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Final Fantasy 7 – The Spin-offs

Part III: The Article Formerly Known as “The Spinoffs”

Final Fantasy 7 : SARS Crisis

After failing miserably at attempting to scare the public into a frenzy with Bird Flu, Fox television will re-release FF7 as an “epidemic control” game. At the beginning of the game all characters will start with some disease such as SARS, Ear Lobe Cancer, or Terminal Tennis Elbow. As the story progresses, each character will have to seek out members of the legendary CDC and obtain cures for their respective diseases. The big twist will come at the end when each character learns from nurse Sephiroth that their diseases never even existed to begin with.

Final Fantasy 7 : Texas Chili

Brought to the market as yet ANOTHER service pack for FF7:EC, TC removes the original Exclamation mark bug, but as a side effect introduces a new error that turns all the weapons in the game to Happy Meal toys. Microsoft will at first deny that there is a Happy Meal bug, but after six months of complaints will quietly release another patch to fix it. As well as fixing the code for the original EC, TC will introduce a new chili cook-off mini game. In the Texas Chili cook-off players will have to collect herbs and chemicals from around the world and infuse them into a chili recipe. If the player wins the contest they will be rewarded with a Chili materia, that while not lethal will force the enemy run to the nearest bathroom.

Final Fantasy 7 : Underwear Capers

Going back before FF7:BC, Underwear Capers will introduce Cloud, Barrett, and Cid as mischievous college pranksters. Playing as one of these characters, the player must (a la Sam Fisher) sneak into the girls dorm and steal as many pairs of panties as possible without being caught. Then the panties must be duct-taped together and run up the campus flagpole. Beware of Headmaster Sephiroth. If he catches you you’ll be suspended and you’ll have to spend your days writing articles for a union on Gamespot.

Brought to you by aerisISalive and their android strike force.

Final Fantasy 7 : Viet Cong
 
Square, after realizing that unless they start going into triple letters they’ll have to stop making the spin-offs soon, will determine that there is one area that they haven’t cashed in on: War Games. Using the engine from the Medal of Honor series, SquareEnix will release Vietnam version of FF7. Pitting you as Sergeant Barrett’s squad against an army of Charlies you will have to use your guns, guns, some more guns, and maybe a rocket or two to survive.

Protip: Be careful with grenades, a mistake can make you very unpopular with what’s left of your squad.

Final Fantasy 7 : Wile E Coyote

Taking a tip from other cell-shaded games, FF:WC will feature none other than Wile E Coyote as a spiky-haired, sword wielding Cloud. The game will forfeit most of the traditional weapons in favor of the ACME line of defense. Most swords will be replaced with hammers on springs, guns with cannons that shoot marbles, and staves with little guns that say “Bang!” when you pull the trigger. All the weapons will backfire in some way, making the game easiest to beat if you just set everyone to defend and let the enemy blow themselves away.

Final Fantasy 7 : XXXsored CXXe

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Final Fantasy 7 :Yankee Core

In this version of FF7, Sid Meier takes over as project lead, replacing the original Final Fantasy Seven Universe with historical figures from the American Civil War. The main character will be Abraham Lincoln dressed as a Union soldier. Swords will be replaced with musket rifles, and the battle system will be turned based. Your group will consist of a total of five characters including Joseph Hooker and the love interest Mary Todd.

Limit Break List:

Clean Musket – Lincoln cleans his rifle, inserts charge, loads bullet, aims and fires. The entire limit break will last about 35 seconds. Effect: 300 damage to any one creature.

Emancipation – Lincoln delivers a speech lasting about 5 minutes. Effect: All enemies are put to sleep.

Homestead – Lincoln invites the poor into the battle to build houses. Effect: All enemies that are of Native American descent are instantly killed.

Assassinate – Lincoln is killed instantly. Effect: Kills your character, erases your saved games, swears at you and then melts your PS2.

