cjdaweasel.com

A friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend, and of course, came whining to me about it. I tried to give him the two ole speeches: “You’ll find another” and FUCK that BITCH (what can I say I’m a romantic at heart).

Failing this I realized that there wasn’t any reason to believe that:

A) There was another girl out there for him or

B) That he would find another better for him.

So I did a little bit of research on a few common “errors” that most people in relationships make and tried to settle the score:

First of all, the most common phrase in relationships, or rather movies about relationships is “You’re one in a million”. This I find to be a grossly insulting insinuation.  There are currently 6.5 billion people on earth, which means that even if you are 1 in a million, there are give or take 6,500 people just like you. That’s a little over 500 soccer teams. While that last sentence proved nothing, it gave me an excuse to use my expensive graphing calculator.

Let’s pretend that you can’t follow a logical pattern and/or you can’t do math, so you don’t believe me. Since she broke up with you, there’s a 1 in 1 million chance (better than your chance of winning the lottery) that she’s going to end up stuck with someone just like you anyway. Serves her right.

Another wonderfully worthless saying is that “You’ll never find another girl like her”. First of all, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT TO? Do you want to be dumped AGAIN? But let’s assume that you’re a dumba** and you want to get back with someone just like her.

Let’s say again that there are 6.5 billion people in the world. According to our census data, 56-60% of the world is female. Yes, most of the world is female, straight men and lesbians rejoice.

Now, since I’m lazy and need to come up with an excuse to use a nice round number, let’s assume the best possible scenario – 60% of the world is straight women. That means that there is about 3 billion women (3.9 rounded down) in the world. According to the Human Genome Project there are about 20-25,000 protein-coding genes arranged in combinations of G,A,T,and C. This works up to something almost like 8 trillion different combinations. Basically: It ain’t happenin. Get over it.
But the good news is that there are about 3 billion women in the world. But, let’s assume (yes, yet again) that you’ve met “The One”. Not Neo.

Just to make my point I’m going to over-compensate the numbers. I’m going to assume that the ladies love you, and you get around. So I’m going to say that you’ve met everyone in the USA. That’s a tad over 300 million people, 60% of which are female, which works out to 180 million women that you’ve met. You dog you. Now of that group, let’s say that you’ve dated 50% of them. Personally I’ve never known anyone who’s dated 50% of the women that they’ve met, but let’s just assume that you’re the stud that I think you are.

That means that you’ve dated 90 million women (at 5 dollars a pop that’s about 450 million in flowers alone). Why the interest in this number? Well, if you’ve dated 90 million women, AND there are 3 billion women in the world that means that you’ve met 6% of the women the world has to offer and only dated 3%. No search in any field of study would be considered complete if you’ve neglected 97% of the applicable sources. Which means that  because you’ve seen the shoes of more people than you’ve dated, you have a better chance of knowing who has the coolest shoes in world than if the person you are with really is “The One”.

What does all this prove other than I can use TI-83+? It proves that chasing the Hollywood dreams of the perfect romance is not only statistically improbable, and scientifically impossible, its fucking stupid. Get over her and get the new Virtua Fighter game. At least you can win at that.

Seriously James, get the f*** over her.

-Your friend, CJ

Sources:

(1) ibiblio.org/lunarbin/worldpop
(2) webmath.com/cgi-bin/lottery.html
(3) ornl.gove/sci/techresources/Human_Genome/faq/genenumber.shtml
(4) howmanyofme.com

TMI: 2 days of WoW
..or “Why I Hate Twilight Fans and Your Sword”

Everyone needs to stop giving me information I don’t ask for. For example, why do people insist on telling me how long it takes them to read a particular book? Twilight and Harry Potter fans are the WORST about this. Constantly updating me on how many days/hours/minutes/seconds it took them to read a particular volume of one of these insipidly boring series. If there’s one thing I hate more than sparkly vampires, it’s people who insist on telling me that they took two days to read about sparkly vampires.

