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3° World News Later

We do lots of weird shit

Artists do lots of weird shit. Like cut off parts of their bodies that they’re probably better off leaving in tact, trying to talk to plants and living in the middle of fucking nowhere. Its become almost a requirement for anyone to be a true artist they have to have a lifestyle that could possibly be confused for a serial killer’s To-Do list. When was the last time that you heard of a great artist who watched Monday night football, had 2.5 children (2 full children and a paraplegic), and thought that animals were put on earth to be eaten. Never. So it comes as no surprise that some idiot who wanted to be considered a true artist would need to do something really really dumb to even be considered for the position.

Lost Keys, Need Hacksaw

Trevor Corneliusien (don’t even bother trying to pronounce his last name) decided that he was not only going to do the old “live in the middle of fucking nowhere” by going all the way out in the desert, but he was going to one up that and bind himself in chains so he could “get a realistic depiction of chains on someone’s legs”. And the kicker: Trev forgot his keys to unlock the chains placing him 12 hours of hopping from the nearest bolt cutters. Next Up: The guy who went killer whale hunting with an unloaded pellet gun.

First of all, why the middle of the desert? Surely chains look the same in an air-conditioned room next to a phone with the Locksmith on speed dial as they do 25 miles from civilization. I’ve never been a location scout for an artists rendering of differing forms of S&M gear, but I’d have to say I’d have picked a place closer to a hardware store. The only thing I can hope for is that Trev knows something that I don’t. Maybe it was the lighting.

Ignoring that it would be easier for Trevor to just buy some cat litter and play bondage with himself on the roof, why even bother? It seems he could hire someone to put on some chains for him. If not that then maybe he could use Google. I mean if I go and image search for “Legs in Bondage” right now I get… okay scratch that. You did the right thing Trev. Don’t do a Google search.

[Click Here for the Google Search]

Go ahead. Do it.

Though it seems to be worth it all in the end. According to the Sheriff who helped Trevor out of this mess, said that “it was a pretty good picture of a man with his legs bound”. It damn well better of been. If you had pranced like a rabbit twelve hours through the desert and all you had to show for it was a painting that resembled the Enterprise being attacked by Phlegm, then by law you’d have to shoot yourself.

Dumb vs. Dumber

We, as dumbass Americans, do this kind of weird shit constantly. Then we turn around and wonder why people want to blow us up. It’s really hard to defend people like Trevor, he probably makes more than me yet he’s not smart enough to remember that he needs his keys when he goes and plays tie-up in the desert. But then again, some of the terrorists are pretty dumb as well, so I think we’re an even match.

One of those oh-so-lovable terrorists, Iyman Faris was charged with attempting to bring down the Brooklyn bridge with a handheld blow torch. I don’t know if you know how the Bridge is constructed, but I’ve seen Spiderman at least three times so I’m practically an expert in the area of Brooklyn Bridgeology. Let me explain how the system of load distribution works:

A) It uses a shitload of cables.

Now, let’s again assume that he gets there with his torch and climbs to the point on the bridge where he can cut the cables. How long does he think that he can stay up there? Eventually a passerby will probably realize that a construction company wouldn’t want to be dismantling the bridge while cars are still on it. Also, they just might might figure out that Iyman may not be a properly licensed bridge dismantler. Then, they just maybe-might-probably-hopefully reach the conclusion that he isn’t qualified to be taking it apart on his own, and they’d call the cops. This whole plan, unfortunately, relies on people not being as dumb as I think.

Of course these are the same people who use fertilizer bombs. You know, that just might be a sign that you’re not on the majority’s side. If you were in the majority it would seem that you would have the money to afford decent explosives. When you’re resorting to making explosives out of shit, you might want to consider a bake sale.

I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if terrorists were the ones that figured out the fertilizer bomb. One guy, sitting in his cave bored out of his skull lights his fart on fire. “Hey!”, he thinks “If I can get enough of this in one place…” Who else would pioneer a bomb that blows you up, then covers your charred corpse with poop? Well, besides evil clowns.

Evolution Strikes Again

Speaking of evil clowns, there’s an update on the Georgia case involving the stickers in their textbooks that I reported on a while back. The stickers that were to offer drool protection and bore students into a deep sleep that is necessary for surviving most biology classes have been removed from textbooks. Sensing defeat, the Intelligent Design Militia Group has moved their fight to Pennsylvania.

In Dover, PN both sides are looking pretty dumb, but in the stupidity wars the Intelligent Design people are always coming in first. Their biggest problem is that they’re trying real hard to pretend that ID isn’t religious. Lets check these out:
Christianity – The God created the world.
Intelligent Design – A God created the world.

Yeah, that’s the same thing. Changing an article (Articles are like “a” “an” or “the” for those of you who had particularly comfy grammar books in High School) in the sentence doesn’t remove the religion. If I say “I’m going to beat you with the bat” or “I’m going to beat you with a bat” you’re going to get your ass kicked either way.