Final Fantasy 7 : Zod’s Crusade

Failing to defeat Superman on at least 125 occasions, Zod will team up with Sephiroth and beat the ever loving tar out of Cloud. While not much for a story, it will be extremely gratifying to those of us who are FUCKING SICK of hearing about Cloud.

 

Bonus Features

Any DVD that’s worth its weight in asparagus has bonus features. So here’s a list of things that would be under the EXTRAS menu if this were indeed a DVD.

- The actual answers to the opening paragraph that read “What does it mean? Are there more planned? Will there be a Hot Coffee mod for any of them?” Are as follows: Nothing, yes, and only for scenes with Tifa in them.
- If DC were not Dirge of Cerberus it would have been F7F: Core Dyslexic – Version Final of this Fantasy will all have words mixed the of it in around.
- Originally the bonus features were just going to be a list of different meatloaf recipes. Aren’t you glad I changed my mind?
- I first played FF7 on the PC. Due to faulty display drivers it wasn’t until two years later that I learned that Barrett was black, not purple.
- The Wile E Coyote one was kind of a stretch wasn’t it? That’s too many letters.
- I would buy a copy of Love Crisis. Hell, I’d be waiting in line on launch day.
- I almost didn’t put in Falafel under Hell’s Chicken. I didn’t think that anyone would know what it was. But there was a copy and paste error and it somehow got back in after I replaced it with “Pancakes”.
- Originally this article was called “That Sinking Feeling”
- Don’t discipline your donkey without a proper license.
- By the end of the bonus features list I had run out of things to say. So I explained that I had nothing else to say and then explained that. Then I added on a few more sentences that had little to do with Final Fantasy just so it would look like it was long and involved. I hope I succeeded.

Final Fantasy 7 – The Spin-offs

Part II: The Spin-offs vs. Predator

Final Fantasy 7 : Kris Crosis

After a disaster of a music video game on the Sega CD, it appeared as though no one would ever buy another Kriss Kross video game. But in 2005, seeing the market value of a remake, but without the finances or the brain power to back it up, Kriss Kross approached SquareEnix to develop a sequel. After tough negotiations consisting mostly of snickering, Square agreed to create the game on the grounds that, and I quote, “As long as it says Final Fantasy on it, someone will buy it.” The code was finished in a weekend and uses pieces from the original Sega CD version as well as the Final Fantasy Seven engine and story. Battles were replaced with a semi-puzzle game where you match completely unrelated video clips to music that you normally wouldn’t be caught dead listening to. The end product of the battles will usually look like six different families tried to record their home movies on the same tape, but were only able to agree that “I missed the bus” was a good idea for the soundtrack.

Final Fantasy 7 : Love Crisis

Finally admitting that the only thing that most Final Fantasy Fans want to see is Aeris and Tifa naked, Square releases a spin-off of Final Fantasy 7 that pits the girls against each other in a variety of games including Mud Wresting, Wet T-Shirt Contests, and so much more. Unlockables will include characters from other games in the Final Fantasy series such as Rinoa, Yuna, and Quistis. The game will sell 3.5 million copies in America, but no one will admit to buying it.

Smuggled through the underground by Oblivion and his secret force of highly-trained ninja rabbits.

Final Fantasy 7 : Marlboro Core

Due to the restrictions placed on cigarette companies in the advertising arena, Marlboro will form a deal with Square Enix to produce a game starring the Marlboro Man. The Marlboro Man character will be a “Wild West” gunslinger and will fight alongside Sephiroth to spread a “thick rich taste” across the land. Joe Camel will a make an appearance as a mount replacing the Chocobos. Also, Materia will be substituted in favor of a new power up system which will include different types of cigarettes ranging from the “Light No-Tar” up to “Silky Smooth Red Box”. The game will retail for 49.99, but after taxes will cost around 80.
 
