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World News Later

The Terrorists Have Won

In case you didn’t know by now, the terrorists have kicked our collective Coalition asses. And while I’m always right and for the most part not accountable to anyone, I’m sure that there are those of you out there that can’t believe me at my word. You need “facts” and “information” to make a decision rather than just agreeing with the butthole that shouts the loudest and then switching over to reruns of Deal or No Deal.

For those of you who fit in the latter category I’m going to make you a deal. You read this post and I’ll show you a fool-proof way of stopping those crazy fun-loving terrorists from crashing our huge planes into buildings. Deal? Deal.

So if you’re not sure I’m correct (You Commie), I’ve gathered some research to prove my already-true point: The terrorists have flippin’ won.

First Study Sample: Beatrice
Beatrice is a lady that I work with that is unbelievably huge. She embodies the two extremes of hugeness.
The pity: “Oh, that poor thing, she she can barely sit in her chair.” (Usually said while convulsing with laughter)
The envy: “I wish I could get that fat and not give a shit.”

The Case:
Prior to 9/11 Bea ate at least 4-6 Little Debbie snack cakes a day. One when she came in, two at lunch, and one after. Sometimes she’d sneak one more in just before then end of work. My crack research squad misses nothing.

Now she eats only about 1 a day and a granola bar. Some say this is because she’s trying to lose weight and get better than 12 miles a gallon out of her Fiesta*, but I know the real reason she’s trying to lose weight. She’s preparing for they day that she will be forced to outrun a crashing commercial airliner.

I know this because every week on the news some terrorist somewhere is crashing, getting piloting lessons for, attempting to blow up, hijacking, or boarding a plane. Who cares about your gas mileage when Northwest Air could drop on your head at any moment?

Second Study Sample: Myself
Remember, if you don’t buy things and support the economy, the terrorists win. If you’re not spending your little Capitalist heart out, then you lose and bearded guys with AK-47s (At least that’s how they are in Rambo movies) totally freakin win. I hate to admit it guys, but I lost the war for us.

The Case:
I am a terrible back to school shopper. I had a couple of classes that I needed to buy some supplies for. Being the unpatriotic self-centered jerk that I am, I cannibalized what I could from my last semester’s classes and ended up only needing to buy two things. A folder and a ballpoint pen two-pack which added up to something like 2.39.

2.39?!?! The Economy majors out there will notice that this is even less when you consider the taxes that get taken out. Only something like 30 cents of the total actually goes to the government. You can’t build a bomb on that! You can’t even buy an entire cartridge of bullets for that. Heck that’s not even enough to buy a folder and a ballpoint pen two-pack. What are we going to do? Teach them to death?

How to Beat the Terrorists

We seem doomed. Beatrice is so scared of falling airliners that she’s started eating more healthily and I’ve sentenced us all to certain death by not buying a day planner. Since Terrorists love to board planes and slam them into buildings that most Americans are only half aware even existed, then we need to head this off at the source.

First of all, we need to understand the terrorist mind. This breaks down into three basic thoughts:
1) Kill everyone who disagrees with me.
2) Women should not wear short-shorts or tanktops.
3) The Alf TV series sucked and therefore the culture that created it must die.

Now, while I’m pretty sure that to some degree all of us agree with the third statement, the first and second are ridiculous.

If you kill everyone that disagrees with you then who are you going to pick on in high school? And of course, who are you going to flame at 3 in the morning on a message board on Gamespot for thinking that Mario is better than Sonic? I’ll tell you, NO ONE.

Number two actually confuses me more than number one. Is there any straight male out there that does NOT want to see half-clothed women? I’m not asking if your morals or religion allow it, I’m asking if you want to see it. Deep down every male will answer yes, more please. We all want to see it. In fact we’d all be happy if you women wore nothing. And ergo, we have my solution to the terrorist problem.

Some airfare companies are already taking measures to protect us, the scared-shitless American. They’ve been banning obviously dangerous things like knives, nose-hair trimmers, and deodorant.

