cjdaweasel.com

Final Fantasy 7 – The Spin-offs

Part III: The Article Formerly Known as “The Spinoffs”

Final Fantasy 7 : SARS Crisis

After failing miserably at attempting to scare the public into a frenzy with Bird Flu, Fox television will re-release FF7 as an “epidemic control” game. At the beginning of the game all characters will start with some disease such as SARS, Ear Lobe Cancer, or Terminal Tennis Elbow. As the story progresses, each character will have to seek out members of the legendary CDC and obtain cures for their respective diseases. The big twist will come at the end when each character learns from nurse Sephiroth that their diseases never even existed to begin with.

Final Fantasy 7 : Texas Chili

Brought to the market as yet ANOTHER service pack for FF7:EC, TC removes the original Exclamation mark bug, but as a side effect introduces a new error that turns all the weapons in the game to Happy Meal toys. Microsoft will at first deny that there is a Happy Meal bug, but after six months of complaints will quietly release another patch to fix it. As well as fixing the code for the original EC, TC will introduce a new chili cook-off mini game. In the Texas Chili cook-off players will have to collect herbs and chemicals from around the world and infuse them into a chili recipe. If the player wins the contest they will be rewarded with a Chili materia, that while not lethal will force the enemy run to the nearest bathroom.

Final Fantasy 7 : Underwear Capers

Going back before FF7:BC, Underwear Capers will introduce Cloud, Barrett, and Cid as mischievous college pranksters. Playing as one of these characters, the player must (a la Sam Fisher) sneak into the girls dorm and steal as many pairs of panties as possible without being caught. Then the panties must be duct-taped together and run up the campus flagpole. Beware of Headmaster Sephiroth. If he catches you you’ll be suspended and you’ll have to spend your days writing articles for a union on Gamespot.

Brought to you by aerisISalive and their android strike force.

Final Fantasy 7 : Viet Cong
 
Square, after realizing that unless they start going into triple letters they’ll have to stop making the spin-offs soon, will determine that there is one area that they haven’t cashed in on: War Games. Using the engine from the Medal of Honor series, SquareEnix will release Vietnam version of FF7. Pitting you as Sergeant Barrett’s squad against an army of Charlies you will have to use your guns, guns, some more guns, and maybe a rocket or two to survive.

Protip: Be careful with grenades, a mistake can make you very unpopular with what’s left of your squad.

Final Fantasy 7 : Wile E Coyote

Taking a tip from other cell-shaded games, FF:WC will feature none other than Wile E Coyote as a spiky-haired, sword wielding Cloud. The game will forfeit most of the traditional weapons in favor of the ACME line of defense. Most swords will be replaced with hammers on springs, guns with cannons that shoot marbles, and staves with little guns that say “Bang!” when you pull the trigger. All the weapons will backfire in some way, making the game easiest to beat if you just set everyone to defend and let the enemy blow themselves away.

Final Fantasy 7 : XXXsored CXXe

AXXer seeiXg the sXcXss of Xhe FiXXX FanXXsy SerieX a XXX amXendXXent wiXX be addXd to XXX Partiot Act aXXXwing thX government tX cenXor anyXXXing that thXy fXXl theatXXs Democracy, America, XX FrXXdom of SpXXch. NeedXXXX to sayX the gXme wiXl be aXmosX entXXXly unplXyablX.

Final Fantasy 7 :Yankee Core

In this version of FF7, Sid Meier takes over as project lead, replacing the original Final Fantasy Seven Universe with historical figures from the American Civil War. The main character will be Abraham Lincoln dressed as a Union soldier. Swords will be replaced with musket rifles, and the battle system will be turned based. Your group will consist of a total of five characters including Joseph Hooker and the love interest Mary Todd.

Limit Break List:

Clean Musket – Lincoln cleans his rifle, inserts charge, loads bullet, aims and fires. The entire limit break will last about 35 seconds. Effect: 300 damage to any one creature.

Emancipation – Lincoln delivers a speech lasting about 5 minutes. Effect: All enemies are put to sleep.

Homestead – Lincoln invites the poor into the battle to build houses. Effect: All enemies that are of Native American descent are instantly killed.