First of all, these books are written on a seventh grade level. If it took you LONGER than two days then you either need to free up five minutes a day, or you should put the book down before you hurt someone. They’re big books and you might drop it or accidentally mistake it for an anal suppository. And just because it’s big doesn’t mean anything. Make the print large enough and slap an inch margin around it and I could turn the Nutrition Facts on a box of Oreos into a 400 page novel.

So as you can see, we don’t care, and for good reason. Read Jared Diamond’s ‘Guns, Germs and Steel’ in two days and and then I’ll think about acting impressed, but probably not.

Also, WOW players, you have got to stop telling us about your character’s stats and gear. We really don’t care. Have you guys actually looked at your armor? If I gave my little brother a few crayons and charged him with the task of outfitting a clown army, what you have on would come damn close to the first draft.

And your weapons are pretty silly looking too. They’re huge and impractical to the point of comedy. They’re covered with so many sparkly things they could be confused for a metal Christmas tree at a gay pride parade.

You DO realize that those items you’re so proud of, that you waste hours/days/weeks of your life collecting, don’t exist, right? Your 50-socket +3 bajillion Armour Uber-Rare Chest-plate of Total Loserness that you’re so damn proud of is just a couple of numbers in a database somewhere. We’re not impressed because it isn’t cool. Well, not as cool as reading Harry Potter in two days.

-cjdw

Added Bonus! Swearing Included for Free!

20. After reading the Gamespot Terms of Service, several Board FAQs, and Union Rules, I can now pass the Bar Exam in seven states.

19. Am I the only one that knows what a paragraph is? Does anyone else have the enter key?

18. Most Union banners suck. It looks like you have a rudimentary knowledge of MS Paint.

17. Stop constantly talking about yourself in your blog. Other people have their own boring-ass lives and as Youtube clearly shows: no one cares.

16. Bring something new to the table in your discussions. Simply restating an opinion adds exactly ZERO to the conversation and makes you look like a dummy.

15. If you do decide to bestow your wonderful opinion on everyone please improve it by doing one of the following:
a) Follow it with some meaningful insight into life, like how grapefruit can improve your love life and cure amnesia.
b) Back it up with some information (and this is key) THAT YOU DIDN’T JUST COMPLETELY MAKE UP.
c) Delete it.

14. A single paragraph with no punctuation where every other word is misspelled is not a game review. That’s a collection of letters with a score.

13. There doesn’t need to be a Union for everything. There’s only so much one can say about Yogurt.

12. The fact that there probably is a Union dedicated to Yogurt.

11. Doods uze teh spelcheker. Itz ther so I, the reeder, have a fooking clue what ur sayin. Seeriusly, it lookz like ur playin Scarbble wit haff the peeces mising.

10. If I wanted to join your union, I’d contact you.

9. Stop reporting everyone who says “ass” “bitch” or “shit”. The internet primarily for 3 things: games, pirated media, and pron. If these words offend you then fly to Florida, go to Disney World, get on the Small World ride and stay there for the rest of your life.

8. Stop lying. We don’t believe you. We’re just humoring you.

7. Don’t upload videos that suck. If your video is up more than 3 months and no one has anything good to say about it, then take it down. You’re wasting space on our internet.

6. Stop saying “Graphics Don’t Matter”. While I love that you have enough self-righteousness in your life to spread it around to videogames, I hate to be the one to break this to you: They do. If they didn’t, we would all still be playing NES.

5. Emulators don’t count. Period.

4. LOL is only for use when you actually “Laugh out Loud”. No really, I’m not making this up.

3. Don’t quote a quote of a quote of a quote of a quote of a quote of a quote of a quote of a quote of a quote of a quote.
Th
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2. The PS3, Xbox 360, and Wii all suck. The PS3, Xbox 360, and Wii all rule. The PS3, Xbox 360, and Wii all have the worst games. The PS3, Xbox 360, and Wii all the best games. All game genres rule, and all of them blow. Every reviewer sucks, and couldn’t review their way out of a paper sack. All reviewers rule and I couldn’t agree with them more. No delevoper could ever make a bad game or a good game. No company will ever be able to enter the game industry. There, I’ve covered 90% of the arguments on this site. Moving on…

1. Quit making long-ass posts that have no business being long-ass posts. All of us are getting two sentences in and deciding that a forum post that basically says “I like this game” is not worth 15 minutes of our time. We’re skipping down to the next guy who makes a funny joke about a monkey in 3 words.