But just recently though they’ve expanded the list to include things that I didn’t even know people brought on board airplanes (Why in the world would you bring a camcorder on a plane? Like your home videos weren’t boring enough). This list consists of a number of items that even if you gave all of them to a team of MacGyver, Terminator, and Ninja Steve they’d still have difficulty killing anything more vicious than a retarded wombat.

My problem with this list doesn’t lie in its extreme number of potentially un-harmful carry-ons as much as it lies in the system not going far enough. Airlines should ban EVERYTHING including earrings, toasters, and… wait for it… clothing.

Follow me on this. If terrorists don’t like seeing women in regular clothing (see above research), then they really won’t like seeing them naked, right? So they won’t board the plane in the first place. Now, assuming that a terrorist overcomes his desire to avert his eyes from temptations, and boards the plane, then where the hell is he going to stick a bomb? All security would have to look for is the middle-eastern guy walking a bit funny. Blamo! Captured terrorist. Am I a genius or what?

Before you go and say “Ha. ha. Very funny CJ.” and pass it off as an semi-amusing thought remember that one terrorist tried to blow up a plane with his shoes. Which if memory serves, is indeed an article of clothing. You know I’m right. No Clothes = No Bombs bigger than your anus.

I’m going to make you nay-sayers a deal, at the first sign of a terrorist putting a bomb up his butt and walking onto a plane naked, we’ll revise my plan. Deal? Deal.

*For those of you who don’t know what kind of car a Fiesta is: good. You should keep it that way. They suck.

3° World News Later

We do lots of weird shit

Artists do lots of weird shit. Like cut off parts of their bodies that they’re probably better off leaving in tact, trying to talk to plants and living in the middle of fucking nowhere. Its become almost a requirement for anyone to be a true artist they have to have a lifestyle that could possibly be confused for a serial killer’s To-Do list. When was the last time that you heard of a great artist who watched Monday night football, had 2.5 children (2 full children and a paraplegic), and thought that animals were put on earth to be eaten. Never. So it comes as no surprise that some idiot who wanted to be considered a true artist would need to do something really really dumb to even be considered for the position.

Lost Keys, Need Hacksaw

Trevor Corneliusien (don’t even bother trying to pronounce his last name) decided that he was not only going to do the old “live in the middle of fucking nowhere” by going all the way out in the desert, but he was going to one up that and bind himself in chains so he could “get a realistic depiction of chains on someone’s legs”. And the kicker: Trev forgot his keys to unlock the chains placing him 12 hours of hopping from the nearest bolt cutters. Next Up: The guy who went killer whale hunting with an unloaded pellet gun.

First of all, why the middle of the desert? Surely chains look the same in an air-conditioned room next to a phone with the Locksmith on speed dial as they do 25 miles from civilization. I’ve never been a location scout for an artists rendering of differing forms of S&M gear, but I’d have to say I’d have picked a place closer to a hardware store. The only thing I can hope for is that Trev knows something that I don’t. Maybe it was the lighting.

Ignoring that it would be easier for Trevor to just buy some cat litter and play bondage with himself on the roof, why even bother? It seems he could hire someone to put on some chains for him. If not that then maybe he could use Google. I mean if I go and image search for “Legs in Bondage” right now I get… okay scratch that. You did the right thing Trev. Don’t do a Google search.

[Click Here for the Google Search]

Go ahead. Do it.

Though it seems to be worth it all in the end. According to the Sheriff who helped Trevor out of this mess, said that “it was a pretty good picture of a man with his legs bound”. It damn well better of been. If you had pranced like a rabbit twelve hours through the desert and all you had to show for it was a painting that resembled the Enterprise being attacked by Phlegm, then by law you’d have to shoot yourself.

Dumb vs. Dumber

We, as dumbass Americans, do this kind of weird shit constantly. Then we turn around and wonder why people want to blow us up. It’s really hard to defend people like Trevor, he probably makes more than me yet he’s not smart enough to remember that he needs his keys when he goes and plays tie-up in the desert. But then again, some of the terrorists are pretty dumb as well, so I think we’re an even match.

