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Crazy For Cows

Part II : Poo Launching Cows

In case cow stories aren’t your thing, there are several other cow related things to do on the site. You can also play games! Most are quizzes related to parts of cow’s bodies that you’re probably better off not thinking about. I took a quiz and got 2 out of 10. One question I got right just because I guessed well. The other was the question about shit, which I consider myself an expert on.

My favorite game has to be the “Pie Game”, where the object of the game is to shoot falling steaks by launching poop from the anus of a cow. In case you didn’t catch that, I’m going to repeat it: The object of the game is to shoot steaks out of the sky by shitting on them with a cow. As of this point, the site lost what little dignity it had left. The good news is that if you have problems playing the fantastically fun Cow Pie game, fear not. There’s a place where you can email “if you have a problem playing CowPie”, which last year was given the “Least Used Link On the Internet” Award.

Fun Cow Fact:
Per day, a cow spends 6 hours eating and 8 hours chewing cud.

As if cow stories and cow games that involve poo, weren’t enough there’s more! For that cow lover in your life, there’s “something for everyone”. I don’t personally know any cow lovers, but I do know a few idiots, so I figured that gifts recommended from this site were a good bet. I bought my retarded cousin a cow with palm trees growing out of its back. I was sure that this Chernobyl-esque deformed cow would be considered cute by anyone with a single digit IQ, so I bought it. Chucky (my cousin), slobbered on it, laughed, and then promptly smashed it. It was too stupid even for him.

The problem with cows is that they’ll never be cool. Take movies for example. The coolest thing that cows get to do in movies is be mutilated by aliens. This stems from their only real products being: Leather, Food, and Farts. It’s hard to admire that. Horses, on the other hand, which are closely related to cows (and by closely related I mean they look the same), but don’t suffer from an image problem. John Wayne’s popularity would have been drastically different if he would have come riding into town on a cow. In fact, aside from mutilation, I can’t think of one thing that cows do that is cool. They chew cud, fart, die and we eat them. That’s it. No website needed.

Crazy For Cows

Part I : Why Cows Probably Hate Us

There are sites everywhere on the internet that are dedicated to different things. Star Trek, Video Games, Cars, etc. Cows, however, should not fall into this list. In fact, www.crazyforcows.com delivers everything you never wanted to know about cows, and more.

Usually, when a website opens up with “Moo!”, your expectations of a site should drop to zero. If they don’t, tell the dwarf men from Happyfun Mountain I said “Hi.”. Those of you not running off to deliver my message, please read on.

I discovered crazyforcows.com on one of my many searches for naked midgets in clown costumes. Why? Do you ask? I don’t know. Midgets and clowns have nothing to do with cows, so I don’t know how the site related to my search. Search engine technology is designed by light beings from NASA and is decades beyond our pathetic human minds to comprehend. The beings must truly have wanted me to see this site, bending the laws of the universe to show me to it.

Instantly, upon viewing the site, you can see why it is so incredibly important. There are many, many things to learn about cows, and most of them are really gross.

Fun Cow Fact:
A 1,000 pound cow produces an average of 10 tons of manure a year.

Also on the site is listed several stories that readers have submitted about cows. I don’t want to know what kind of sad lonely life that you have to lead in order to think that a cow related incident is good enough to write about, submit to a site, and then have it read and pondered over by other “cow fanatics”, but I’ll tell you this, we have a phrase for people like that: Serial Killer.

20 Things That Piss Me Off

Videogames

There are lots of things that I’m generally pissed off about. Like how we elected a man as our president who, even with millions of dollars, couldn’t find oil in Texas, or that I’m still not convinced that its Chicken in the Chicken Chow Main. But in the reality of a world where people get mad at celebrities that don’t want to have babies, I have to go off and play some games to release some stress. So it really pisses me off when I can’t sit down and play a game that doesn’t do something stupid that twenty thousand games before it haven’t done as well. So here, for my viewing pleasure are 20 things that just piss me off about games:

1. The fact that any super secret soldier can have 15 lights on him, and still be “invisible” at night. Agreed, it looks cool, but unless the enemy isn’t expecting to be attacked by a Christmas tree, I think that we can leave all of the Halogens at home.

2. The first person to come up with a game that has a mascot that jumps around on mushrooms, shoots fireballs from their mouth to rescue a princess from an evil turtle is considered “a genius” not “a possible crack addict”.

3. Why is it that every soldier can carry 15 different types of guns, ammo for all of them, a PDA, a backpack, two tickets to Monday Night Football, a few keycards for doors, and still jump around like Jackie Chan? No wonder you’re the hero, you can carry the entire US arsenal on your back. Hey here’s a tip: Put all that crap down and just punch the daemons of hell to death.

