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The Search for the Funny

Part IV.II : The Showdown of the Cute and Scary Finalists

Finally we had our two finalists:

Jesus Monkguins

Score: 136,004

Pros: Cute, Easy to Laugh at, possibly deadly

Cons: Christians with their humor glands removed wouldn’t find it funny, Poorly drawn, kinda dumb… correction: really dumb. correction: unbelievably dumb. ["Downright Retarded" -Ed.]

Laugh Factor: Absurdity is great, religious absurdity is better. When people take themselves so seriously, and then produce something like this its a bit like a 50ft tall monster that eats people knitting sweaters. Only with Jesus, and a bad drawing, which makes it better.

Handyman Baby Polar Bear (possibly a ferret):

Score: 951

Pros: As Jennifer put it: cute. Possibly evil, and did a fantastic job installing that hot tub upstairs.

Cons: Not near as scary as the Monkguin, but far fuzzier. In a duel the Jesus Monkguin would win, based solely on the fact that it would be difficult to kill something that doesn’t exist.

Laugh Factor: I thought I’d laugh until I cried when I saw him get the baseboards 1/4′ off, or the time that he accidentally bought porcelain polish for that steel frame. Ahhh… good times, but really not that funny.

WINNER: Jesus Monkguins

I just don’t have enough to say about this picture. It has the three easiest to ridicule into one package: Religion, Monkeys, and Hybrid Animals. Okay, maybe two of the easiest things to ridicule. Besides, anything that can make god cry is worth a second mention.

Funniest Person: Mr. T
Funniest Stereotype: Midgets (Super Munchkin Man)
Funniest Cute/Scary thing: Jesus Monkguins

Final Movie Title: Mr. T and Super Munchkin Man Versus The Monkeys of D.O.O.M. (this film as not yet been rated)

Now, to start my movie.

The Search for the Funny

Part IV.I : The Showdown of the Cute and Scary (Section 2)

Google Search 3: Pandas

This is quite obviously a picture of a baby Polar Bear trying to restore the oak flooring in a two story house near downtown San Francisco.

Scariness: 945

It’s not especially scary, being a baby bear. I do remember the story of Goldy.. hawn… and the three umm… panda bears. In which three bears were lifeguards… or something… and Goldie Hawn played the part of a soldier named Ryan, or Benjamin, or something. Anyway, the point is that you don’t fuck with bears.

Cuteness: 4

Jennifer decided that killer ferret instincts aside (she insists that it’s some kind of weasel), it looks really cute. At this point our disagreement over whether it was a bear or a ferret caused us to break out in a plastic sword fight. I won the duel because I broke the most stuff. I still say its a Polar Bear.

va SoH: 2

It seems logical that it would take at least two Klingon soldiers to kill a handy-man polar bear. One to lure him with an offer of free vinyl siding and the other to attack him from behind. I feel that one Klingon could not both sneak up behind him and give a good presentation of our fabulous products offered at reasonable rates.

Final Score: 951

Google Search 4: String Monsters

Do not be fooled by this picture. What you are seeing is one of the fearsome Kat Warriors of Alkamas locked in combat with the String Warriors from the Fourth Dimension. This battle was a bloody one with the Kat Warrior winning by only a narrow margin.

Scariness: 34
Prior to the battle, the bet was on the String Monster, being that it could transform itself into any form, and its “Cat’s Cradle”, was feared throughout the galaxy. The Kat Warrior had won by the end of the halluci… I mean battle, and posed no threat to anyone stronger than a sick toddler. Anything 34 miles away or more would have no trouble escaping.

Cuteness: 10
My sister is adamant that this is the cutest picture of the bunch. She almost went rogue and gave it an 11. Luckily I got to it first. Several swordfights, and a lot of broken Precious Moments figurines later, it was declared that a 10 was high enough.

Va SoH: .5

A paraplegic Klingon could beat this cat to death armed with a rubber pacifier and an empty DVD case. The only foreseeable problem is if the cat ran away, in which case the Klingon would need to roll to catch it. Hopefully it will run downstairs.

