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The End of the World

Part III : Homosexual Rocks from Outer Space

Usually, when someone thinks about the end of the world, about where aliens come from, or is wildly confused about the direction of down, they point up at the stars. Its been a commonly held belief that the end of the world will come from “up there”. A big rock will fall out of the sky and make us all extinct like Dinosaurs and Disco.

Meteors and Asteroids are huge balls of ice and rock that fly through space annoying other planets in our universe. They don’t signal, make lots of rude gestures, and rarely have insurance. Once in a while, they get drunk and fly to a nearby planet and either crash into it, or fry in the atmosphere. Every year over two tons of meteor dust burn up in the Earth’s atmosphere. This also is exactly the same amount of TV on DVD that consumers burn each year when they realize it’s the same crap with all the commercials at the beginning.

To avoid destroying humanity, and so rich people don’t get all that dust on their Escalades, a group of scientists called SPACE GUARD watch the skies hoping to stop any of these wayward rocks from crashing into the Earth. SPACE GUARD did not of course start out by watching the skies for falling rocks, they were originally a Saturday Morning cartoon that came on after Superfriends. It featured a shack next to the Hall of Justice with Meteordude, Asteroid Gal, and Captain Thylacine who would search for Asteroids and occasionally borrow, and then fail to return, tools from Batman’s Garage. The show was eventually cancelled due to lack of plot, and was replaced with the Banana Splits show, which was deemed “more mature”. The members of SPACE GUARD then went to college, got real jobs, and promptly quit them to watch for rocks again.

SPACE GUARD hasn’t been all failures though. There was one Asteroid that they deemed as likely to hit Earth, but by the time they realized it was there, it was determined that it was actually 300,000 miles from hitting earth, besides, it had passed us already. It was declared a close call.

I hear you though. Off by 300,000 miles? How do you do that? Well, from what I understand, which is precious little, that because of the way that light is pulled, it takes several months for SPACE GUARD to figure out where an asteroid is going. Which means that by the time they figure out that the rock isn’t a spot from Dr. Smith getting “friendly” with the telescope, its already wiped out Madagascar.

There’s also another theory that states that viruses and bacteria came from space on rocks as well. There’s one website that states that SARS came from outer space piggybacking an asteroid. This fits perfectly with my theory that AIDS actually came from a gay meteor that landed that started humping monkeys. You may not agree with me, or find it funny, but it makes just as much sense as the SARS theory.

Hollywood has other ideas though. Instead of blowing the rock out of the way, they want to send people that are in love to the asteroid, and have them drill holes and place explosives in it to break it up. The idea of training drillers to be astronauts just might be a waste of time. It just seems to me that it would be easier to train astronauts with Double PhDs to drill, than teaching single brain celled drillers how to fly a spaceship. By that logic, we should be training cows to be astronauts so they can go to Mars. Well, there’s methane on Mars.

Of course the movie Deep Impact was even more unbelievable, a black president? Yeah right.

Surviving Gay Meteors from Space:

Here are just a few good ideas to keep us from getting flattened by a big chunk of rock.

1. Support Bush’s Space-based Defense system. If asteroids are coming to destroy earth, then maybe we can flip it around and shoot at the rocks with missiles. It would be like a billion dollar version of missile command.
2. Put Rockets on the moon. Then, fly the moon around like a cue ball and knock the asteroid out of the way. Sure it could destroy the tidal structure on earth, but we could put a few commercials out describing it as “major waveage”.
3. Redirect it to hit the middle east. They like rocks.
4. Have everyone stand one on top of the other. Since nothing has weight in space, simply have the top person push the rock out of the way.
5. Build a gun that turns rock into pie. Then, create a huge tinfoil lining to catch the asteroid and then hit it with the ray. It will cook in the atmosphere and rain delicious pie from the sky for hours.

The End of the World

Part II : Ending the World with Jesus

As usual, Christianity intends to end the world as well. At Countdown.org they’ve thankfully mapped out the demise of earth and told us exactly how Jesus would want it done. I just hope that they’re wrong and that Jesus would make a better website than this. The end of the world should at the very least include some Flash Animation.