Final Fantasy 7 : Newbie Core

After most of their fans were incarcerated for owning FF7: FC, Square will attempt to broaden their fan base by making a Final Fantasy 7 spin-off that is so easy that Grandma could play it. FF:NC will come with a 1-800 number and a free cell phone on the outside of the box in the event that the user cannot open the case. Once the game is opened, a small robot will come out to put the game into the system, set up the system if necessary, insert memory cards, and plug in the controller. The game will then play the intro, and begin playing by itself. In-game, all attacks will be replaced with Omnislash and Knights of the Round, and all health will default to 9999. Once the game is completed the included robot will go to EB, trade in the game and Western Union the money to you.

Smuggled through the underground by Oblivion and his now not-so-secret force of highly-trained ninja rabbits.

Final Fantasy 7 : Other Characters

Seeing the success of the other spin-offs of Final Fantasy 7, Square will release a set of alternate versions of the game that will feature unused characters. Most notably, the original character playing Cloud was called Clod and wielded a gun that fired rounds of Vienna sausages. Cait Sith replaced Cowman at the last second due to their inability to figure out what limit breaks a cow was supposed to have. Anyone who hasn’t been missing their meds will see that either choice was doomed. In the original scripts, Barrett was played by Mr. T, but was removed when Square refused to put 50 pounds of gold chains on the character. Vincent was originally a full blown clown, but today only the shoes remain from those original designs.
 
Final Fantasy 7 : Politically Correct

With impending lawsuits by various organizations that wish to make the English language as complicated as possible, SquareEnix will release a revised version of Final Fantasy 7 that replaces key words that might be considered racist, ageist, sexist, etc with euphemisms. A sample list of replaced words is as follows:

Room: Living quarters
Black: African American
A**hole: Mad Person
Whip: Discipline
A**: Donkey

Unfortunately, due to translation issues between the Japanese and English versions of the game the dialogue will render it completely unplayable. Here is an example of a conversation from a scene where Tifa is trying to get Cloud to paint a room:

Original Version: “Tell that a**hole that if he doesn’t paint that room black by the time I get back I’ll whip his a**!”
Politically Correct Version: “Say to that mad person that if he doesn’t paint those living quarters with the African American, I’ll discipline his donkey.”

Final Fantasy 7 : Quarter Cost

Following the events of Advent Children, Cloud is forced to find a real job. Since “guy to swing sword around” is not a job trait that is useful in today’s job market Cloud takes out a low-interest small business loan and opens a used motorcycle lot. Using a good/evil system similar to Knights of the Old Republic, Cloud must build his used vehicle empire while trying not to screw his customers out of too much money. Become good buy selling only solid bikes at reasonable prices. Become evil by selling lemons at exorbitant prices. Do YOU have what it takes to help Cloud become salesperson of the month?
 
Final Fantasy 7 : Rectal Conquest

You start off in a prison, where you… never mind. Its about fluffy bunnies and their search for Happyfun Mountain.

The Curse of MMOs

Final Fantasy XI

I would like to start off by stating that if you are considering purchasing FFXI (Final Fantasy 11) I would advise that you take your keyboard, and beat yourself senseless with it. Not only will it be less painful, and far less time consuming, you’ll have an excuse to spend $50 on something that you will actually have fun using. Frequently your activities in FFXI will degrade to spending hours making numbers pop out of creatures until you level. For the uninitiated, leveling is where you gain abilities and increase stats. The higher the level, the better the character. Do not confuse level with maturity, they usually have little to do with each other.

Trying Very Hard to Get This Party Started

In order to do ANYTHING in FFXI you have to be in a party. Which means that you’ll get a group that will consist of a warrior type character who doesn’t know the meaning of the word “wait”, a twelve year old male playing a female character, a thief who will steal all of the good equipment (aka a “ninja looter”), a 65 year-old who plays like they’ve never seen a keyboard in their life, a total dick (required), and you. If you notice the dick missing from your party, that means that you’re probably it.

