cjdaweasel.com

The Search for the Funny

Part I : Introduction

In my varying debacles with different forms of comedy, most incredibly irreverent, I’ve found that certain things are inherently funny. For example, cream pies, are used in many comedic sketches where they are thrown at, sat in, eaten sloppily, etc.

This leads me to a theory that somewhere, out there, is the funniest thing ever created. But since it cannot be one thing, being that one thing would have been discovered already, it had to be a collection or combination of things. Originally I tried varying combinations of things such as “Ice Cream Cow Lickers” and “Humpty Back Chickens” but to no avail. I figure that if I’m to get to the funniest thing ever, I’m going to have to have a system.

After much research involving a bag of Doritos and blender, I discovered that I would in fact need three ingredients:

1. A person that was relatively well known, and funny. But they couldn’t be funny of their own making, they just had to be laughable. Like Jerry Falwell.

2. I needed a stereotype. One that was true, easily recognizable, and possibly cute. It also had to be incredibly offensive.

3. Something that was cute, like Furby, or some kind of animal. It had to have the ability to be disgustingly cuddly, and yet have the ability to scare you.

4. I had to have some way of tying them together, so I decided that if I could make a movie based on the funniest thing ever, what would it be?

With these guidelines, I started off on my journey. In the next couple of days, possibly weeks, or months if need be, I will attempt to uncover the funniest thing ever and turn it into a movie. I will not stop until my quest is complete, or I get bored, either way, I’m sure I’ll ruin a blender or two in the process.

These are basically the same ones that are under the deMotivational link above, but I put some kick-ass music to it. And quite frankly it’s easy to drag, drop and add a few public domain(ish) songs. You’re Welcome.

This is a special message from Fred Phelps which may be a parody. Learn the whereabouts of Carlin as well as what classifies a fool.

According to the Washington Post, one in four americans do not read a single book in a year. Those that did read, mostly religious and pop fiction books were the choice.

So, I decided to make a New Year’s Resolution: Read one hardcore Non-Fiction book a week for one year. But to do so I’ll need some help.

First, I’ll need book suggestions, I don’t want to waste my time reading a bunch of stupid books (Deepak Chopra need not apply).
Secondly, I’ll need answers to some of the harder concepts I’ll more than likely find in these books, seeing as how books do not talk back.
And Third, I may need you to prod me on to keep going. 52 non-fiction books is a lot of dry material.

And, as per usual, I’ll still be going to class, working full-time, and writing on my website.

Why must I have an opinion on everything? It seems a bad idea to formulate an opinion on something which you know little if anything about.

A Bioshock Uppercut. Pay Attention!

Phillip and the Aliens

Part II : How to Help SETI Wrestle Planets

If you’re going to write a 10 page essay to beings from another galaxy, you don’t open with “I love you.” You’re going to ask them about how their technology can turn Yanni CDs into delicious pudding, or start comparing conquered planets and interstellar meatloaf recipes. This man should not be in charge of interplanetary communication. This man shouldn’t even be in charge of a damn bowl of chili.

Actual Wonderful Honest-to-God Phillip Quote:
“Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani!”    -Phillip trying desperately to convince the Aliens that he’s not crazy.

Phillip then decides that talking about god isn’t enough. You need to sing about him. Ending on a song only works in Musicals and Vaudeville, and certainly doesn’t work here. The song is about, yes you guessed it, love and God. If I ever get arrested for killing someone I’m going plead insanity on the grounds I was scarred by my own mental image of an elderly man singing to aliens about love.

In a dramatic switch in his paper from Insane Religio-babble to Psychotic Tech-gibberish, Phillip points out that SETI is breeding super human scientists called “Planet Hunters” to find, kill, and string up planets for various magazines about planet hunting. Each magazine will come with a foldout of a bikini model and once a year one will be named Ms. Asteroid.

My inside sources* (who will remain anonymous, let’s just call him the garbage man) also say that each of these scientist is over 300,000 feet tall, look like Elmer Fudd, and grapple the planets with their bare hands.

Phillip closes saying that ” I may well have already progressed farther than I realize down the path to senility. One would have to be at least a little mad to spend even a moment on converting extraterrestrials.” Amen Phillip, Amen.

So if aliens invade claiming that Jesus is the Xenonatic name for “Suck it, Funny Forehead”, then you know who to blame. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a fallout shelter to build.

*Some say that my source is a crack addict garbage man. Which may or may not be true. Either way he makes a helluva lot more sense than Phillip.

Just a little story about how I got to Atheism/Agnosticism. Really for myself more than anyone else.It’s kinda long, but I couldn’t compress the story any more without losing some of the points I was trying to make.