But really, if you’re bringing about the end of civilization as we know it, PR via your website is the least of your concerns. Such things that should concern you are the signs of the apocalypse, like weather forecasting. If you don’t believe that weather forecasting is a sign of the apocalypse, just remember that Matthew said it was. If you are still not convinced just check out that book about a guy who can turn a piece of wood into a snake. A book like that wouldn’t lie.
So, in the interest of simplicity, and for reasons that could be summed up by my inability to craft coherent sentences, I’ve created a system to gauge the signs of the apocalypse to make them easier to understand for non idiots:

Name: This is the name of the sign of the apocalypse be it the Famine, War, or The Fat Boys.

Desc.: If you don’t know what Desc. is an abbreviation for, please go back to playing Neopets.

Believability: This is how believable it is that this is in fact a sign of the Apocalypse. I used a scale of how much money Jerry Falwell could con from an elderly woman using biblical quotes related to this.

Fear Rating: This rating is how scared someone would be of this particular disaster. Rating ranges from [Fluffy Bunny] (with a rating of 1) to [Michael Jackson] (with a rating of 749,274).
War
Desc: When a large group of people get their feelings hurt and decide that the only thing that will make them feel better is to kill people. Countdown.org informs us that “in both World War 1 & 2, total war was waged”. Which goes a long way to explain the highly cryptic name of “World War”

Believability: $113 An elderly woman doesn’t have much more time to live, so dying in a war isn’t going to knock too much off their life.

Fear Rating: 8,736 [Roseanne Barr], War is pretty bad, it can destroy entire houses, starve its inhabitants, and make it impossible to move around. Which is the same effect as having Roseanne Barr over for dinner.
Famine
Desc: This is when a society doesn’t have enough food to feed its people, kind of like when fat Uncle Jim comes to the family reunions.
Believability: $2 We have fast food restraunts throwing away tons of food every day, and considering that most of the things that we eat now don’t even involve growing anything, convincing grandma that we’re going to starve to death is going to be hard to do.
Fear Rating: 4 [Angry Fluffy Bunny], Most of America is full of incredibly fat people. If tomorrow no food was available, it’d take a couple of months before a majority of the population would actually begin to starve.

Plagues
Desc: This is that yellow stuff that gets on your teeth when you don’t brush them, or maybe its when you get sick. Either way it involves bacteria.
Believability: $2,342 You can usually use disease to con money out of people. Whether its cancer, AIDS, or an invisible man who lives in the sky, Christians are deathly afraid of things that they can’t see, which goes a long way to explain its place in a Jesus-induced Armageddon.
Fear Rating: 7384, [Wanda Sykes]. Just like Wanda’s TV show, it will make you sick, you’ll groan a lot, and if you’re around it for long enough, you’ll die.
Traffic
Desc: According to Countdown.org bad traffic will destroy the world. They use a prophet named Nahum (I think they stole this name from a medicated foot powder), who says that the end of the earth will come by way of Automobiles. This is utterly ridiculous. There’s no way only one guy came up with something this retarded all by himself.
Believability: $50,000 If you’ve ever seen the documentary Trucks then you’ll know that its not only a possibility that cars will take over the world, but a reality.
Fear Rating: 37 [Fat Uncle Ted], Big, bulky, full of gas, and would easily be confused with “Trucker Bob”.

The Antichrist:
According to Countdown.org, the antichrist will require that everyone worship him, he will attempt to bring peace to the Middle east, and be homosexual. This means that yes, the purple Teletubbie is the antichrist.

The purple Teletubbie will rise in power, and begin his campaign across Europe. Once he has conquered the whole of Europe, he will turn against the United States and raise George Washington from the dead. Then, the aliens that have been abducting Hill Billies, will come down and attempt to destroy George. When they hit him with their Etoplazm Rays, he will grow to the size of Alaska, and then eat Rhode Island followed by most of the Eastern seaboard. Then Jesus will come down and blah de blah blah blah. The End.

