World News Later → 3° World News Later – Idiots Sue Everything and Lose
3° World News Later
Idiots Sue Everything and Lose.
People have got to stop protesting stupid shit. In New York in preparation for the holidays, people are looking for ways to piss other people off. Chief among these are the Krupniks who have decided that in order to celebrate Christmas, you need to have lots of blood, a beheaded Doll, and a Santa wielding a knife. Screw the chestnuts.
The Truth About Santa and Bush
Of course, as with anything that’s even remotely close to cool, people are going to get their panties in a wad over it. Peter Nardoza, 81, Member of the “We Get Offended at Everything” Council commented “What kind of a world is this that we live in?”. Well Peter, the answer to that is ’round’, but technically we don’t live in it, but on it. Getting back to the point Peter, that this country is almost ruled by a document called the Constitution and there just happens to be a part of the constitution about free speech followed by a sentence that reads “no man shall be refused the right to mutilate a Santa Claus to get their name in the paper”.
Don’t try to fool yourself, that’s exactly what they’re trying to do. Claims by the Krupniks that this was supposed to be “fun” and that they “didn’t put it up to offend anybody” are bullshit. You don’t mutilate a Santa Claus and depict him removing the heads of dolls and expect someone with no sense of humor not to get pissed. Doing completely benign things like having sex pisses these people off, mostly because they’re 81 like Peter and not getting laid anymore. But really Peter, you can’t blame the Krupniks, if you have a name like that and you don’t already own an investment firm or a savings and loan then you have to get into the paper somehow.
The people getting upset over this are probably the same group that got mad at George Bush when he sent out “Happy Holidays” cards at Christmas. I don’t have the time or the energy to do my laundry once a week, much less gather a protest group over the wording of a holiday greeting from the White House. I’ve never gotten a card from any government establishment, unless you count Subpoenas so I’d be thrilled to get a letter from the government. So to all those protesting Christmas cards I say this with all sincerity: Get a Life. Really. Hate Bush for the right reasons, like being a dumbass and bombing people in the desert for no reason. Not for his fucking Christmas cards. You’re making all the other Bush-haters look like idiots. Well Done. The only time I’ll ever get upset over a Card is if I’m hanging off a cliff and scream “Rope!” and get a barrage of pamphlets that say “Happy Easter”.
Stupid Monkey
What happens when you get bored fighting the terribly unjust Christmas card from the Whitehouse? You go to Georgia and attack stickers about dead monkeys. Apparently someone wanted to add a sticker to a textbook that said that “Evolution is a theory, not a fact”.
Well, for the most part everything we know is a theory. The only reason that anything is accepted as a fact is that we haven’t found anything better to replace it with. If tomorrow we found out that tiny gnomes living at the center of the earth pulled invisible strings that keep everything from flying off the earth, then we’d have to ditch the theory of gravity and replace it with the “Unified Gnome Theory”. You think that gnomes are a stupid idea? How about a bearded guy who lives in the sky and made all the universe and everything in it in a week. You put those two right next to each other and its hard to tell which one you’re supposed to laugh at.
But to their credit you need to study everything with an open mind. Things are only true because the majority of people that care think they are. If everyone believed that a blow up doll was a type of cigarette, then for all practical purposes that’s true. But this group protesting evolution doesn’t have very good arguments against what the majority of rational people believe. John West, a person against the monkey-human theory has his best argument summed up in “If it’s unconstitutional to tell students to study evolution with an open mind, then what’s not unconstitutional?”
That’s a double negative, so he’s asking what is constitutional. In my never ending quest to help people out, especially you John, here’s a brief list of things that are, as you so succinctly said, “not unconstitutional”: Corn, Ice Cream, Telephones and the letter “R”. I would have put the letter “S” on my list but there is a group claiming that Jesus had two of the letter s in his name therefore the state can’t teach the alphabet.
The problem with this whole system is that adults are thinking like adults. For the entirety of high school I didn’t even open my textbooks, so I certainly wouldn’t have seen any little sticker on the inside cover. The only thing that a sticker in a book would do for a high school student is that it would give the book extra padding and exceptional drool catching performance. In the interest of keeping the peace between people with half a brain and your average Georgia PTA member here’s my new sticker: “Question everything in this book.” There. Problem solved. Not that anyone but a bunch of pissed-off parents are ever going to read it.
WWAD – What Would Aliens Do?
Whether its a weird take on Santa, Christmas cards, or monkeys turning into humans, every single idea has its detractors. The only problem is that the detractors have way to much time to spend annoying other people about it. And when they realize that they’re wrong they get even more pissed off about it, so they aggravate even more people which creates a vicious cycle that ends up making everyone on earth pissed at everyone else. After the nuclear holocaust, when aliens dig up our remains to find out what kind of race we were the last thing that they’re going to care about is what Bush put on his Christmas cards, or what the Krupniks had for their Christmas display, or whether we thought that we looked like monkeys a little too much. So please stop protesting stupid shit.
In a dramatic switch in his paper from Insane Religio-babble to Psychotic Tech-gibberish, Phillip points out that SETI is breeding super human scientists called “Planet Hunters” to find, kill, and string up planets for various magazines about planet hunting. Each magazine will come with a foldout of a bikini model and once a year one will be named Ms. Asteroid.