Monkeys eat poo.

At the risk of being the last person on the internet writing about it, I’d like to give my thoughts on Spam. God knows they’re listening and me bitching about it will surely bring the whole Spam ring to a grinding halt.

In case you don’t know what spam is: leave. I have no idea how you reached this site, and you’ve obviously lost your way. Also, I’d like to point out that A) This is not the forum to explain it, B) This is not the TV and C) No we don’t want to see pictures of your cat. We have enough cat pictures thank you.

The internet can be broken down into nine fundamental elements.
1- Wikipedia
2- Youtube
3- Google
4- Porn
5- Cat Pictures
6- Gross Porn
7- Really Gross Porn
8- Email
9- Bittorent

Just like Resident Evil, if you mix certain things together, you get something entirely new, some good, some bad. On the good side if you mix Youtube and Bittorent, you get iTunes or if you mix email and google, you get Gmail.

On the bad side however, things can get pretty dark. For example, when you mix Wikipedia and porn, you get cjdaweasel.com. Even two good things put together like Email and Porn get you Spam.

As you can see, just like atom bombs, which I’m pretty sure is the combination of atoms and Jager Bombs (two very good things), Spam is really just the combination of two good things gone wrong. And too much good has a tendency to lap itself and breed evil (see: Star Wars).

To say Spam is evil is to oversell it. Spam doesn’t bother me when it makes sense, such as “Get a BIGGER penis since we could all (small rodents included) use bigger penises. In fact, our pensises could probably use bigger penises.

But when spam comes along and both clogs my inbox and confuses me, is when I start getting angry. Take the one I got the other day with the subject “Interpose up to tonsils!”. Beyond the fact that I had to look up three of those words, what the hell is that supposed to mean? That isn’t an advertisement, that’s what you get when Thesauruses marry thier cousins.

See, I run a website where I make fun of people less fortunate than me (fat people, stupid people, religious people), so those reading my site must automatically assume that “Hey! He makes fun of others because he has a small penis I’ll send him some free literature to help him with that issue.”

While I certainly appreciate the thought brother, though it seems to be misplaced, and despite the title I don’t see how I can interpose anything with Viagra knockoffs. That would be forgivable if Spam were confined to my email.

But Spam is not only in email, this is a common mistake. Ads on webpages are spam, in boxes (see? in boxes? instead of inboxes? I’m so clever). Really, they’re practically the same thing. Advertisements for stuff you don’t want in places that could be used for other things. Other things like ads for porn.

Ads for porn don’t count as Spam since they allow me to look at naked girls at work without getting into trouble. I just have to loudly exclaim every sixty minutes or so “HOW WILL I EVER GET ALL THIS WORK DONE WITH ALL THESE ADS ON MY SCREEN?”

I do that not so I have a cover, but so everyone will avoid my cube. Who wants to be seen with the crazy guy who shouts the same thing at consistent hourly intervals? Except for that guy named Billy. Billy would hang around even if I was stripping naked and dancing the Macarena every time the second hand passed the number three.

Come to think of it, that’d be awesome. Maybe get a goofy hat and a banjo. On second thought, you’re alright Billy.

I’ve totally lost track of what I was talking about, so I guess the whole point of this post is: stop putting ugly-ass cat pictures on the internet. It’s pissing me off.

* See the whole title is “You Have Male Phallus Problems” or “You have Male PP”. It’s only funny if you think about it too hard.

The Future of Weapons and Leg Injury

There are a lot of weapons out there. We’ve got revolvers, machine guns, nuclear missles and other weapons for war and sport. This is directly related to the fact that humans have spent century after century learning fantastically interesting ways to kill each other under various circumstances.