This exciting story will soon be available as a hardback comic (I’ll use a Lucky Charms box) available to whomever comes to my apartment door and asks for one. Limit: One Customer

Surviving Christian Armageddon:
To survive Earth’s demise at the hands of a Purple purse carrying alien, one needs a few simple things to survive.

1. Do not stow any weapons. This is just a waste of space. The Antichrist will have bombers, fighter jets, nukes, and millions of troops. If he wants in, he’s getting in.
2. Do not receive Jesus’s free gift of everlasting life. Last time I got a free gift, a week later I got a bill for 200 dollars and a bunch of sports equipment.
3. Buy as much as you can on your credit card. Once the world comes to an end, no one’s going to come looking for the 200 dollars you borrowed to buy sports equipment.
4. Pay your taxes. Armageddon or no, they’ll still get you.
5. Do not Feed the Celebrities. Most Anorexic celebrities with no survival instincts will die off fairly quickly, but the ones that do survive should not be fed. It’s natural selection, as acting will not be a requirement in a post-apocalyptic world.

The End of the World

Part I : We All Died in 2000

In 1999, as Americans, we completely fucking lost it. It is sad that we had to close the century being afraid of two digits of the date. Most of us (I say “us” as in not me, I got mad drunk) were too scared to leave our houses and do ANYTHING on new years 1999. Most Americans hid in their cellars and listened to other people have fun on the radio. If you hid in or near a basement on new years eve in ’99, you get a free tattoo, courtesy of me, in either “Scared of my own shadow” or “Completely Uninformed” flavors. Your choice.

But in the grand American tradition of not taking blame for anything, we can look to those that declared that the world was going to end in 2000. Let’s blame them. Using Google (Henceforth shall be referred to as God), I tracked down some of the things that people were writing around that time. Most have been removed, for obvious reasons, but the few of them that remain paint a clear picture of what exactly we were (or weren’t in most cases) thinking at the time.
Soon to be my favorite writer of insane gibberish, Captain Thylacine, wrote a fascinating article about the end of the world, the establishment of the new world order, famine, war, and other words that get listeners to send money to charities. Written in 1996, the eminent, and respectable Captain Thylacine tells us that the world will end by 2001. So, as you can see, we’re all already dead and we just don’t know it. It’s kind of like 6th sense, but with out annoying little kids and some weird symbolism with the color red.

Also Capt. T lets us know that in 1999 there will be a nuclear assault on the US. Who will launch this attack, or why they will, he does elaborate on. He does complete a fairly decent essay (I give it a C+) that is sprinkled with a fair share of big words to remind us that yes, he does own a Thesaurus. He does point a finger at Mount Weather (a nuclear fallout shelter) and why the Russians would bomb it stating “No base, no matter how deep inside a mountain, could survive a full assault of their ICBMs.” Which begs the question of why they would bother bombing a mountain in the middle of a forest with a “full assault”. Unfortunately that requires a Doctorate in Idioticy, and is beyond my scope of stupidity.

Somewhere in Russia:
General: “How are their Military Installations?”
Officer: “In tact sir!”
General: “How are their Armies?”
Officer: “In tact sir!”
General: “How are their Airports?”
Officer: “In tact sir!”
General: “What about that mountain we talked about?”
Officer: “Blew that to dust sir!”
General: “Good! I hate rocks.”

Too bad that didn’t happen. I don’t know exactly what a nuclear assault is like, but I did microwave a few Glow in the Dark Stickers once, and if its anything like that (and Microwaves are form of radiation according to my Junior Illustrated Encyclopedia of Science), then Armageddon will be fairly disappointing, incredibly messy, and probably cost someone their allowance for a month.*

Survival Plan or Your Death and How to Deal With It:

Seeing as we are all dead, Survival is pretty moot. So here are some tips on being dead:

1. Don’t breathe – You’ll be wasting oxygen that living things might be able to use.
2. Don’t have sex – You’re Dead! That’s just sick.
3. Don’t Dance – This will put excess stress on your limbs, and you might lose one.
4. Also, being a dead soulless shell of a human, you will have the qualifications to write television scripts for NBC.
5. Avoid Open Flames - The farther you get past death, the more moisture leaves your body, and the more flammable you become. There are better ways to spend the rest of eternity than as a pile of soot.