Assassinate – Lincoln is killed instantly. Effect: Kills your character, erases your saved games, swears at you and then melts your PS2.

Final Fantasy 7 : Zod’s Crusade

Failing to defeat Superman on at least 125 occasions, Zod will team up with Sephiroth and beat the ever loving tar out of Cloud. While not much for a story, it will be extremely gratifying to those of us who are FUCKING SICK of hearing about Cloud.

 

Bonus Features

Any DVD that’s worth its weight in asparagus has bonus features. So here’s a list of things that would be under the EXTRAS menu if this were indeed a DVD.

- The actual answers to the opening paragraph that read “What does it mean? Are there more planned? Will there be a Hot Coffee mod for any of them?” Are as follows: Nothing, yes, and only for scenes with Tifa in them.
- If DC were not Dirge of Cerberus it would have been F7F: Core Dyslexic – Version Final of this Fantasy will all have words mixed the of it in around.
- Originally the bonus features were just going to be a list of different meatloaf recipes. Aren’t you glad I changed my mind?
- I first played FF7 on the PC. Due to faulty display drivers it wasn’t until two years later that I learned that Barrett was black, not purple.
- The Wile E Coyote one was kind of a stretch wasn’t it? That’s too many letters.
- I would buy a copy of Love Crisis. Hell, I’d be waiting in line on launch day.
- I almost didn’t put in Falafel under Hell’s Chicken. I didn’t think that anyone would know what it was. But there was a copy and paste error and it somehow got back in after I replaced it with “Pancakes”.
- Originally this article was called “That Sinking Feeling”
- Don’t discipline your donkey without a proper license.
- By the end of the bonus features list I had run out of things to say. So I explained that I had nothing else to say and then explained that. Then I added on a few more sentences that had little to do with Final Fantasy just so it would look like it was long and involved. I hope I succeeded.

Final Fantasy 7 – The Spin-offs

Part II: The Spin-offs vs. Predator

Final Fantasy 7 : Kris Crosis

After a disaster of a music video game on the Sega CD, it appeared as though no one would ever buy another Kriss Kross video game. But in 2005, seeing the market value of a remake, but without the finances or the brain power to back it up, Kriss Kross approached SquareEnix to develop a sequel. After tough negotiations consisting mostly of snickering, Square agreed to create the game on the grounds that, and I quote, “As long as it says Final Fantasy on it, someone will buy it.” The code was finished in a weekend and uses pieces from the original Sega CD version as well as the Final Fantasy Seven engine and story. Battles were replaced with a semi-puzzle game where you match completely unrelated video clips to music that you normally wouldn’t be caught dead listening to. The end product of the battles will usually look like six different families tried to record their home movies on the same tape, but were only able to agree that “I missed the bus” was a good idea for the soundtrack.

Final Fantasy 7 : Love Crisis

Finally admitting that the only thing that most Final Fantasy Fans want to see is Aeris and Tifa naked, Square releases a spin-off of Final Fantasy 7 that pits the girls against each other in a variety of games including Mud Wresting, Wet T-Shirt Contests, and so much more. Unlockables will include characters from other games in the Final Fantasy series such as Rinoa, Yuna, and Quistis. The game will sell 3.5 million copies in America, but no one will admit to buying it.

Smuggled through the underground by Oblivion and his secret force of highly-trained ninja rabbits.

Final Fantasy 7 : Marlboro Core

Due to the restrictions placed on cigarette companies in the advertising arena, Marlboro will form a deal with Square Enix to produce a game starring the Marlboro Man. The Marlboro Man character will be a “Wild West” gunslinger and will fight alongside Sephiroth to spread a “thick rich taste” across the land. Joe Camel will a make an appearance as a mount replacing the Chocobos. Also, Materia will be substituted in favor of a new power up system which will include different types of cigarettes ranging from the “Light No-Tar” up to “Silky Smooth Red Box”. The game will retail for 49.99, but after taxes will cost around 80.
 