Do we want to kill just one guy? If so, a pistol will do. What if there’s more than one guy with him? Then we’ll use a machine gun. What if the whole town tries to fight back? Then we’ll use a missle. What if he runs away? Then we’ll nuke the whole damn country. We’re a versitile race in some respects.

So what happens when we get so many weapons that we start running out of names for them? Tommy Guns, Patriot Missles, and Cop-Killer Bullets are examples of everyday names that have been commandeered by weapons as descriptions for how they work. Well, the cop killer bullets anyway. So far no one named Tommy that I know owns one of these guns, and the Patriot missle has a bad habit of not making very many patriots.

But this is all beside the point. What names will we have to use in the future of weaponry, and how will they work? To resolve this I’ve taken several technical terms (some not), and dropped them into a weapon. Then, based on what said word means, explained how the weapon works, and how we can go about shooting ourselves in the foot in order to get out of military service.

Super Happy Joy Fun Weapon List

Ethernet Gun: You cannot shoot yourself in the foot while anyone else in your neighborhood is simultaneously shooting themselves in the foot.

Token-Ring Gun: You get the shotgun once a day, whether you need it or not. You can only shoot yourself in the foot with this rifle, with one bullet. If you miss, too bad.

ISDN Gun: No one is exactly sure how the rifle works, but shooting yourself in the foot requires $300 worth of equipment, and a $150 /mnth.

Frame-relay Gun: If you have a dedicated rifle, you actually can’t shoot yourself in the foot because you haven’t specified which logical barrel to use.

DSL Gun: Anyone, who has the correct number of fingers can shoot themselves in the foot. But first you must make sure that you have silencers on all the other guns in your house, whether you use them or not.

Cable Gun: You have the most sofisticated gun available, and are garunteed a certain number of bullets every day, but you have to share the gun with the rest of your block.

Mac Gun: You can shoot yourself in the foot in five easy to remember ways, but if the gun locks, then no one will be able to help you.

Windows Gun: The gun takes 10 minutes to load, and then locks constantly.

Linux Gun:
$sudo passwd root
$sudo passwd -l root
#mkdir usrshootfoot

Remote Desktop Gun: You log into your companies gun and shoot yourself from three states away.

Recycling Gun: Exactly like the Trash can Gun, but you feel better about using it.

Tech Support Gun: One of our trained rifles will be with you in a moment.

Schwarzenegger Gun: Terminates your foot. It’ll be back.

Fundamentalist Gun: Shoots your foot and then sends it straight to hell.

MPAA Gun: Shoot as many feet as you want with the gun, just as long as you aren’t naked while doing it.

ESRB Gun: Very much like the MPAA gun, but makes less sense.

RIAA Gun: Did you pay for those bullets?

HMO Gun: It looks like a great gun until you try to use it.

Marlboro Gun: There are no conclusive studies showing that feet have died as a result of gunfire.

Star Wars Gun: The first three bullets fired (which are actually the 4th, 5th and 6th bullets respectively) work great, but any after that jam.

Star Trek Gun: If you invert the tachyon field matrix and the flux diameter you can make a phase-varience web around the stock of the gun, allowing you to fire at your foot more accurately.

Dusty: Shoots himself.
Take that History Channel

What’s a Zerg?

…and other Stupid Questions

Games are complicated. More complicated than even the ones that play them are willing to admit. Of course I’m not talking about how to code for linear processors, what a linear processor is, or how it differs from a food processor. I’m talking about the mythology, the characters, places and stories that create the world.

There is a LOT to know about games. Can everyone really be expected to know all the intricacies of Headcrabs, all your base, and that blue things are usually hurt by fire? And which of all knowledge is “Underground” or “Elitest” knowledge? And the most important question, especially to those of you who arrived here via Google, what does this have to do with 401(k) plans?

The answer to the third question is that it’s called “Verg” Financial Group not “Zerg”. That would just be silly.