*I did a search for Mount Weather and got a page about New Zealand. I dropped out of school in the 4th grade so my geography is rather lacking, but Mount Weather is near Washington, and W is really close to Z in the alphabet, so they’ve got to be close.

The End of the World

Introduction

As everyone knows now, the world is coming to an end soon. If we take a look at the world, it is sure that the end is upon us, the signs showing everywhere in the form of  famine, poverty, reality TV, and the re-emergence of bell-bottoms in fashion. All of these  clearly point out that Evil is in control, and that we are all going to die a horribly fiery death, with the rise of the Antichrist, and some guys on horses. But the question remains, how will this terrible end come about?

This question has plagued me for minutes, so in order to solve the problem I pooled my vast resources, consisting of Google, my Master’s Degree in Idioticy, and the instruction manual for my blender. Using these invaluable tools I crafted a series of past and future possibilities for Armageddon, examined sources related to the topic, and created a survival plan in the event that we were struck by this calamity. Then, due to an unfortunate accident involving a two liter of Lotsa Root beer and a midget stripper in a bumblebee costume, the entire essay was lost. So I swung into action and created another essay using last minute phone research, which usually degraded to me asking them if they had Prince Albert in a Can.

Nevertheless I persisted, and in the next series of articles that examine all of these facets, and I will cover many different areas including past End of the World prophecies, a scientific view of the issue, as well as how Jesus wants it done.

I would like to take a moment first to thank Mr. Winston, who was so senile, I had to explain to him who Prince Albert was, and what he would be doing in a can in the first place.

I’ve posted this elsewhere and normally I prefer to drop my own stuff on this page, but everyone has to see this song remix. Check it out:

Breaking Down the System War

We Like Buttons

The console war is here, and fan boys everywhere are getting their panties in a wad. All you hear is “Wii is a dum namb it 2 sux!” “PS3 is knot 4 teh poorR iTsuxorz” and “XbOOx iz mades bi M$ that means it sux!” And while I don’t mind idiots expressing their opinion, I would like it if I could kill whoever decided it would be a good idea to get them a computer. Nothing personal.

You see, ever since the advent of the TV, one thing about humans has become painfully clear: We like buttons. The monkey in us has to have buttons strapped to waists on phones and pagers. We have to have them in our backpacks on PDAs, and Laptops. We have them in our cars in GPSs, cruise Control and radios. The monkey in all of us is a button whore.

If you’re still not convinced of this, lets map the acquisition of buttons in an typical adult’s life:

First, we buy a house or apartment, which has breakers, light switches, faucets and other buttons that we flip, push, and even sometimes snap constantly.

But this isn’t enough buttons. We need more buttons. So we buy things to put in our domicile that have buttons themselves: Microwaves, dildos, refrigerators, electric butt-plugs, hairdryers, vibrating sex dolls, computers, or my favorite: the TV.

Now the TV, of course, doesn’t seem have enough buttons itself, so we buy more things to add to it to get EVEN MORE buttons. We buy VCRs, DVD players, Universal remotes, and the subject of today’s little talk: the gaming system.*

And then for this system, what do you have to have? A controller, a light gun, a glove, and a headset. All with TONS of buttons!

We are literally paying thousands of dollars to have these buttons. So the question arises: How do we tell which buttons to purchase CJ? Help us!

And because that’s all I’m here to do, help you, I spent almost minutes compiling data and building my ATBR (Awesomeness-To-Button-Ratio) Theorem to help you decide which console to purchase so you can get the buttons you want and need. Also I’ve added in some one-liner launch game reviews and an overview of each system. You’re welcome.

Theorem Breakdown:
The scale for the ATBR Theorem is 1-100% depending on the theoretical maximum amount of awesome that a button could potentially contain. The scale ranges between:

100% - After pressing the button it spawns a naked supermodel who cleans my house, makes me dinner, and then proceeds to give me a blowjob.

0% - When I press the button it burns down my house, reports me to the RIAA, and implants a small chip in my head that feeds a constant stream of Nora Roberts directly into my brain.

