripts for NBC.
5. Avoid Open Flames - The farther you get past death, the more moisture leaves your body, and the more flammable you become. There are better ways to spend the rest of eternity than as a pile of soot.

*I did a search for Mount Weather and got a page about New Zealand. I dropped out of school in the 4th grade so my geography is rather lacking, but Mount Weather is near Washington, and W is really close to Z in the alphabet, so they’ve got to be close.

The End of the World

Introduction

As everyone knows now, the world is coming to an end soon. If we take a look at the world, it is sure that the end is upon us, the signs showing everywhere in the form of  famine, poverty, reality TV, and the re-emergence of bell-bottoms in fashion. All of these  clearly point out that Evil is in control, and that we are all going to die a horribly fiery death, with the rise of the Antichrist, and some guys on horses. But the question remains, how will this terrible end come about?

This question has plagued me for minutes, so in order to solve the problem I pooled my vast resources, consisting of Google, my Master’s Degree in Idioticy, and the instruction manual for my blender. Using these invaluable tools I crafted a series of past and future possibilities for Armageddon, examined sources related to the topic, and created a survival plan in the event that we were struck by this calamity. Then, due to an unfortunate accident involving a two liter of Lotsa Root beer and a midget stripper in a bumblebee costume, the entire essay was lost. So I swung into action and created another essay using last minute phone research, which usually degraded to me asking them if they had Prince Albert in a Can.

Nevertheless I persisted, and in the next series of articles that examine all of these facets, and I will cover many different areas including past End of the World prophecies, a scientific view of the issue, as well as how Jesus wants it done.

I would like to take a moment first to thank Mr. Winston, who was so senile, I had to explain to him who Prince Albert was, and what he would be doing in a can in the first place.

The Search for the Funny

Part IV.II : The Showdown of the Cute and Scary Finalists

Finally we had our two finalists:

Jesus Monkguins

Score: 136,004

Pros: Cute, Easy to Laugh at, possibly deadly

Cons: Christians with their humor glands removed wouldn’t find it funny, Poorly drawn, kinda dumb… correction: really dumb. correction: unbelievably dumb. ["Downright Retarded" -Ed.]

Laugh Factor: Absurdity is great, religious absurdity is better. When people take themselves so seriously, and then produce something like this its a bit like a 50ft tall monster that eats people knitting sweaters. Only with Jesus, and a bad drawing, which makes it better.

Handyman Baby Polar Bear (possibly a ferret):

Score: 951

Pros: As Jennifer put it: cute. Possibly evil, and did a fantastic job installing that hot tub upstairs.

Cons: Not near as scary as the Monkguin, but far fuzzier. In a duel the Jesus Monkguin would win, based solely on the fact that it would be difficult to kill something that doesn’t exist.

Laugh Factor: I thought I’d laugh until I cried when I saw him get the baseboards 1/4′ off, or the time that he accidentally bought porcelain polish for that steel frame. Ahhh… good times, but really not that funny.

WINNER: Jesus Monkguins

I just don’t have enough to say about this picture. It has the three easiest to ridicule into one package: Religion, Monkeys, and Hybrid Animals. Okay, maybe two of the easiest things to ridicule. Besides, anything that can make god cry is worth a second mention.

Funniest Person: Mr. T
Funniest Stereotype: Midgets (Super Munchkin Man)
Funniest Cute/Scary thing: Jesus Monkguins

Final Movie Title: Mr. T and Super Munchkin Man Versus The Monkeys of D.O.O.M. (this film as not yet been rated)

Now, to start my movie.

The Search for the Funny

Part IV.I : The Showdown of the Cute and Scary (Section 2)

Google Search 3: Pandas

This is quite obviously a picture of a baby Polar Bear trying to restore the oak flooring in a two story house near downtown San Francisco.

Scariness: 945

It’s not especially scary, being a baby bear. I do remember the story of Goldy.. hawn… and the three umm… panda bears. In which three bears were lifeguards… or something… and Goldie Hawn played the part of a soldier named Ryan, or Benjamin, or something. Anyway, the point is that you don’t fuck with bears.