Final Score: 44.5

The Search for the Funny

Part IV.I : The Showdown of the Cute and Scary (Section 1)

Google Search 1: Children

At first I thought this was one of those rare shots of Bigfoot after a bad haircut, but it turned out to be, as Jennifer said “a mad little girl”. I’m going to take her word for it.

Scariness: 1

Midgets are funny, children are not. They destroy your life from the inside out and put peanut butter and jelly in the VCR. Though since this rating is based on “scariness” and not “annoying-ness”, the child… thing is only scary from one mile away or closer.

Cuteness: 2

Jennifer said that this is kind of cute, but not really cute. Yes that’s all she said. Her input is invaluable.

va SoH: 1

A blind Klingon Heroin addict could kill this thing with a stiff gym sock.

Final Score: 4

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Google Search 2: Jesus Monkguins

I honestly thought this was a monkey. The idea that a monkey was thinking that Jesus was cool seemed kind of weird, so when my sister pointed out that it was a penguin, it all came together: Christians don’t make any damn sense.

Scariness: 135,983

I wouldn’t want to fight Jesus, much less Jesus with a super penguin/monkey hybrid sidekick. I figure that going up against Jesus with that kind of arsenal would be certain death.

Cuteness: 1

Jennifer said that the penguin was sort of cute, but being a Christian herself, said that even she didn’t need a monkeypenguin to remind her of the cool factor of Jesus. She gave the picture a perfect 10 for Retardation. And then she said something about Jesus crying over something. I wasn’t paying attention to her, hearing only the sweet sounds of the Baywatch opening theme coming from the living room.

va SoH: 20

It would take at least 20 Klingons to kill a ninja monkguin (monkey + penguin) trained by Jesus in the dark arts of walking on water. Besides, Jesus could turn all the water in their bodies to wine, getting them severely drunk, thus making the job of the Jesus monkguin fairly easy.

Final Score: 136,004

The Search for the Funny

Part IV : The Cute, The Scary, The Really Scary

The last part of my quest for the “Funniest Thing Ever” was to find something that was both cute and scary, like My Little Ponies.

In order to find something cute I was going to need an expert in the field of disgusting cuteness. Someone who had a complete disregard for how useful an item was, and who collect things based solely on their “cuteness”: my sister.

Also, I needed someone who had an underlying knowledge of what it was like to be scary, what it was like to be hated by millions for the ugly scariness that was their face. Someone who had been raised to the rank of hero on Planet Ugly and was defender of the “Early in the Morning with No Makeup” Fleet: my sister, Jennifer.

My arm hurts.

So we sat down and looked over a series of Google searches to find that elusive Third Piece to the puzzle. To assist us we developed a system to score what we found.

Scariness: This is how scary the subject is. Obvious scary things are: Aliens, Ghosts, Dentists and Republicans. This is rated on a scale of 1 to 238,856 depending on how many miles away from it you would have to be in order for you to feel safe. 238,856 is the distance to the moon, which is where you’d have to be to get away from the Republicans mentioned above. Considering that Bush Jr. is the only Republican that even shows interest in going to the moon, and he’s a guy who was given money to find oil in Texas… and couldn’t, I figure that the moon is the safest place to be.

Cuteness: How cute something is. My sister did all of these because I kept getting them confused with the scariness scale. Obvious cute things (as stated by Jennifer) are: Kittens, Clowns, My Little Ponies, and babies. (for those of you out there like me please substitute the preceding with: Stripper, Bikini Model, Baywatch, and Bikini Model Stripper on Baywatch respectively). The subject is given a rating of 1 to 10 depending on how many power puff girls it would take to equal its cuteness.

va SoH: This is my rating scale to give a tilt to the final outcome. It’s Klingon for “Ahh crap, it’s you”… I think. And since I have no idea how Klingon counting works, and according to my sources I don’t care, I used a scale of 1 to 20 based on how many Klingons with Bat’leths it would take to destroy an evil version of the subject.