To arrive at an overall percentage, we take all the awesomeness ratings for each button, average all of the buttons together and divide by a number that I pick at random. Then that number is run through a dehydrator, sealed in a plastic bag, and shipped to NASA for further testing. Then the number is returned in an official envelope marked “RETURN TO SENDER – Please stop sending these to us CJ” where the number is compared to various fruits. Or alternately, if I have to get this posted before my connection flakes out again, I just make up a number.

The Systems:

Nintendo Wii

Overview:
The Wii, sporting an awfully goofy name, looks to be built off of Ipod technology and the “We hate lots of buttons” mentality. I haven’t actually seen a Wii (snicker) but from all the screenshots I’ve seen it looks to be about 500 ft. tall and made of porcelain. But, despite this seemingly expensive construction it’s retailing for the low price of $250 USD or about $3,867 Canadian.

Launch Games:
The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

Nintendo remembers that we never asked for a gay little cartoon Link.
Metroid Prime 3: Corruption

Stars a videogame girl that doesn’t take her clothes off; bor-ring.
Wii Sports

Not to be confused with “Water Sports” (search for that in Limewire and you’ll get that joke).
Madden NFL 2007

In case you can’t get off your butt to play the real thing.
Dragon Quest Swords: The Masked Queen and the Tower of Mirrors

As an acronym is extremely fucking long.
Super Monkey Ball: Banana Blitz

-10 points for bad pun referring to an even worse TV show.
Elebits

Nintendo forgets that we never asked for a Pikimin clone.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Creature from the Krusty Krab

Yet more proof that there isn’t a god.
Disney/Pixar’s Cars

Another movie to game adaptation that I’m sure will rock like all the others before it.

ATBR: 3% – The Wii will have to spread its thin veil of awesomeness over about 12 buttons, which doesn’t bode well for the system. If it didn’t launch with a Spongebob game, it would have scored around a 23%.

Playstation 3
Overview:
Capitalizing mostly on name, and the confusion that there are enough losers with enough free money to buy it, the PS3 will sport the super-powerful CELL processor. It’s not all rosy news about a low-low $600 (that’s 5 billion Canadian) price tag since according to my 5th grade science book, only living things have cells. This knowledge coupled with my intimate familiarity with the Terminator series leads me to the conclusion that the PS3 will become self-aware and destroy humanity as we know it. By my calculations this won’t be a big loss, though it may make tech support hold times unusually long.

Launch Games:
Resistance: Fall of Man

Some guy gets sick and goes around shooting things.
NBA 07

Now you can see the guy in the third row hurl his hotdogs and beer at 1080p.
Genji: Days of the Blade

Run around and hit things with a sword. (Not to be confused with the Final Fantasy Series)
Blazing Angels Squadrons of WWII

A completely original game that’s also available on the Xbox, Xbox 360, PC, and the Wii (snicker).
Call of Duty 3

Good thing they’re releasing another World War II first-person shooter. There just aren’t enough of them.
Fight Night Round 3

Just what you want to see: Two sweaty guys in boxers beating each other’s meat.
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion

About as fun as golf, but with a sword. Come to think of it, golf with a sword would be pretty damn fun.
Need For Speed Carbon

Carbon’s atomic symbol is C, which is what I give this game.
Sonic the Hedgehog

The camera will drive you bat-shit insane.
Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six Vegas

At least they stopped numbering these. What is Rainbow Six 2? Rainbow 12?

ATBR: 4% – While the PS3 has anywhere in the vicinity of 12-14 buttons, it has some real issues with its look. Ignoring that it looks to be impossible to stack something on top of it, it has chrome trim on the premium version. Chrome trim on your PS3 is like chrome trim on your car from Wal-Mart. You might as well cover it in Christmas lights because it looks stupid.

Xbox360
Overview:
Microsoft decided to skip 358 other iterations of Xbox and jumped straight to this one. It features an HD-DVD player add-on, a controller that you can get some great distance with, and a lot of the color green. It comes in two versions:

The Premium version, the more expensive one, which comes with a remote, a Hard Drive, a Wireless Controller, Xbox Live Silver, a Headset, Component HD AV Cable and the cure for Cancer.

