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Crazy For Cows

Part II : Poo Launching Cows

In case cow stories aren’t your thing, there are several other cow related things to do on the site. You can also play games! Most are quizzes related to parts of cow’s bodies that you’re probably better off not thinking about. I took a quiz and got 2 out of 10. One question I got right just because I guessed well. The other was the question about shit, which I consider myself an expert on.

My favorite game has to be the “Pie Game”, where the object of the game is to shoot falling steaks by launching poop from the anus of a cow. In case you didn’t catch that, I’m going to repeat it: The object of the game is to shoot steaks out of the sky by shitting on them with a cow. As of this point, the site lost what little dignity it had left. The good news is that if you have problems playing the fantastically fun Cow Pie game, fear not. There’s a place where you can email “if you have a problem playing CowPie”, which last year was given the “Least Used Link On the Internet” Award.

Fun Cow Fact:
Per day, a cow spends 6 hours eating and 8 hours chewing cud.

As if cow stories and cow games that involve poo, weren’t enough there’s more! For that cow lover in your life, there’s “something for everyone”. I don’t personally know any cow lovers, but I do know a few idiots, so I figured that gifts recommended from this site were a good bet. I bought my retarded cousin a cow with palm trees growing out of its back. I was sure that this Chernobyl-esque deformed cow would be considered cute by anyone with a single digit IQ, so I bought it. Chucky (my cousin), slobbered on it, laughed, and then promptly smashed it. It was too stupid even for him.

The problem with cows is that they’ll never be cool. Take movies for example. The coolest thing that cows get to do in movies is be mutilated by aliens. This stems from their only real products being: Leather, Food, and Farts. It’s hard to admire that. Horses, on the other hand, which are closely related to cows (and by closely related I mean they look the same), but don’t suffer from an image problem. John Wayne’s popularity would have been drastically different if he would have come riding into town on a cow. In fact, aside from mutilation, I can’t think of one thing that cows do that is cool. They chew cud, fart, die and we eat them. That’s it. No website needed.

Crazy For Cows

Part I : Why Cows Probably Hate Us

There are sites everywhere on the internet that are dedicated to different things. Star Trek, Video Games, Cars, etc. Cows, however, should not fall into this list. In fact, www.crazyforcows.com delivers everything you never wanted to know about cows, and more.

Usually, when a website opens up with “Moo!”, your expectations of a site should drop to zero. If they don’t, tell the dwarf men from Happyfun Mountain I said “Hi.”. Those of you not running off to deliver my message, please read on.

I discovered crazyforcows.com on one of my many searches for naked midgets in clown costumes. Why? Do you ask? I don’t know. Midgets and clowns have nothing to do with cows, so I don’t know how the site related to my search. Search engine technology is designed by light beings from NASA and is decades beyond our pathetic human minds to comprehend. The beings must truly have wanted me to see this site, bending the laws of the universe to show me to it.

Instantly, upon viewing the site, you can see why it is so incredibly important. There are many, many things to learn about cows, and most of them are really gross.

Fun Cow Fact:
A 1,000 pound cow produces an average of 10 tons of manure a year.

Also on the site is listed several stories that readers have submitted about cows. I don’t want to know what kind of sad lonely life that you have to lead in order to think that a cow related incident is good enough to write about, submit to a site, and then have it read and pondered over by other “cow fanatics”, but I’ll tell you this, we have a phrase for people like that: Serial Killer.