One of those oh-so-lovable terrorists, Iyman Faris was charged with attempting to bring down the Brooklyn bridge with a handheld blow torch. I don’t know if you know how the Bridge is constructed, but I’ve seen Spiderman at least three times so I’m practically an expert in the area of Brooklyn Bridgeology. Let me explain how the system of load distribution works:

A) It uses a shitload of cables.

Now, let’s again assume that he gets there with his torch and climbs to the point on the bridge where he can cut the cables. How long does he think that he can stay up there? Eventually a passerby will probably realize that a construction company wouldn’t want to be dismantling the bridge while cars are still on it. Also, they just might might figure out that Iyman may not be a properly licensed bridge dismantler. Then, they just maybe-might-probably-hopefully reach the conclusion that he isn’t qualified to be taking it apart on his own, and they’d call the cops. This whole plan, unfortunately, relies on people not being as dumb as I think.

Of course these are the same people who use fertilizer bombs. You know, that just might be a sign that you’re not on the majority’s side. If you were in the majority it would seem that you would have the money to afford decent explosives. When you’re resorting to making explosives out of shit, you might want to consider a bake sale.

I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if terrorists were the ones that figured out the fertilizer bomb. One guy, sitting in his cave bored out of his skull lights his fart on fire. “Hey!”, he thinks “If I can get enough of this in one place…” Who else would pioneer a bomb that blows you up, then covers your charred corpse with poop? Well, besides evil clowns.

Evolution Strikes Again

Speaking of evil clowns, there’s an update on the Georgia case involving the stickers in their textbooks that I reported on a while back. The stickers that were to offer drool protection and bore students into a deep sleep that is necessary for surviving most biology classes have been removed from textbooks. Sensing defeat, the Intelligent Design Militia Group has moved their fight to Pennsylvania.

In Dover, PN both sides are looking pretty dumb, but in the stupidity wars the Intelligent Design people are always coming in first. Their biggest problem is that they’re trying real hard to pretend that ID isn’t religious. Lets check these out:
Christianity – The God created the world.
Intelligent Design – A God created the world.

Yeah, that’s the same thing. Changing an article (Articles are like “a” “an” or “the” for those of you who had particularly comfy grammar books in High School) in the sentence doesn’t remove the religion. If I say “I’m going to beat you with the bat” or “I’m going to beat you with a bat” you’re going to get your ass kicked either way.

Even assuming that Intelligent Design were true then I don’t think that we would want to teach it to our children. No wonder we keep creating a population that chains themselves up in the middle of the desert, forgets to make a spare key and argues whether we look like gorillas or not. We’re designed from birth to think that an old guy who lives in the sky is watching everything that we do, and now we want to remind ourselves every time we open a book. As Americans, we do lots of weird shit.

3° World News Later

Idiots Sue Everything and Lose.

People have got to stop protesting stupid shit. In New York in preparation for the holidays, people are looking for ways to piss other people off. Chief among these are the Krupniks who have decided that in order to celebrate Christmas, you need to have lots of blood, a beheaded Doll, and a Santa wielding a knife. Screw the chestnuts.

The Truth About Santa and Bush

Of course, as with anything that’s even remotely close to cool, people are going to get their panties in a wad over it. Peter Nardoza, 81, Member of the “We Get Offended at Everything” Council commented “What kind of a world is this that we live in?”. Well Peter, the answer to that is ’round’, but technically we don’t live in it, but on it. Getting back to the point Peter, that this country is almost ruled by a document called the Constitution and  there just happens to be a part of the constitution about free speech followed by a sentence that reads “no man shall be refused the right to mutilate a Santa Claus to get their name in the paper”.