The Core system, the cheaper of the two, comes with an “I.O.U. 1 Worthwhile Game System” and some dust. Oh, and a 360-themed cardboard box.

Launch Games:
Amped 3

Any game with commercials this dumb can’t be worth anyone’s time.
Kameo: Elements of Power

A game about turning into fluffy cute things.
The Outfit

Probably some sort of Barbie game.
Project Gotham Racing 3

Between Project Gotham and the Xbox, it’s becoming apparent that Microsoft doesn’t understand the phrase “Working Title”
Quake 4

A completely original game about aliens who come to earth to do mean things to us.
Ridge Racer 6

The sixth in a series of racing games that probably has ridges in it somewhere.
Tony Hawk’s American Wasteland

Another Tony Hawk game that ties up some of the loose ends from the previous games.

ATBR 2%: The 360 has 13 buttons but doesn’t pack enough punch for them. In fact, the only thing that keeps the 360 from earning even less is that it has Xbox Live which allows you to get online and talk to people just as uninteresting as yourself. That aside lets hope that I don’t need 2 Service Packs and 70-something updates before my console will read my sound card.

Conclusion:
Buy a Dreamcast.

*I have it on very good authority that the first video gaming system was just a mass of buttons and levers. I believe it was called “The Saxophone”.

World News Later

The Terrorists Have Won

In case you didn’t know by now, the terrorists have kicked our collective Coalition asses. And while I’m always right and for the most part not accountable to anyone, I’m sure that there are those of you out there that can’t believe me at my word. You need “facts” and “information” to make a decision rather than just agreeing with the butthole that shouts the loudest and then switching over to reruns of Deal or No Deal.

For those of you who fit in the latter category I’m going to make you a deal. You read this post and I’ll show you a fool-proof way of stopping those crazy fun-loving terrorists from crashing our huge planes into buildings. Deal? Deal.

So if you’re not sure I’m correct (You Commie), I’ve gathered some research to prove my already-true point: The terrorists have flippin’ won.

First Study Sample: Beatrice
Beatrice is a lady that I work with that is unbelievably huge. She embodies the two extremes of hugeness.
The pity: “Oh, that poor thing, she she can barely sit in her chair.” (Usually said while convulsing with laughter)
The envy: “I wish I could get that fat and not give a shit.”

The Case:
Prior to 9/11 Bea ate at least 4-6 Little Debbie snack cakes a day. One when she came in, two at lunch, and one after. Sometimes she’d sneak one more in just before then end of work. My crack research squad misses nothing.

Now she eats only about 1 a day and a granola bar. Some say this is because she’s trying to lose weight and get better than 12 miles a gallon out of her Fiesta*, but I know the real reason she’s trying to lose weight. She’s preparing for they day that she will be forced to outrun a crashing commercial airliner.

I know this because every week on the news some terrorist somewhere is crashing, getting piloting lessons for, attempting to blow up, hijacking, or boarding a plane. Who cares about your gas mileage when Northwest Air could drop on your head at any moment?

Second Study Sample: Myself
Remember, if you don’t buy things and support the economy, the terrorists win. If you’re not spending your little Capitalist heart out, then you lose and bearded guys with AK-47s (At least that’s how they are in Rambo movies) totally freakin win. I hate to admit it guys, but I lost the war for us.

The Case:
I am a terrible back to school shopper. I had a couple of classes that I needed to buy some supplies for. Being the unpatriotic self-centered jerk that I am, I cannibalized what I could from my last semester’s classes and ended up only needing to buy two things. A folder and a ballpoint pen two-pack which added up to something like 2.39.

2.39?!?! The Economy majors out there will notice that this is even less when you consider the taxes that get taken out. Only something like 30 cents of the total actually goes to the government. You can’t build a bomb on that! You can’t even buy an entire cartridge of bullets for that. Heck that’s not even enough to buy a folder and a ballpoint pen two-pack. What are we going to do? Teach them to death?

