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Superman

In… Superman! Part II

At the end of this section you’ll know:

1. What is the best way to ward off a Laser Attack?

2. In a battle between Superman and a stalk of celery, who would win?

When Lois is captured we’re given our first look at “The Mad Scientist”. He has a Mohawk, but with sideburns, and wears eyeliner. Apparently our “Mad Scientist’s day job is as a front man for the Gothic Metal band “Suicide Scientists”. And of course he’s wearing a lab coat. Remember, all scientists wear lab coats. All of them.

Meanwhile with Lois tied up the Mad Scientist begins to destroy the city. Everyone seems to be exceptionally happy about this. Well at least I guess they are. They’re all smiling. Maybe they’ve all just been tazered.

At this point, what is to become the most over-used joke on the planet, is seen for the first time. Clark Kent jumps into a supply closet and changes into Superman. Nobody seems to notice, not even the janitor that was stuck in the closet with him.

As the scientist continues to pound on the city tearing the foundation out from underneath a building, superman quickly swings into action to put the building upright. Now, I know that some of you think that after you remove the foundation from under a building that there’s no way that you could get it back up. Well those of you who think that are wrong. It is completely logical to have a building stand with no foundation. Back me up structural engineers.

After pushing the building back up, where it stays, Superman begins punching the beam back up to the scientist’s lair. I hate to be the one who has to bring this up to the writers of such a fine show such as Superman!, but you can’t punch a laser. Hell, you can’t punch the water coming out of garden hose with any degree of success, so what is the point of sucker punching an energy beam?

Now I slept through most of my Physics class in High school, but I’m pretty sure that I never had a test that asked me to “Prove the Energy to Jell-O Ratio”. But a bunch of animators and Superman can’t be wrong, right? Remember, lasers and energy weapons can be punched.

Ignoring this slight technical oversight, Superman continues to make headway towards “The Mad Scientist” who we get to see at least 7 or 8 times flipping switches and looking peeved. As the scientist turns up the power to his Electrothenasia Ray it begins shooting rocks, which totally makes sense. We are also treated to yet another few shots of wildly pulsating nothings and some dials that, for all we know, show that the scientist’s wash is now in the spin cycle.

Superman eventually reaches the Ray-gun and ties it in a knot. The gun goes crazy and steam starts shooting out of it. It seems that “The Mad Scientist” was using a water powered laser gun. He may be evil but he’s planet friendly.

Then, as Superman bursts through the wall, The Mad Scientist in true bad guy fashion, yells out “Superman!”. Like we at home got confused. We thought that it was going to be Al Roaker. “There’s a 20% chance I’m gonna kick your ass.”

Then the building blows up and Superman saves everyone even the Gothic Mad Scientist who gets put in jail. The jail scene slowly fades to a newspaper that reads “SUPERMAN’S IDENTITY STILL A MYSTERY” on the front page. When was the last time you saw a front page article confirming something we already new was true? You’d seriously consider changing publications if you picked up the paper tomorrow and the cover story was “News Flash! Wood Still Comes From Trees! Details inside!”

In the end though, Superman wins, nobody gets the woman, and another villain with a retarded plan goes to jail. Remember, Superman always wins. Even against a giant steam-powered Jell-O gun.

Superman

In… Superman! Part I

At the end of this section you’ll know:

1. What is the best disguise you can wear?

2. All journalists have a part-time job. What is it?

From what I gather from the back of the DVD case, this episode of Superman is the first of the animated Superman Series to be broadcast in the early 40s. Like most bands first albums, this episode is self titled and the music sucks.

The show opens with a shot of Superman’s home planet, represented by a balloon, and a brief narration provided by the same guy who does the Superfriends. He explains that Superman’s dad realized that Krypton was about to explode so he built a rocket to take Superman to Earth. Superman’s dad was apparently a Geologist and a Rocket Scientist who had the intelligence and time to master both Tectonics and Interplanetary Travel, but sadly lacked the ability to call the Kryptonian Local News.

Superman’s rocket landed on Earth and Superman was taken in by an orphanage that the animator couldn’t be bothered to color. This orphanage, that didn’t seem too interested in asking questions about why infants were falling from the sky also gave Superman his great disguising skills. Superman changes his look from guy in blue with red underwear to guy in suit with glasses and hat. That outfit couldn’t fool my grandma.

I’ve had practical experience with the Superman School of Disguise. I remember once when I was streaking and the police were chasing me. I stopped and put on a pair of glasses and a hat, and they still knew it was me. Remember, a new hat and glasses makes you completely unidentifiable to even your closest friends.

The story itself opens to Thing calling Lois and Clark Kent into Mr. White’s Office. Using my super powerful deductive reasoning skills I determined that Mr. White was the Managing Editor. No, I used super sleuth skills, I did not just read it off his door.

Inside Mr. White’s Office Lois and Clark are read a letter written by a mad scientist, who is appropriately called “The Mad Scientist”. Ten yard penalty for no originality. It reads “My Electrothanasia-Ray strikes tonight at 12. Total destruction will come to those who laughed at me and failed to heed my warnings. Beware I strike at midnight!” Those of you who have written a few threatening letters (probably to me) will quickly identify the poor construction of this ransom note.

First of all, every bad guy from terrorists to General Zod to the bully on the playground knows that you always end your threat with “Unless you give me ____.” You ALWAYS demand something, be it money, a helicopter, or French toast. Especially if you want French Toast. They have to buy it and cook it, and that takes a long time.

Also, we’re left with several questions. Like: What the hell is an Electrothanasia-Ray? or What does it do? or Does it come in red? All important information that we the viewers need in order to accurately assess the Mad Scientists situation in comparison to that of our protagonist are unfortunately non-existent.

After reading the letter Lois accepts the assignment, runs off, jumps in a plane and flies to the “Mad Scientist’s” house. There’s a real important scene here where she puts on a flight helmet. From what I understand, it was supposed to shore up some sort of continuity error. Apparently the test audience didn’t believe that she actually put on her helmet. They also didn’t believe that as a journalist she had the credentials to fly a plane, but of course they do. Remember, all reporters are also part-time flight instructors.

Lois makes a few passes around the Mad Scientists lab, for good measure, and lands in front of it. But when she goes in to interview the scientist she’s captured. [Insert Fake Surprise Here]. This happens every flippin’ episode: Lois puts herself in avoidable danger, where she gets tied up at some point. This makes me think that Lois is some sort of bondage freak.

This does raise yet another interesting question: If everyone knows where the scientist’s lab is why don’t they dispatch a SWAT team or bomb the place? Heck, I’d just send two drunk guys and a bulldozer. Tell them to just take out the first floor, leave the others where they are. They’ll destroy the building (the scientist will have no weapon) the drunk guys will die (so you don’t have to pay them) and the bulldozer will be destroyed (a tax write-off). It’s foolproof. I really should be a consultant.