Final Fantasy 7 : Newbie Core

After most of their fans were incarcerated for owning FF7: FC, Square will attempt to broaden their fan base by making a Final Fantasy 7 spin-off that is so easy that Grandma could play it. FF:NC will come with a 1-800 number and a free cell phone on the outside of the box in the event that the user cannot open the case. Once the game is opened, a small robot will come out to put the game into the system, set up the system if necessary, insert memory cards, and plug in the controller. The game will then play the intro, and begin playing by itself. In-game, all attacks will be replaced with Omnislash and Knights of the Round, and all health will default to 9999. Once the game is completed the included robot will go to EB, trade in the game and Western Union the money to you.

Smuggled through the underground by Oblivion and his now not-so-secret force of highly-trained ninja rabbits.

Final Fantasy 7 : Other Characters

Seeing the success of the other spin-offs of Final Fantasy 7, Square will release a set of alternate versions of the game that will feature unused characters. Most notably, the original character playing Cloud was called Clod and wielded a gun that fired rounds of Vienna sausages. Cait Sith replaced Cowman at the last second due to their inability to figure out what limit breaks a cow was supposed to have. Anyone who hasn’t been missing their meds will see that either choice was doomed. In the original scripts, Barrett was played by Mr. T, but was removed when Square refused to put 50 pounds of gold chains on the character. Vincent was originally a full blown clown, but today only the shoes remain from those original designs.
 
Final Fantasy 7 : Politically Correct

With impending lawsuits by various organizations that wish to make the English language as complicated as possible, SquareEnix will release a revised version of Final Fantasy 7 that replaces key words that might be considered racist, ageist, sexist, etc with euphemisms. A sample list of replaced words is as follows:

Room: Living quarters
Black: African American
A**hole: Mad Person
Whip: Discipline
A**: Donkey

Unfortunately, due to translation issues between the Japanese and English versions of the game the dialogue will render it completely unplayable. Here is an example of a conversation from a scene where Tifa is trying to get Cloud to paint a room:

Original Version: “Tell that a**hole that if he doesn’t paint that room black by the time I get back I’ll whip his a**!”
Politically Correct Version: “Say to that mad person that if he doesn’t paint those living quarters with the African American, I’ll discipline his donkey.”

Final Fantasy 7 : Quarter Cost

Following the events of Advent Children, Cloud is forced to find a real job. Since “guy to swing sword around” is not a job trait that is useful in today’s job market Cloud takes out a low-interest small business loan and opens a used motorcycle lot. Using a good/evil system similar to Knights of the Old Republic, Cloud must build his used vehicle empire while trying not to screw his customers out of too much money. Become good buy selling only solid bikes at reasonable prices. Become evil by selling lemons at exorbitant prices. Do YOU have what it takes to help Cloud become salesperson of the month?
 
Final Fantasy 7 : Rectal Conquest

You start off in a prison, where you… never mind. Its about fluffy bunnies and their search for Happyfun Mountain.

Final Fantasy 7 – The Spin-offs

Part I: Spin-offs The Movie

If you’ve been alive lately, or dead and reading gaming sites, you have probably heard about an interesting trend in the Final Fantasy Seven spin-offs. FF7 now has 4 spin-offs either planned or released, and they fall in order alphabetically. For those of you who have not had the pleasure of finding this out for yourselves, here is a breakdown:

FF7: AC – Advent Children
FF7: BC – Before Crisis
FF7: CC – Crisis Core
FF7: DC – Dirge of Cerberus

Thus, the questions remain. What does it mean? Are there more planned? Will there be a Hot Coffee mod for any of them? For this, there are no easy answers, but, thanks to my crack squad of investigators, and a little reworking by me, the Lieutenant of Awesome, we’ve broken the code and now bring you the list of all of the 26 spin-offs for Final Fantasy 7. Due to restrictions of space I will only release a few every couple of days when the nice men let me out of my room (read: when I get around to it).
Final Fantasy 7 : Error Code

In an attempt to save money for upcoming FF titles, Square out sources its development to Microsoft. Microsoft completes the game in 10 years and 5 million over budget. The game will not feature any of the characters or locations from FF7, but will instead have a slick interface for reporting crashes and bugs. Due to a scripting error FF7:EC is completely unplayable past the main menu, but MS swiftly releases a patch in a little under 16 months to fix the issue. The patch also allows error reports to be displayed in a new “Hot Red” color as well as the traditional blue. Unfortunately it is discovered that the fix introduces a new bug that causes the game to freeze any time an exclamation mark appears in the dialogue. The more hardcore fans will discover that they can get about 17 minutes of play out of the game if they don’t do anything “too exciting”.
Final Fantasy 7 : From Columbia