How to Beat the Terrorists

We seem doomed. Beatrice is so scared of falling airliners that she’s started eating more healthily and I’ve sentenced us all to certain death by not buying a day planner. Since Terrorists love to board planes and slam them into buildings that most Americans are only half aware even existed, then we need to head this off at the source.

First of all, we need to understand the terrorist mind. This breaks down into three basic thoughts:
1) Kill everyone who disagrees with me.
2) Women should not wear short-shorts or tanktops.
3) The Alf TV series sucked and therefore the culture that created it must die.

Now, while I’m pretty sure that to some degree all of us agree with the third statement, the first and second are ridiculous.

If you kill everyone that disagrees with you then who are you going to pick on in high school? And of course, who are you going to flame at 3 in the morning on a message board on Gamespot for thinking that Mario is better than Sonic? I’ll tell you, NO ONE.

Number two actually confuses me more than number one. Is there any straight male out there that does NOT want to see half-clothed women? I’m not asking if your morals or religion allow it, I’m asking if you want to see it. Deep down every male will answer yes, more please. We all want to see it. In fact we’d all be happy if you women wore nothing. And ergo, we have my solution to the terrorist problem.

Some airfare companies are already taking measures to protect us, the scared-shitless American. They’ve been banning obviously dangerous things like knives, nose-hair trimmers, and deodorant.

But just recently though they’ve expanded the list to include things that I didn’t even know people brought on board airplanes (Why in the world would you bring a camcorder on a plane? Like your home videos weren’t boring enough). This list consists of a number of items that even if you gave all of them to a team of MacGyver, Terminator, and Ninja Steve they’d still have difficulty killing anything more vicious than a retarded wombat.

My problem with this list doesn’t lie in its extreme number of potentially un-harmful carry-ons as much as it lies in the system not going far enough. Airlines should ban EVERYTHING including earrings, toasters, and… wait for it… clothing.

Follow me on this. If terrorists don’t like seeing women in regular clothing (see above research), then they really won’t like seeing them naked, right? So they won’t board the plane in the first place. Now, assuming that a terrorist overcomes his desire to avert his eyes from temptations, and boards the plane, then where the hell is he going to stick a bomb? All security would have to look for is the middle-eastern guy walking a bit funny. Blamo! Captured terrorist. Am I a genius or what?

Before you go and say “Ha. ha. Very funny CJ.” and pass it off as an semi-amusing thought remember that one terrorist tried to blow up a plane with his shoes. Which if memory serves, is indeed an article of clothing. You know I’m right. No Clothes = No Bombs bigger than your anus.

I’m going to make you nay-sayers a deal, at the first sign of a terrorist putting a bomb up his butt and walking onto a plane naked, we’ll revise my plan. Deal? Deal.

*For those of you who don’t know what kind of car a Fiesta is: good. You should keep it that way. They suck.

Master Chief is pretty cool. Along with Armitage, Killer Clowns from Outer Space, and Lacey Chabert’s underwear. In fact, I wouldn’t mind being any of those. Well, except Armitage. Robot babies from the future really isn’t my thing*.

But especially Master Chief, since that would automatically bring me the “badass” title. Being able to fly around the galaxy shooting things has a grandeur about it that is only matched by flying around the universe shooting things.

However, as awesome as it might be, it’s probably a good thing that it isn’t real. For one thing, I’m not willing to have my DNA altered just so I can wear some clunky, puke-green battle armor. Also, I’m not a big fan of getting shot at. Bullets whizzing over my head only mean one of two things:

A) I’m in a war.

B) Uncle Jim is drunk again.

Neither of which is very appealing. But this still doesn’t make me stop thinking “Damn that is cool”. I sympathize with anyone who feels the same about any number of fictional videogame characters, but this doesn’t stop me from realizing how incredibly infantile the whole process is. It also doesn’t stop me from making fun of it.

So in the interests of not keeping the peace, I give you 10 reasons why I’m glad videogames aren’t real. Enjoy or else.