Also it is required that at least one person be on dial-up in any given party. This allows the party to catch a rest every 30-45 minutes while they wait for the player to come back.

A Job That You Aren’t Paid For and The Love You Get

Grinding is where you run around and kill things for experience (which is required to level). The experience is similar to building a tower out of playing cards, except the typical response to the results of grinding are “You Loser” rather than “Cool Card Tower”. FFXI does everything but force you to Grind. Be Cool. Don’t do Grinding, kids.

When you aren’t wasting your time trying to get that last bit for your next level, you’re usually attempting to socialize. Whenever you ask any question, no matter what the subject, you will get at least one, sometimes up to 10, people who will decide that its their duty to keep new players away. Usually, roaming in packs of three, because they have a third of brain each, they’ll attack you for anything ranging from “What level do I have to be to get X job” to “Who here likes kittens?”. Typical responses also range from “DOOd youz stoopid!!11″ to “Uz TEh suk” and sometimes the ever poetic “shut up noob”. Most, if not all responses are far from winning any literary awards.

Playing Something More Fun, Like Solitaire

If you’re still playing after 15 minutes, then you are one of the following: A loser, a loser with nothing else better to do, someone reviewing the game, a masochist, an idiot or an idiot game reviewing masochist loser with nothing else better to do. I recommend that you buy a back up game such as one of the other Final Fantasy games that was actually good (Final Fantasy 10 would be a good choice). If you have a really good imagination you can pretend that you’re playing an online version of FFX. The only tip off would be that the players would be helpful and speak in complete sentences.

But really, FFXI has nothing to do with the other games in the series, does it? It seems to me that if you’re going to make a sequel, the game should be SOMETHING like its predecessors.  Imagine that they came out with a Die Hard 4, but they made it a romantic comedy. Now pretend that they charged you $50 to watch it and the entire time you’re in the theatre, people all around you are telling you how much you suck. That’s a pretty good idea of how it feels to play FFXI.

Lastly, I’m obligated to mention the job system. Jobs are like classes. They define what kinds of abilities that your character will have, like swordsmanship, dancing, and the highly coveted super happy fun fun teriyaki eating ability. Some of the jobs you can become include: Monk, Paladin, and Ninja. That’s right, Ninja. I hate to break this to the developers, but Ninja isn’t a job. Pizza Delivery Boy is a job. Breast massager for Lacey Chabert is a job (no, that’s a dream come true, but I think that you get the point). Just think, if you work hard in ninja high-school, graduate from a good ninja college, and get a good ninja internship, you too can be considered fucking insane for thinking that Ninja is a job.

Scorecard:

AC: 60-110% FFXI is probably the most unfriendly community I’ve had the displeasure of playing in. I figure that most people that are assholes on the game are actually enough of an asshole to count for a few more people. So the ratio of actual assholes to perceived assholes is probably around 60%, while it feels damn near 110%.

LLA: 30% once you filter out the 20 or 30 people that type like they learned English from a shorted out Speak-N-Spell, you’re left with people who probably speak English pretty well, but can’t be bothered to type out all 4 letters in a word. If you’re (notice its not ‘ur’) to lazy to type out all the letters in a word, don’t bother. No matter what you say, you sound like a goddamn idiot.

LSR: “Public Masturbator” Grinding and Public Masturbating are very similar in that they both waste time, are frowned upon by most of society, and nobody really wants to watch you do it.

My Character: I played a monk, which is about as exciting as it sounds.

Conclusion
If you lie awake at night wishing that someone out there was making you arrange their toenail clippings in order of size while shouting obscenities at you, then this is the game for you. Otherwise, simulate the game by multiplying 2x2x2x2… for 2 hours a day 30 days consecutively and burn $50 in the fireplace (or flush it down the toilet). Trust me, given a choice, anyone would rather listen to a string of Pythagorean numbers than hear your FFXI story. No really, we don’t care. Shut Up Noob.