cjdaweasel.com

Crazy For Cows

Part II : Poo Launching Cows

In case cow stories aren’t your thing, there are several other cow related things to do on the site. You can also play games! Most are quizzes related to parts of cow’s bodies that you’re probably better off not thinking about. I took a quiz and got 2 out of 10. One question I got right just because I guessed well. The other was the question about shit, which I consider myself an expert on.

My favorite game has to be the “Pie Game”, where the object of the game is to shoot falling steaks by launching poop from the anus of a cow. In case you didn’t catch that, I’m going to repeat it: The object of the game is to shoot steaks out of the sky by shitting on them with a cow. As of this point, the site lost what little dignity it had left. The good news is that if you have problems playing the fantastically fun Cow Pie game, fear not. There’s a place where you can email “if you have a problem playing CowPie”, which last year was given the “Least Used Link On the Internet” Award.

Fun Cow Fact:
Per day, a cow spends 6 hours eating and 8 hours chewing cud.

As if cow stories and cow games that involve poo, weren’t enough there’s more! For that cow lover in your life, there’s “something for everyone”. I don’t personally know any cow lovers, but I do know a few idiots, so I figured that gifts recommended from this site were a good bet. I bought my retarded cousin a cow with palm trees growing out of its back. I was sure that this Chernobyl-esque deformed cow would be considered cute by anyone with a single digit IQ, so I bought it. Chucky (my cousin), slobbered on it, laughed, and then promptly smashed it. It was too stupid even for him.

The problem with cows is that they’ll never be cool. Take movies for example. The coolest thing that cows get to do in movies is be mutilated by aliens. This stems from their only real products being: Leather, Food, and Farts. It’s hard to admire that. Horses, on the other hand, which are closely related to cows (and by closely related I mean they look the same), but don’t suffer from an image problem. John Wayne’s popularity would have been drastically different if he would have come riding into town on a cow. In fact, aside from mutilation, I can’t think of one thing that cows do that is cool. They chew cud, fart, die and we eat them. That’s it. No website needed.

Crazy For Cows

Part I : Why Cows Probably Hate Us

There are sites everywhere on the internet that are dedicated to different things. Star Trek, Video Games, Cars, etc. Cows, however, should not fall into this list. In fact, www.crazyforcows.com delivers everything you never wanted to know about cows, and more.

Usually, when a website opens up with “Moo!”, your expectations of a site should drop to zero. If they don’t, tell the dwarf men from Happyfun Mountain I said “Hi.”. Those of you not running off to deliver my message, please read on.

I discovered crazyforcows.com on one of my many searches for naked midgets in clown costumes. Why? Do you ask? I don’t know. Midgets and clowns have nothing to do with cows, so I don’t know how the site related to my search. Search engine technology is designed by light beings from NASA and is decades beyond our pathetic human minds to comprehend. The beings must truly have wanted me to see this site, bending the laws of the universe to show me to it.

Instantly, upon viewing the site, you can see why it is so incredibly important. There are many, many things to learn about cows, and most of them are really gross.

Fun Cow Fact:
A 1,000 pound cow produces an average of 10 tons of manure a year.

Also on the site is listed several stories that readers have submitted about cows. I don’t want to know what kind of sad lonely life that you have to lead in order to think that a cow related incident is good enough to write about, submit to a site, and then have it read and pondered over by other “cow fanatics”, but I’ll tell you this, we have a phrase for people like that: Serial Killer.

A friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend, and of course, came whining to me about it. I tried to give him the two ole speeches: “You’ll find another” and FUCK that BITCH (what can I say I’m a romantic at heart).

Failing this I realized that there wasn’t any reason to believe that:

A) There was another girl out there for him or

B) That he would find another better for him.

So I did a little bit of research on a few common “errors” that most people in relationships make and tried to settle the score:

First of all, the most common phrase in relationships, or rather movies about relationships is “You’re one in a million”. This I find to be a grossly insulting insinuation.  There are currently 6.5 billion people on earth, which means that even if you are 1 in a million, there are give or take 6,500 people just like you. That’s a little over 500 soccer teams. While that last sentence proved nothing, it gave me an excuse to use my expensive graphing calculator.

Let’s pretend that you can’t follow a logical pattern and/or you can’t do math, so you don’t believe me. Since she broke up with you, there’s a 1 in 1 million chance (better than your chance of winning the lottery) that she’s going to end up stuck with someone just like you anyway. Serves her right.