Don’t try to fool yourself, that’s exactly what they’re trying to do. Claims by the Krupniks that this was supposed to be “fun” and that they “didn’t put it up to offend anybody” are bullshit. You don’t mutilate a Santa Claus and depict him removing the heads of dolls and expect someone with no sense of humor not to get pissed. Doing completely benign things like having sex pisses these people off, mostly because they’re 81 like Peter and not getting laid anymore. But really Peter, you can’t blame the Krupniks, if you have a name like that and you don’t already own an investment firm or a savings and loan then you have to get into the paper somehow.

The people getting upset over this are probably the same group that got mad at George Bush when he sent out “Happy Holidays” cards at Christmas. I don’t have the time or the energy to do my laundry once a week, much less gather a protest group over the wording of a holiday greeting from the White House. I’ve never gotten a card from any government establishment, unless you count Subpoenas so I’d be thrilled to get a letter from the government. So to all those protesting Christmas cards I say this with all sincerity: Get a Life. Really. Hate Bush for the right reasons, like being a dumbass and bombing people in the desert for no reason. Not for his fucking Christmas cards. You’re making all the other Bush-haters look like idiots. Well Done. The only time I’ll ever get upset over a Card is if I’m hanging off a cliff and scream “Rope!” and get a barrage of pamphlets that say “Happy Easter”.

Stupid Monkey

What happens when you get bored fighting the terribly unjust Christmas card from the Whitehouse? You go to Georgia and attack stickers about dead monkeys. Apparently someone wanted to add a sticker to a textbook that said that “Evolution is a theory, not a fact”.

Well, for the most part everything we know is a theory. The only reason that anything is accepted as a fact is that we haven’t found anything better to replace it with. If tomorrow we found out that tiny gnomes living at the center of the earth pulled invisible strings that keep everything from flying off the earth, then we’d have to ditch the theory of gravity and replace it with the “Unified Gnome Theory”. You think that gnomes are a stupid idea? How about a bearded guy who lives in the sky and made all the universe and everything in it in a week. You put those two right next to each other and its hard to tell which one you’re supposed to laugh at.

But to their credit you need to study everything with an open mind. Things are only true because the majority of people that care think they are. If everyone believed that a blow up doll was a type of cigarette, then for all practical purposes that’s true. But this group protesting evolution doesn’t have very good arguments against what the majority of rational people believe. John West, a person against the monkey-human theory has his best argument summed up in “If it’s unconstitutional to tell students to study evolution with an open mind, then what’s not unconstitutional?”

That’s a double negative, so he’s asking what is constitutional. In my never ending quest to help people out, especially you John, here’s a brief list of things that are, as you so succinctly said, “not unconstitutional”: Corn, Ice Cream, Telephones and the letter “R”. I would have put the letter “S” on my list but there is a group claiming that Jesus had two of the letter s in his name therefore the state can’t teach the alphabet.

The problem with this whole system is that adults are thinking like adults. For the entirety of  high school I didn’t even open my textbooks, so I certainly wouldn’t have seen any little sticker on the inside cover. The only thing that a sticker in a book would do for a high school student is that it would give the book extra padding and exceptional drool catching performance. In the interest of keeping the peace between people with half a brain and your average Georgia PTA member here’s my new sticker: “Question everything in this book.” There. Problem solved. Not that anyone but a bunch of pissed-off parents are ever going to read it.

WWAD – What Would Aliens Do?

Whether its a weird take on Santa, Christmas cards, or monkeys turning into humans, every single idea has its detractors. The only problem is that the detractors have way to much time to spend annoying other people about it. And when they realize that they’re wrong they get even more pissed off about it, so they aggravate even more people which creates a vicious cycle that ends up making everyone on earth pissed at everyone else. After the nuclear holocaust, when aliens dig up our remains to find out what kind of race we were the last thing that they’re going to care about is what Bush put on his Christmas cards, or what the Krupniks had for their Christmas display, or whether we thought that we looked like monkeys a little too much. So please stop protesting stupid shit.