To those of you who are still with me, we need to clear up some definitions. General gaming knowledge is anything that a person would pick up not having direct contact with said game. Such as a forum, gaming magazine, or by picking up the box, looking at it and gently rubbing it on their belly skin. But at that point the guy at EB games usually makes me buy it.

Elitest knowledge is knowledge that you would have by playing the game, or doing serious research on a game. Elitest knowledge expands to, but does not necessarily have to include anything that is considered knowledge for completing the game, and the intricacies of said game. Elitest knowledge is a broader range of information ranging from things you’d just pick up just playing a game all the way up to what can be only described as “who-gives-a-f***” *

To put it more plainly, knowing that Master Chief is the main character in Halo would be general knowledge. Being able to distinguish between Grunts and Jackals would be Elitest knowledge, as well as how to get your head stuck in the ceiling in the Halo 3 beta and Sarah Kerrigan’s bra size**.

Why bring this up I don’t hear you ask? We need to have a system by which we can berate people for not knowing information, but we have to make sure that we don’t expect them to know too much. Everyone should know who Samus is, but no one cares about her favorite color.

Below I’ve created some mock (pun not intended, but needed) scenarios, rating the question against how many posts should be used to mock the person before actually explaining what it is.

What’s a Jaguar?
Mockibility: 3 posts
Reasoning: Everyone should know two things, if ONLY two things about games:
1) Atari made the Jaguar.
2) It sucked.
Suggested Lines of Attack: Mock the price tag of this alleged powerful system, and the series of unhelpful add-ons that followed. Also you must have at least one jacka## respond: “A cat.”

Who’s James T Kirk?
Mockibility: 15 posts
Reasoning: Not only do they have to have no knowledge of gaming, they have to not been watching TV in the past 30 years.
Suggested Lines of Attack: Toupee jokes are always good.

What’s a Limit Break?
Mockibility: 236 posts
Reasoning: I think it’s safe to say that you’ll never find someone who hates FF7 as much as I do, and I know what a freakin’ limit break is.
Suggested Lines of Attack: Challenge the fact that they’ve ever even been to earth.

What’s a BFG?
Mockibility: Err: Overflow
Reasoning: Anyone who doesn’t know what Doom is… well they should be beaten to death with a keyboard.
Suggested Lines of Attack: Compare their mother to various household appliances.

There’s a tier of mockibility related to how well known a certain fact is. This can be charted with a cross section of levels of information showing how we can better gauge the mockibility of a given question or statement.

Combining this chart with the situations from earlier we can correctly estimate how much derision we must heap on a unwitting poster for not knowing a particular fact.

Using this ballpark guess we can see if we’ve made adequate fun of a person, or if we need to continue to quote and repost to prove that they’re stupid for not knowing what should be known before they even hit the “new message” button.

Or we could just explain it to them. Whatever.

* This category of information is the upper range of Elitest knowledge that was developed by the most awesome person I know (me). I created it to clasify [sic] information that is so obscure, the only people who are interested in knowing it already know it. Sometimes confused for actual knowledge. ** C

I Found Jesus

He was Behind the Couch

I pick up a lot of bad games. In fact, I’m not ashamed to say it, I actively seek them out. I can’t tell if I just love making fun of other people’s failures, or I just hate myself so much that I have the need to remind myself what hell is going to be like when I get there. In one of my latest ventures into crap gaming I picked up The Bible Game from my local Best Buy for the now apparently over-priced sum of $5.

In case you don’t know, The Bible Game is another attempt to make God “fun”. Fun is in quotes since you can’t hear my sarcastic tone when I say it. I am happy to report that The Bible Game is just as successful at it as all the previous incarnations of Bible-based games.

It’s made by Crave Entertainment, the geniuses behind the games Bad Boys: Miami Takedown and the GBA game-version of the movie “Elf”. Crave is truly a game company that strives for excellence. But only if by excellence you mean “Things that are as fun as eating fart-flavored yogurt”.