Cuteness: 4

Jennifer decided that killer ferret instincts aside (she insists that it’s some kind of weasel), it looks really cute. At this point our disagreement over whether it was a bear or a ferret caused us to break out in a plastic sword fight. I won the duel because I broke the most stuff. I still say its a Polar Bear.

va SoH: 2

It seems logical that it would take at least two Klingon soldiers to kill a handy-man polar bear. One to lure him with an offer of free vinyl siding and the other to attack him from behind. I feel that one Klingon could not both sneak up behind him and give a good presentation of our fabulous products offered at reasonable rates.

Final Score: 951

Google Search 4: String Monsters

Do not be fooled by this picture. What you are seeing is one of the fearsome Kat Warriors of Alkamas locked in combat with the String Warriors from the Fourth Dimension. This battle was a bloody one with the Kat Warrior winning by only a narrow margin.

Scariness: 34
Prior to the battle, the bet was on the String Monster, being that it could transform itself into any form, and its “Cat’s Cradle”, was feared throughout the galaxy. The Kat Warrior had won by the end of the halluci… I mean battle, and posed no threat to anyone stronger than a sick toddler. Anything 34 miles away or more would have no trouble escaping.

Cuteness: 10
My sister is adamant that this is the cutest picture of the bunch. She almost went rogue and gave it an 11. Luckily I got to it first. Several swordfights, and a lot of broken Precious Moments figurines later, it was declared that a 10 was high enough.

Va SoH: .5

A paraplegic Klingon could beat this cat to death armed with a rubber pacifier and an empty DVD case. The only foreseeable problem is if the cat ran away, in which case the Klingon would need to roll to catch it. Hopefully it will run downstairs.

Final Score: 44.5

The Search for the Funny

Part IV.I : The Showdown of the Cute and Scary (Section 1)

Google Search 1: Children

At first I thought this was one of those rare shots of Bigfoot after a bad haircut, but it turned out to be, as Jennifer said “a mad little girl”. I’m going to take her word for it.

Scariness: 1

Midgets are funny, children are not. They destroy your life from the inside out and put peanut butter and jelly in the VCR. Though since this rating is based on “scariness” and not “annoying-ness”, the child… thing is only scary from one mile away or closer.

Cuteness: 2

Jennifer said that this is kind of cute, but not really cute. Yes that’s all she said. Her input is invaluable.

va SoH: 1

A blind Klingon Heroin addict could kill this thing with a stiff gym sock.

Final Score: 4

.

Google Search 2: Jesus Monkguins

I honestly thought this was a monkey. The idea that a monkey was thinking that Jesus was cool seemed kind of weird, so when my sister pointed out that it was a penguin, it all came together: Christians don’t make any damn sense.

Scariness: 135,983

I wouldn’t want to fight Jesus, much less Jesus with a super penguin/monkey hybrid sidekick. I figure that going up against Jesus with that kind of arsenal would be certain death.

Cuteness: 1

Jennifer said that the penguin was sort of cute, but being a Christian herself, said that even she didn’t need a monkeypenguin to remind her of the cool factor of Jesus. She gave the picture a perfect 10 for Retardation. And then she said something about Jesus crying over something. I wasn’t paying attention to her, hearing only the sweet sounds of the Baywatch opening theme coming from the living room.

va SoH: 20

It would take at least 20 Klingons to kill a ninja monkguin (monkey + penguin) trained by Jesus in the dark arts of walking on water. Besides, Jesus could turn all the water in their bodies to wine, getting them severely drunk, thus making the job of the Jesus monkguin fairly easy.

Final Score: 136,004

The Search for the Funny

Part IV : The Cute, The Scary, The Really Scary

The last part of my quest for the “Funniest Thing Ever” was to find something that was both cute and scary, like My Little Ponies.