4. In the advent of next generation games that can faithfully reproduce the snot flying off the nose of a German soldier with complete historical accuracy, why am I still playing Role-playing games where the good guys stand on one side, the bad guys stand on the other, and they take turns beating on each other? Imagine if wars were fought this way. Most of the soldiers would die of old age before they ever got to their turn.

5. From my own survey, the average mental age of an MMO player seems to be about 12 years old. I swear, if another matureless brat follows me around for half an hour telling me how great my Night Elf’s “obobs” are, I’m going to test my real life PVP skills on them.

6. How long is it going to take before developers realize that movie to game adaptations, well, suck. What I would suggest is that they take all the movie to game adaptations, incase them in a hard plastic, and sell them as $45 commemorative coasters. People who liked the move (which was good) will by the coasters, and they won’t feel compelled to play the game (which sucked).

7. When did the Sonic the Hedgehog game Series turn into a game Armada? In the past year there’s been, I think at least 50 Sonic games released and/or re-released. Give the poor guy a break. He runs really fast, he jumps on stuff, gets missiles, spikes and all sorts of “owie”-inducing things thrown at him. Let him have a vacation where he just sits in a lawn chair, drinks margaritas, and watches Tails work his ass of taking down Dr. Robotnik.

8. Stop turning stuff into mascots for games. It is official, every noun in the known universe has been a character in a game. Mushrooms? Check. Rat? Check. Weasel? Check. A pile of poop with corn for teeth? Check. Mark my words, one day you’ll be playing a game as a Vienna Sausage.

9. Rainbow Six 3. Shouldn’t that be Rainbow 18?

10. Why do zombies come out of rooms that I’ve already been in, that are in a car on the end of a train that’s moving. Where the hell are they coming from? Scotty beaming them in?

11. Criminals must be the source of Extra-dimensional travel. That’s the only reason I can see being able to fit 12 behind a cash register.

12. People need to stop making “Retro gaming” out to be some sort of noble cause. First of all, its not feeding Africa. Second, the only reason you’re playing Centipede instead of Halo is that the Xbox won’t make long distance calls.

13. What is it with Health Packs? They’re in every game now, even car games. The only reason you need to put an Ace Bandage on your car is if your a redneck and need something to hold your bumper on for your big date tonight.

14. Does anyone besides me not get Pro Wrestling games? Let me get this straight: You’re a person pretending to be a character that represents a person that is pretending to be a character that pretends to fight. I hope that I’m missing something.

15. NASCAR games. Really, how many times do you have to go around the track before you realize “Hey, I could be stabbing my eyes out with hot pokers right now.” Sure it’d hurt, but at least you’d have a better story for work the next morning than “I sat on my ass at home alone and drove a pretend car around a pretend track for 2 hours.”

16. What the hell is a “Realistic Damage Model”? And how would you make a car game with Unrealistic Damage Models? One car hits another car and they turn into 15,000 ping-pong balls?

17. People that insist on telling me about a gaming experience. If I wanted to know how you got the Ice Sword of Gibraltar from the Holy Fire Caverns when you were only level 12 and you forgot to restock your arrows, then I’d ask you to shoot me, because I’d never ever want to know that.

18. The main character can be beaten up, thrown around, blown up, shot, and stabbed, and somehow live, yet his girlfriend can be stabbed once, and she dies instantly.

19. When after twenty minutes of playing a new game, I realize I’ve just been swindled out of fifty dollars by an impressive Ad campaign.

20. Every soldier in every game can pitch like Nolan Ryan. Hurtling a grenade at 30 miles per hour over 300 yards? No problem! The man shouldn’t be fighting in a war, he should be pitching for the Mets.

The End of the World

Conclusion

There’s a lot of things to be afraid of on this planet, like rapists and Mormons, but you can’t let it control you. You can’t let the world party while you sit in your fallout shelter with $300 in bottled water and a Y2k Ready Port-A-Potty. But you can prepare for the eventual end of the world with a few necessities, in the event that aliens invade because the love messages that NASA’s sending them got too graphic. So, here to help as always, I give you my MUST HAVE list for the Armageddon.

1. Water – In order to drink and bathe as well as other things. Don’t drink too much, being that the human body is already 80% water, you’re pretty close to drowning as it is.

2. Food – You’ll probably want to pack things that are ready to eat, in the off chance that your microwave breaks or that Papa John’s Pizza shuts down for the Apocalypse.