Fat Declared Not a Four Letter Word

Fifth Graders everywhere respond with “Duh”

On Aug. 11, 2004 Fat was officially declared not a four letter word by a group of fat people trying to look like inflated Power Rangers. No really, they all stood in a circle, held their arms out and did a stance normally reserved for people with varying utensils in their butts, and changed the minds of (at last count) absolutely no one.

There were marches (no more than a couple of blocks, for obvious reasons), and speeches, which either due to poor sound quality of my 20 dollar TV, or the the Jr. Whopper with cheese stuffed into their mouths, sounded a bit like a weed eater mulching a sack of poop. Which if you haven’t heard a weed eater mulching a sack of poop, I’d advise against it. In any case I couldn’t tell what they were saying.

Paula Campos, a leading NAAFA (which stands for: something something something FAT something) supporter, and three time hotdog eating champ, declared “A very significant portion of the population is going to be quite a bit heavier than the government guidelines tell everybody what they’re supposed to be,” says Campos. “There’s nothing you can do about that. It makes as much sense to say that everybody should be thin as saying everybody should be tall… What??!! Free Doughnuts?!?!”. After which, Campos took off tackling a nearby policeman who was handing out free doughnuts to children.*

Okay Campos, (who, despite rumor is NOT part of the Marx brothers) eating at McDonald’s wont make me tall. Last I checked Awesom’z HeightGain™©?®  is not a staple addition to the McDonalds menu, however, fat is. And luckily, my parents gave me the option of not having my memory gland removed, so I could remember back to all the times that I went to McDonalds, and all the fat fucks that I saw day after day.

I decided to ask a professional, so I contacted my friend Marcus, who has been working at McDonalds for about three weeks. “See it’s really a code word when you say you want your meal “Large”. We, the United Coalition of McDonald’s Workers and Occasional Superheroes, know when you say “Large”, you really mean, “Hey, I need as much fat as I can fit into my mouth on my lunch break”, and so we add an extra layer of Lard (see the resemblance?) to your food. Its on your ticket, but you’ve never bothered to look at it have you? That’s the reason we got rid of Supersize; we couldn’t keep up with demand.”

The fact of the matter is that fat isn’t going to be considered sexy by the majority of people with any social graces whatsoever any time soon, or possibly ever. Fabio, Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp, or that guy from GC isn’t going to sleep with you… ever… you big fatty.

* The policeman was unhurt, however the doughnuts suffered serious casualties. I wanted to give a visual representation of the plight of the poor destroyed doughnuts, so I searched Google for “smash doughnut” and got this picture. Sorry, best I could do, Google can’t be relied on for quality pastry destruction photos.

World News Later

Stubbs the Zombie declared BAD ZOMBIE for eating people

People love attacking videogames. I’m sorry, let me correct that. Uninformed lawyers love attacking videogames. Its an easy target, everyone has them, and as surprising as this may sound developers don’t go to law school so they have a hard time defending themselves. It never fails, every time that a developer does something cool people get pissed off.

The Case:

Most recently, the game Stubbs the Zombie : Rebel Without a Pulse has come under fire by National Institute on Media and the Family*, not for the horrible pun in its title, but because it treats Zombies like they eat people. Please use the pause between this paragraph and the next to scream “DUH”.

The Evidence:

According to (the) NIMF, Stubbs and games like it are “…something we’ve never seen before.” Apparently Resident Evil was a Communist-controlled mass hallucination, along with other survival horror games and Fluoride. But to be fair practically everything has been done in games to some extent. Meaning that unless the game includes a neon blue rabbit/cyborg fighting an army of waffles in the middle of a highway in downtown Tokyo while ninjas in Carebear pajamas recite the Gettysburg address to a council of carpet salesmen selected by Santa Claus himself, then you can’t claim that its something that we’ve never seen before. Trust me. We’ve seen it all.