Even assuming that Intelligent Design were true then I don’t think that we would want to teach it to our children. No wonder we keep creating a population that chains themselves up in the middle of the desert, forgets to make a spare key and argues whether we look like gorillas or not. We’re designed from birth to think that an old guy who lives in the sky is watching everything that we do, and now we want to remind ourselves every time we open a book. As Americans, we do lots of weird shit.

3° World News Later

Idiots Sue Everything and Lose.

People have got to stop protesting stupid shit. In New York in preparation for the holidays, people are looking for ways to piss other people off. Chief among these are the Krupniks who have decided that in order to celebrate Christmas, you need to have lots of blood, a beheaded Doll, and a Santa wielding a knife. Screw the chestnuts.

The Truth About Santa and Bush

Of course, as with anything that’s even remotely close to cool, people are going to get their panties in a wad over it. Peter Nardoza, 81, Member of the “We Get Offended at Everything” Council commented “What kind of a world is this that we live in?”. Well Peter, the answer to that is ’round’, but technically we don’t live in it, but on it. Getting back to the point Peter, that this country is almost ruled by a document called the Constitution and  there just happens to be a part of the constitution about free speech followed by a sentence that reads “no man shall be refused the right to mutilate a Santa Claus to get their name in the paper”.

Don’t try to fool yourself, that’s exactly what they’re trying to do. Claims by the Krupniks that this was supposed to be “fun” and that they “didn’t put it up to offend anybody” are bullshit. You don’t mutilate a Santa Claus and depict him removing the heads of dolls and expect someone with no sense of humor not to get pissed. Doing completely benign things like having sex pisses these people off, mostly because they’re 81 like Peter and not getting laid anymore. But really Peter, you can’t blame the Krupniks, if you have a name like that and you don’t already own an investment firm or a savings and loan then you have to get into the paper somehow.

The people getting upset over this are probably the same group that got mad at George Bush when he sent out “Happy Holidays” cards at Christmas. I don’t have the time or the energy to do my laundry once a week, much less gather a protest group over the wording of a holiday greeting from the White House. I’ve never gotten a card from any government establishment, unless you count Subpoenas so I’d be thrilled to get a letter from the government. So to all those protesting Christmas cards I say this with all sincerity: Get a Life. Really. Hate Bush for the right reasons, like being a dumbass and bombing people in the desert for no reason. Not for his fucking Christmas cards. You’re making all the other Bush-haters look like idiots. Well Done. The only time I’ll ever get upset over a Card is if I’m hanging off a cliff and scream “Rope!” and get a barrage of pamphlets that say “Happy Easter”.

Stupid Monkey

What happens when you get bored fighting the terribly unjust Christmas card from the Whitehouse? You go to Georgia and attack stickers about dead monkeys. Apparently someone wanted to add a sticker to a textbook that said that “Evolution is a theory, not a fact”.

Well, for the most part everything we know is a theory. The only reason that anything is accepted as a fact is that we haven’t found anything better to replace it with. If tomorrow we found out that tiny gnomes living at the center of the earth pulled invisible strings that keep everything from flying off the earth, then we’d have to ditch the theory of gravity and replace it with the “Unified Gnome Theory”. You think that gnomes are a stupid idea? How about a bearded guy who lives in the sky and made all the universe and everything in it in a week. You put those two right next to each other and its hard to tell which one you’re supposed to laugh at.

But to their credit you need to study everything with an open mind. Things are only true because the majority of people that care think they are. If everyone believed that a blow up doll was a type of cigarette, then for all practical purposes that’s true. But this group protesting evolution doesn’t have very good arguments against what the majority of rational people believe. John West, a person against the monkey-human theory has his best argument summed up in “If it’s unconstitutional to tell students to study evolution with an open mind, then what’s not unconstitutional?”

That’s a double negative, so he’s asking what is constitutional. In my never ending quest to help people out, especially you John, here’s a brief list of things that are, as you so succinctly said, “not unconstitutional”: Corn, Ice Cream, Telephones and the letter “R”. I would have put the letter “S” on my list but there is a group claiming that Jesus had two of the letter s in his name therefore the state can’t teach the alphabet.

The problem with this whole system is that adults are thinking like adults. For the entirety of  high school I didn’t even open my textbooks, so I certainly wouldn’t have seen any little sticker on the inside cover. The only thing that a sticker in a book would do for a high school student is that it would give the book extra padding and exceptional drool catching performance. In the interest of keeping the peace between people with half a brain and your average Georgia PTA member here’s my new sticker: “Question everything in this book.” There. Problem solved. Not that anyone but a bunch of pissed-off parents are ever going to read it.

WWAD – What Would Aliens Do?

Whether its a weird take on Santa, Christmas cards, or monkeys turning into humans, every single idea has its detractors. The only problem is that the detractors have way to much time to spend annoying other people about it. And when they realize that they’re wrong they get even more pissed off about it, so they aggravate even more people which creates a vicious cycle that ends up making everyone on earth pissed at everyone else. After the nuclear holocaust, when aliens dig up our remains to find out what kind of race we were the last thing that they’re going to care about is what Bush put on his Christmas cards, or what the Krupniks had for their Christmas display, or whether we thought that we looked like monkeys a little too much. So please stop protesting stupid shit.