In order to find something cute I was going to need an expert in the field of disgusting cuteness. Someone who had a complete disregard for how useful an item was, and who collect things based solely on their “cuteness”: my sister.

Also, I needed someone who had an underlying knowledge of what it was like to be scary, what it was like to be hated by millions for the ugly scariness that was their face. Someone who had been raised to the rank of hero on Planet Ugly and was defender of the “Early in the Morning with No Makeup” Fleet: my sister, Jennifer.

My arm hurts.

So we sat down and looked over a series of Google searches to find that elusive Third Piece to the puzzle. To assist us we developed a system to score what we found.

Scariness: This is how scary the subject is. Obvious scary things are: Aliens, Ghosts, Dentists and Republicans. This is rated on a scale of 1 to 238,856 depending on how many miles away from it you would have to be in order for you to feel safe. 238,856 is the distance to the moon, which is where you’d have to be to get away from the Republicans mentioned above. Considering that Bush Jr. is the only Republican that even shows interest in going to the moon, and he’s a guy who was given money to find oil in Texas… and couldn’t, I figure that the moon is the safest place to be.

Cuteness: How cute something is. My sister did all of these because I kept getting them confused with the scariness scale. Obvious cute things (as stated by Jennifer) are: Kittens, Clowns, My Little Ponies, and babies. (for those of you out there like me please substitute the preceding with: Stripper, Bikini Model, Baywatch, and Bikini Model Stripper on Baywatch respectively). The subject is given a rating of 1 to 10 depending on how many power puff girls it would take to equal its cuteness.

va SoH: This is my rating scale to give a tilt to the final outcome. It’s Klingon for “Ahh crap, it’s you”… I think. And since I have no idea how Klingon counting works, and according to my sources I don’t care, I used a scale of 1 to 20 based on how many Klingons with Bat’leths it would take to destroy an evil version of the subject.

The Search for the Funny

Part III : Awesome Stereotypes

So with the first part of my search complete, I moved on to the next, and probably my favorite part; the stereotype. I decided to call the KKK and get a few pointers on exactly how to point out flaws of one person and then attribute them to a whole race of people, and thankfully, they turned out to be a great help. The local chapter I called turned out to be a goldmine of rednecks with a great sense of racism. So I jotted down a few of the groups (along with a few I gathered from other sources such as Jerry Falwell, my grandpa, and a Huck Finn book)

The Huck Finn book was the least helpful considering I couldn’t read it. So to simulate the experience, in a language I’m almost fluent in: English, I tore up my Sega Genesis Instruction manual and threw the pieces in a box. Then I pulled the pieces from the box one by one and put them together. I got “[power butt] [on you]” and “[con] [your hand]“. While neither is very stereotypical, I’m sure that if I put them in a book some Christian group somewhere would protest me.

Without the ability to turn on my genesis, and having no other source of entertainment I turned to Google, my savior, and hoped that its infinite wisdom would guide me to my goal.

The first thing I found looked to be a Tupperware party. I’m not sure what all the bed sheets are about, but that might explain why they kept those burning marshmallows at the end of that long ass pole. Safety first.

The next thing I stumbled upon was a child version of the Blob. While not a stereotype, unless you count toddlers in cute pajamas, which is really scarier than it is funny, it is a picture I’m sure I won’t use somewhere else in my life, so here it is.

Then I found him. The funniest, stereotypical loon I could get my hands on. Let me warn you. When I first looked at this picture I laughed for almost 20 minutes, and was only saved from what would have been certain death by my screensaver, which just gave me the depressing flying Windows. It reminded me that yes, my ass was owned by Microsoft.

Being careful to shield my eyes, I uploaded the picture to this page, which may in fact be a picture of a can of baked beans, since I had covered my monitor with a towel for safety purposes. Meet your comedy doom. Its SUPER MUNCHKIN MAN.

So to recap we have determined that the funniest person is Mr. T, and the funniest stereotype is midgets, and most of all Super Munchkin Man. God was that funny.