If you take the time to go to their website www.mediafamily.com and search for Stubbs you’ll get a nice little review just a bit longer than the warning label on a pack of cigarettes that reads (in part): “Players play as a zombie who comes back to life seeking revenge… Players cut skulls of humans to ingest their brains…”

Ignoring that the review resembles a bad lick of dialogue translated by a Japanese hobo, there’s a particular line that bothers me. “Players cut skulls of humans to ingest their brains…” When did that happen? I’ve beat the game twice in both single and Co-Op modes, and I’ve never cut anyone’s skull. Nibbled maybe, gobbled possibly, and ingested most definitely, but never cut. It must be from a bonus stage where Stubbs runs around with scissors trying to give out free haircuts.

On the Count of Skull-Cutting: Not Guilty

Also, the review has a guide at the bottom that sets different colors for different levels of offense: Red, Yellow, and Green. Red being extremely bad, Yellow meaning that there were “some instances of material in this category”, and Green meaning don’t buy this game, its so boring that even Media Family couldn’t find anything offensive in it. Two of the categories marked with yellow were Nudity and sex. Again, we have to put aside that there wasn’t any Nudity to rate in this game, so it would be easier to divide twelve by zero, and try to bend the laws of the universe to make sense out of a rating of yellow. I don’t see why Advocacy groups everywhere wouldn’t be jumping on Zombie sex as a good idea. I mean really, after seeing two decayed corpses getting it on would you desire sex with anyone ever again? Just thinking about it can make you celibate for a week or more. This also raises a few biological questions about fetid organs and blood pressure that I won’t get into here. Which can only lead us to one conclusion: That (a) NIMF has created a Hot Coffee mod for Stubbs and is refusing to share it. That’s not very Christian-like.

One of the biggest complaints as lodged by the title of MSNBC’s article on Stubbs the Zombie was that the game promoted cannibalism and that children would imitate it. No really. Stop laughing. I couldn’t make this stuff up, I’m not that smart. Lets tackle these one at a time.

You can’t declare that Stubbs promotes cannibalism and then turn around and call him a zombie. First of all, it’s in the job description that zombies eat brains. Not Mocha Lattes, not Spaghetti, not even Campbell’s soup in a can. Brains. Besides that, cannibalism is described as a creature that eats its own kind. Zombies are not humans. They only resemble humans, just like Predator, the Mona Lisa, and Michael Jackson. If anything that resembles a human were to be considered as a human, then biting the heads off of gingerbread men is a class A felony. Which means that there’s going to be a lot of grandmas doing some time.

To the second count, I’m not arguing that a 3-7 year old should be playing a brain-eating simulator, or even that they could play the game with any degree of deftness. I’m arguing that we really have more important things to worry about than 7 year-olds with eight teeth biting each other’s heads. I’m not getting worked up over something that happens every day at Kindergarten recess. Mr. President please forget Iran’s nuclear program, this pre-teen cranium biting and attempted head-rolling has to stop.**

On the Counts of Cannibalism and Child Warping: Not Guilty

Of course, the purpose is to protect children from “realistic” brain eating violence. How you would gauge whether a particular brand of zombie violence is more realistic than another is beyond me. Unless someone is secretly hiding Zombies in their basement, I don’t know how they’re even determining what a Zombie eating a human even looks like. I personally have never seen a zombie eat a human, met someone who has been eaten by a zombie, heard a rumor of someone getting eaten by a zombie, seen documentary footage of a zombie eating someone, or read about zombies eating people in the paper. How does anyone know what a realistic depiction of zombie eating behavior would look like? That’s right, nobody does. Suck it Mr. Thompson.

How about instead of bitching about violent games release a game that highlights no violence. Where the objective is to plant fruit, dig up fossils, and pick up litter. They already have a game like that; its called Animal Crossing and it’s fucking boring.

Final Verdict:

Stubbs is by far the best Futuristic-50s-Zombie-Horror-Comedy-Xbox game ever, and most certainly doesn’t make anyone think that they’re a zombie. If you disagree I’ll eat your brains.
*As an acronym is NIMF. That sounds like a group I’d like to get behind.

**If you really think that you can remove your head, roll it down the road and make it explode, please try. Then have your parents email an avi or mpeg version of the videotape to cj@cjdaweasel.com.