3. Old Spice – If you don’t want/need to bathe, or you want a cheep air freshener, you’ll need some old Spice to freshen up.

4. Monopoly – You’ll have lots of time to kill and this game takes for fucking ever.

5. Framed Picture of George Bush/Bill Gates/Tom Green – To remind you of why you’re not going to miss civilization that much.

6. Hustler Magazine – Trust me, it will become important.

7. Clothes – Because being naked is fun until you have to sit on a concrete floor.

8. Gun – In case anyone tries to steal your Hustler Magazine.

9. Condoms – The only thing worse than being one of the last humans alive in a post-apocalyptic nightmare is being one of the last humans alive in a post-apocalyptic nightmare with an STD.

10. Pets – Initially they’ll offer protection and companionship, but as time wears on, they’ll be the only food source that will come to you when you call.

Beyond that, the rest is up to you. But now I hear the question: “Now that I’ve prepared for the End of the World, which end am I preparing for?” To which I would answer “Shut up voices in my head.” Just in case though, I’ve set up the different ends of the world and a rating scale of probability of them coming true based on the very real possibility of all the worlds writing utensils coming to life and revolting against the humans that dragged their faces across paper. I also chose this rating system because it’s extremely abstract and therefore difficult to argue with.

Y2K

Believability: 1 Sharpie

I know this may shock some people, but there is a remote possibility that we may not be dead. Outside of Sureway’s register system going on the flop, exactly what were people expecting? Nuclear missiles to go flying off to other countries? I hope that I’m not the first one to point this out, but why would Nuclear missiles built in the late 70s need to know the date in the first place? And even if they did, certainly they wouldn’t be scheduled to launch in the year 1900.

Maybe the DoD was preparing for some sort of Back to the Future thing where Marty McFly sends a couple of missile silos back in time to 1899 with some Communists, and we have bomb China before Jan. 2 1900. And in a triumphant conclusion it is found out that the missiles were already set and they destroy the Red Chinese before they can launch their plans for world domination. Or maybe it was all bullshit to begin with.

Of course, it could have been a practical joke that the programmers put in. One time in my Scheduler I set myself up to attend Woodstock ’69, but when it rolled over to the year 2000, my Palm Pilot turned into a missile and blew up my apartment. I tried to explain this to the police, but I was still booked for Arson.

Jesus

Believability: 2 Pens and a Pink Crayola

The idea that a dead Jewish guy is going to come back to life with a bunch of trumpets and horses seems a bit weird. And since a most of the world’s religions don’t even believe he exists, and those that do believe in him have a nasty habit of killing people that disagree with them, I’d say that if he is coming back he’s not going to take anyone with him anyway.

Besides, Jesus is like the Manager of Earth, he decides what gets done, who does it, and then has other people make up the reasons as to why it was a good idea to do it in the first place. And as any person who’s had any job for more than 27 seconds knows, managers will soon as bend the laws of physics before they’ll admit that they could have possibly maybe partially in part been slightly incorrect at some point in the far and distant past about some trivial matter that in no way would have effected the outcome of one of their decisions. If Jesus the Manager does in fact exist, then he’d never admit that he goofed on the human race. And we all know he did.

Rocks

Believability: 4 Smelly Markers

It’s really hard to find fault with the theory that we’ll all be wiped out by Asteroids that burn through our atmosphere, slam into our planet, and begin humping our monkeys. It seems pretty iron-clad. Excluding the fact that there literally hundreds of miles of space, and that our planet is but a small fraction of that void, what do we have on our side? The only thing we really have protecting us from falling rocks from the sky (titanium umbrellas aside) is the magnificently crappy SPACE GUARD, who have a better chance of correctly naming all the new spring fashions for the upcoming year than giving us valuable rock forecasting information.

It seems to me, of all the things that can fall from the sky, big ole rocks would be top of the list. Yet we pay a weather man in California a 6 digit salary to tell us if water is going to come from the sky in big drops, or itty bitty drops, and he can’t do that without giving us some sort of  % of chance. I just want to know the weather, if I wanted to do math, I’d go back and finish 5th grade.

The End

It will come, at some point or another. Several Scientists say that we have only a few measly million years left until our sun runs out of fuel and explodes, turning every cow on earth into a well done steak. Which scientists, I don’t know. It never give their names, which makes me think that they’re lying. But by that time humanity will either have reduced themselves to dust or learned how to move stars around and spell out naughty jokes in the sky. When the time comes, I hope that there’s someone like me, telling my “Pirate and the French Whore” joke to the world with supernovas.