This version of FF7 will actually be Dance Dance Revolution MAX with Final Fantasy Seven written on the CD with a Sharpie. But since the game ships packed in cocaine, by the time the player reaches the CD they won’t care.
Final Fantasy 7 : Google Crap

Google Inc’s developers, in a desperate bid to prove that they can do more than write web search programs, will release a spin-off of FF7. The new version will be nearly identical to the original except that every time you use a potion, walk around, talk to someone, enter a battle, win a battle, lose a battle, save, load, or hit the triangle button, you will be pelted with “Ads by Google”. Most people will still consider this version superior to the other spin-offs, but will be unable to describe why.
Final Fantasy 7 : Hells Chicken

This spin-off of FF7 will be sponsored by Tabasco and feature Cloud wielding a large bottle of hot sauce. All of the enemies will be replaced with different food items that are deemed hot sauce appropriate. Here is a partial list of the changes:

Dragon Zombie: Spaghetti
Parasite: Buffalo Wings
Goblin: Falafel
Ultimate Weapon: Box of Original Recipe

Final Fantasy 7 : Indian Camel

Released as yet another service pack to FF7:EC, Indian Camel will give users the option of replacing the games Chocobos with Camels (two-hump not included). The American version, much to the relief of players, will not include the “Indian” portion of the riding scenes. Cloud will instead be holding a bright red lollipop.

The information on this version was smuggled through the underground by secret agent Odin75789

Final Fantasy 7 : Jesus Crisis

In another, soon to be classic attempt to make God “cool” several churches will ban together to rework FF7 to include more religious themes. Cloud will be removed and replaced with Moses as he tries to free his people from Sephiroth’s control. “Plagues” replace the basic Limit Break system, and instead of a sword, Moses wields a burning bush. The Sphere-Grid scheme will make a comeback when it is found that leveling up can be made more religious as players will inexorably groan “Jesus Christ, not this thing again.”

Disclaimer: If your morals won’t let you read this article because of its harsh languge, please borrow someone else’s until you can find a replacement set.

Fatal Labyrinth

In Fatal Labyrinth, a game made by People Who Hate You(tm), the object is to guide your character, Trykaar, to the end of a maze and defeat a dragon that is terrorizing your hometown. Most of you will recognize this as RPG storyline B-384, substituting an Evil Dragon for an Evil Mage.

Unlike most bad games, in Fatal Labyrinth its the tiny things that bother me. Like the fact that I can’t walk on grass, or that the everyone looks to be made of pudding. Also, your character maintains a stiff upper body while his feet wildly flap underneath him. This would normally be alright except that in 16-bit it looks like Trykaar is River-dancing.

Tiny things, like how the town that I’m defending sent me into the FATAL LABYRINTH with no armor and a d*ldo. A d*ldo that I use to slowly poke baddies until they collapse. “Ah-HA! Fear my 3 speed vibrate function!”

Fatal Labyrinth has my vote for Best Dild* Poking Simulator Ever. Well, short of American Idol. How are you going to compete with an entire cast of dild*s? To the game’s credit, it does try real hard to convince me it’s a knife. I’m sorry FL, I know a sex toy when I see one.

Movie: Dancing with the Enemy (1.7 MB)

If you’ve ever read the Engrish (sic) on the back of a Hong Kong VCD you’ll appreciate the script for Fatal Labyrinth. No two sentences that are put together make any sense. Take for example exhibit A from a villager: “I HEARD THAT A BRAVE SWORDSMAN DEFEATED THE DRAGON A LONG TIME AGO.”, followed immediately by “I WONDER IF I HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL TOMORROW.”

Those of you who aren’t complete retards will recognize that this isn’t the way anyone who speaks English talks. In fact, I know like 2.43 languages and that isn’t the way anybody talks. Usually, humans sort things so we have like items together. That’s the reason why all the skinny women are on TV and all the fat ones are Goths.

If humanity didn’t have the combined ability to sort out our sentences into logical groups then we’d have cops pulling us over and yelling “DO YOU KNOW HOW FAST YOU WERE GOING? I HAVE GERBILS IN MY PANTS.”