10. Big Boobs

I’m not going to argue with you about the fact that big boobs turn any hot woman into an even hotter woman, or any ugly woman into an ugly woman with big boobs. I do take issue with the absurd assumption we would want this in the real world. Boobs are great and all, but when they’re so big that tiny dwarves can hide behind them, it’s a sign it’s time to get some surgery. Besides, there could be tiny dwarves stalking you right now and you wouldn’t even know it. And that’s scary.

9. Guns, Bullets, Bad

I don’t know if you know this, so I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Bullet wounds hurt. A lot. If indeed FPSs were real and we could take twenty pistol shots to the chest, we’d all still be writhing in pain for much longer than would be acceptable to kill the next room full of DeathGuards.

8. NPCs

When most of us picture ourselves in a videogame we immediately assume that we’re going to be the hero, running around saving people, shooting aliens and being a general “Ninja with a Gun”. What most fail to note is that most games are FILLED with characters whose only job is to spout one line of dialogue or sell wooden shields. So unless your idea of a dream job is one where you stand on a corner and say “WELCOME TO GOFGAVILLE ADVENTURER!” for the rest of your natural life, I think it’s better that we at least get to do other things once in a while, like selling wooden shields.

7. Ancients

If there’s one thing that game characters must get sick of, it’s having to constantly fight some “ancient” something. In battle after battle, game after game, it’s an ancient evil that’s been around for centuries, and for some reason just now decided to become p****d off. We should count our lucky stars that Abraham Lincoln doesn’t come back from the dead every hundred years just to pick a fight with some teenager and lose.

6. Clothing

If there’s one thing I think everyone who’s done any cosplay (read: loser) can appreciate is that it’s a good thing that clothing in videogames aren’t catching on. They’re always needlessly complicated with straps that don’t do anything, hoodies with no sleeves, or some other nonsense that make Snoop Dogg look like a French fashion designer. Don’t even get me started on whatever the heck Rinoa is wearing in Final Fantasy 8. Her dress is the illegitimate child of a pair of gym shorts and a sweater.

5. Super Evil Job Market

Excluding Republicans, we really don’t have to worry about any great big bad guy coming along and screwing it all up for us. There isn’t much of a market in the real world for a Mad Scientist, and giant robots are hard to hide from UN inspections. The closest we’ve ever gotten was Hitler all he did was bomb a bunch of people and kill himself in a bunker. Not quite The Covenant Armada.

4. Sequels

You don’t have to worry about Konami coming along two decades after your death, resurrecting you, and making a crappy spinoff called Your : Act Zero, and then selling overpriced copies of your pitifully remade self. Once you’re dead, you’re dead. Game Over.

3. Amnesia

I can’t count the number of characters in video games who wake up one day and don’t remember who they are. It’s a big plus that here in reality the majority of us can remember the little things like our names and that this isn’t our bed we’re peeing in. And we can accomplish this even after consuming copious amounts of alcohol the previous night. In the videogame world, amnesia has reached epidemic proportions, and nobody seems interested in curing it. This isn’t surprising since the all the scientists in games are either evil or have been eaten by zombies.

2. Boss Battles

Almost every videogame has some big bad dude that you have to kill in order to progress any further. While I’m not arguing that boss battles, say on your way to work every day, wouldn’t liven up your life, I’m just a bit skeptical that the following lawsuits would be worth the trouble. I can see it now:

Judge: You, CJ, are charged with assaulting your Shift Leader at Denny’s with a deadly weapon, first degree murder, and theft. Is this correct?

CJ: Yes, your honor.

Judge: You plead, and I quote, “He had the Archangel’s Boxer Shorts of Protection, which I needed to fight the Lich King. After I defeated him I was awarded with three dollars and twenty-five cents.”

1. Save Points

While initially this sounds like a good idea, since you can replay that night that you banged one of your sister’s friends over and over again, do realize that everyone will have it too. All humans will have the ability to do everything as many times as they want with no penalties attached. We’d all be living in a world that was about 2 days long, where nothing bad happened, and everyone simultaneously picks the winning lottery numbers. You could never really die and Shatner will be able to make as many albums as he wants, for eternity. Sounds like hell to me.

-cjdaweasel

*If you get that joke add +1 to your YOU RULE attribute.