Because I’m your friend, I’ve narrowed down the morals of the game in this article so you can get the supposedly good spiritual benefits of the game without having to actually play it.

So, in the interests of hating myself more thoroughly, I picked up this gem and took it home to play it. From the menu I selected to play a tournament, and was presented with 6 of the sorriest looking video game characters I’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing. There’s a cowboy, a girl in pink, Steve Jobbs, a kid with a sideways hat (which I guess means he’s the “cool” one), the token black girl, and a Boy Scout. Since I’m not a girl (ruling out all the females), don’t own Apple (ruling out Steve), don’t own any yellow hats (can’t be the cool guy), and am not a fan of playing dress up (ruling out the cowboy), I chose to be the Boy Scout. If worse comes to worse I can always pull out my Boy Scout knife and shank the others. Dead men don’t collect prize money.

Moral: Always be prepared.

I named my Boy Scout A**, because that’s what he looked like, and proceeded into the game where I met the creepily happy Joslin. Joslin Loran (I think) is the announcer, and there really is no way to describe how incredibly sarcastic he sounds-as though his snickers and chuckles were digitally removed-in this game. Seriously, if you had said that this game was making fun of the Bible and used some clips from this Joslin guy, I’d have completely believed you. Joslin gives the impression that he just can’t believe someone is playing this game.

In any case, Joslin started the game off and we got to playing. The first game was called Tower of Babel, in which you try to make polygons in a wall to make it collapse. If I’m correct, in the Bible the Tower of Babel had people on it who were hired by some other people to erect a building to heaven. That pissed God off so he made them all speak different languages and the tower fell, and you get to take part! Who knew the deaths of thousands could be so fun?

I won that game but it didn’t matter, since I lost all my points at the end of the round by way of a random “Wrath of God” involving a plague that occurs about every round and reduces one player’s points for that round to zero. God every once in a while pops up, and without rhyme or reason, kicks the ever-loving crap out of us mere mortals.

Moral: God hates people who go last in game shows.

In round two I fared better, rocking out the quiz games like I was there with questions like “Who gave Moses his name?” (The answer is the pharaoh’s daughter, come on, I’m an atheist and I knew that), and in the Noah’s Ark game. In Noah’s Ark, the point of the game is to match pairs of like creatures together such as two monkeys, two bears, and so on. Luckily the game excluded the some 4000 species of beetles that exist on the earth that Noah had to deal with in the real flood.

But it was all for naught, since I was wiped out AGAIN at the end of this round by the “Wrath of God”. This time God pummeled me with mini Jell-O shots that dropped my points back down to zero. In theory, at least, you can get some of those points back by having an opponent land on a “Do Unto Others” square which randomly chooses an amount of points to receive from the other player. They don’t have a choice if or even how much they give to you. That’s not charity, its force. If someone puts a gun to your head and demands your wallet, you haven’t just donated to the poor. You’ve been robbed.

Moral: If you do something that looks like a good deed, even if it’s by force, that still counts.

When I received some money from the other player my Boy Scout did a little dance where he waved his hands around like he was on valium and swatting flies. But once again, you guessed it, I got Wrath of God and lost all my points. God, who I guess is sponsored by FOX, since he’s just a cloud with a bunch of searchlights, came down and threw a bunch of crickets at me. This brought me to the final game with no points and only one last chance to redeem myself.

The last game is the Tree of Life where you get to pull fruit off a tree (even fruit that doesn’t grow on trees like grapes and bananas) for points. However, if you pull the snake down, you lose all your points. Well, I’m not going to keep you in suspense: I pulled the snake down first. A one in eight chance and I lose right off the bat. I finished the game with a grand total of no points. I think God was punishing me for naming my character A**. God hates Donkeys.

I ended up playing the game a couple more times, just so I could try out all the ludicrously stupid mini-games. For the remaining games I used the girl in pink and named her “SL**” since “PARIS HILTON” wouldn’t fit in the box.

Moral: The game was five dollars for a reason.