You’d waste about 12 seconds contemplating whether you should save the gerbils before you put your pedal to the floor and hope that you get at least number 9 in 10 Wildest Police Chases Ever.

Movie: A Story of Epic Proportions (733 KB)

Even if we didn’t have the human sorting ability, this would still put our verbal skills one notch on the Stupid-o-meter above the AI for the enemies in Fatal Labyrinth. In fact if you attempt to get into a brawl with one, there’s a very good chance that you’ll just end up dancing around each other like idiots until you back them into a wall or corner. Bad guys in this game just don’t grasp the concept of walls on two sides of them.

Once you get said enemy into a corner, just slam yourself into him until he dies. You do this by holding the pad down in the direction of the enemy. Don’t press any buttons. Just hold down the D-pad until you kill them, or you die from boredom. Either way it’s the most rewarding experience this side of drowning in a Latrine.

Considering that you fight enemies by, quite literally, running into them repeatedly while poking them with your vibrator (or in later levels, a florescent light-bulb) combat gets tiring. In most cases, it becomes down-right excruciating. If you don’t have a Sega Genesis, or can’t get your hands on a copy of this game, you can simulate the FL battle system by watching a single episode of The View twelve times in a row or seeing how many times you can hit yourself with a hammer before you wake up on the floor.*

The enemies in Fatal Labyrinth don’t help the situation much either. The first few enemies that you’ll come across include a Rolly-Pollie, a pile of snot, and a Demon/Wizard. The Demon is probably the most annoying of them, seeing as his only spell is SLEEP which he will use EVERY ROUND. This makes your character fall asleep while he beats the pi** out of you. Then, you’ll wake up long enough to attack once, have that attack blocked, and then be put back to sleep. Its not really hard, it just takes up time that you could be using to do more important things, like downloading porn.

Movie: Randomization Gone Wrong (788 KB)

After you’ve backed several baddies into a corner and beaten them into submission with your toy of destruction, you’ll eventually level. The first level you’ll gain will be “Valet” which is, according to my underground sources, a parking attendant. The next level after that is a “Ranger”. That is probably short for “Park Ranger”. It seems clear to me that the leveling system is based on jobs that require little to no training. This can only lead you to the conclusion that level 98 and 99 are probably “Street Sweeper” and “Denny’s Manager” respectively.

The bats are the ones that get the bum rap. Every creature has an attack of some sort, the Demons put you to sleep, the Rolly-Pollies barf on you, the snot touches your shoe, etc. The bats don’t do anything. They don’t swoop down and bite you, hit you with a whiffle ball, or crap on your head. Just by flying next to you they drain your life force. Unbeknownst to science, bats have some sort of psychic powers and/or really bad BO.

But since you can make your character fat, maybe there’s a way that you can ward off the BO of the bats by creating some of your own. Oh, and yes, you can get your character fat. The developers felt that creating a system by which to gauge your characters obesity was more important than say, a better River-dance animation. When your character gets fat, it’s really more aggravating than anything as Tyraak will creep along at a snail’s pace. This would be annoying all on its own, but the bad guys aren’t to swift either. You’ll spend most of your time waddling your fat a** across the room to kill the one baddie that was foiled by a doorway.

Movie: Wake the )(@#(T% UP! (1.43 MB)

Conclusion:
In the end, Fatal Labyrinth is just an item collecting game with about as much plot as a classified ad. It’s time consuming, boring and requires so much patience that Mother Theresa would have thrown her controller down, swearing. Take all that and add in a River-dancing main character who fights barfing insects, and you have the makings for a world-class d*ldo-poking simulator. Bar none.

* I don’t recommend either of those choices.

Pain-O-Meter: 3 Valium, a glass of wine, and a Tylenol to take the edge off.

Most Heard Phrase: “Did I just get killed by a snail?”

Least Favorite Enemy: The freakin wizard guys who use SLEEP over and over again. Magic is like a stock portfolio. Diversify. Diversify. Diversify.

Least Favorite Weapon: The bow and arrow. I never did figure out how to shoot arrows. When I would select THROW Tykaar would hurl the bow at them. Not a very strategic move.
 
 
 

[Click Here for Solution]