Another wonderfully worthless saying is that “You’ll never find another girl like her”. First of all, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU WANT TO? Do you want to be dumped AGAIN? But let’s assume that you’re a dumba** and you want to get back with someone just like her.

Let’s say again that there are 6.5 billion people in the world. According to our census data, 56-60% of the world is female. Yes, most of the world is female, straight men and lesbians rejoice.

Now, since I’m lazy and need to come up with an excuse to use a nice round number, let’s assume the best possible scenario – 60% of the world is straight women. That means that there is about 3 billion women (3.9 rounded down) in the world. According to the Human Genome Project there are about 20-25,000 protein-coding genes arranged in combinations of G,A,T,and C. This works up to something almost like 8 trillion different combinations. Basically: It ain’t happenin. Get over it.
But the good news is that there are about 3 billion women in the world. But, let’s assume (yes, yet again) that you’ve met “The One”. Not Neo.

Just to make my point I’m going to over-compensate the numbers. I’m going to assume that the ladies love you, and you get around. So I’m going to say that you’ve met everyone in the USA. That’s a tad over 300 million people, 60% of which are female, which works out to 180 million women that you’ve met. You dog you. Now of that group, let’s say that you’ve dated 50% of them. Personally I’ve never known anyone who’s dated 50% of the women that they’ve met, but let’s just assume that you’re the stud that I think you are.

That means that you’ve dated 90 million women (at 5 dollars a pop that’s about 450 million in flowers alone). Why the interest in this number? Well, if you’ve dated 90 million women, AND there are 3 billion women in the world that means that you’ve met 6% of the women the world has to offer and only dated 3%. No search in any field of study would be considered complete if you’ve neglected 97% of the applicable sources. Which means that  because you’ve seen the shoes of more people than you’ve dated, you have a better chance of knowing who has the coolest shoes in world than if the person you are with really is “The One”.

What does all this prove other than I can use TI-83+? It proves that chasing the Hollywood dreams of the perfect romance is not only statistically improbable, and scientifically impossible, its fucking stupid. Get over her and get the new Virtua Fighter game. At least you can win at that.

Seriously James, get the f*** over her.

-Your friend, CJ

Sources:

(1) ibiblio.org/lunarbin/worldpop
(2) webmath.com/cgi-bin/lottery.html
(3) ornl.gove/sci/techresources/Human_Genome/faq/genenumber.shtml
(4) howmanyofme.com

The Search for the Funny

Part IV.II : The Showdown of the Cute and Scary Finalists

Finally we had our two finalists:

Jesus Monkguins

Score: 136,004

Pros: Cute, Easy to Laugh at, possibly deadly

Cons: Christians with their humor glands removed wouldn’t find it funny, Poorly drawn, kinda dumb… correction: really dumb. correction: unbelievably dumb. ["Downright Retarded" -Ed.]

Laugh Factor: Absurdity is great, religious absurdity is better. When people take themselves so seriously, and then produce something like this its a bit like a 50ft tall monster that eats people knitting sweaters. Only with Jesus, and a bad drawing, which makes it better.

Handyman Baby Polar Bear (possibly a ferret):

Score: 951

Pros: As Jennifer put it: cute. Possibly evil, and did a fantastic job installing that hot tub upstairs.

Cons: Not near as scary as the Monkguin, but far fuzzier. In a duel the Jesus Monkguin would win, based solely on the fact that it would be difficult to kill something that doesn’t exist.

Laugh Factor: I thought I’d laugh until I cried when I saw him get the baseboards 1/4′ off, or the time that he accidentally bought porcelain polish for that steel frame. Ahhh… good times, but really not that funny.

WINNER: Jesus Monkguins

I just don’t have enough to say about this picture. It has the three easiest to ridicule into one package: Religion, Monkeys, and Hybrid Animals. Okay, maybe two of the easiest things to ridicule. Besides, anything that can make god cry is worth a second mention.

Funniest Person: Mr. T
Funniest Stereotype: Midgets (Super Munchkin Man)
Funniest Cute/Scary thing: Jesus Monkguins

Final Movie Title: Mr. T and Super Munchkin Man Versus The Monkeys of D.O.O.M. (this film as not yet been rated)

Now, to start my movie.

The Search for the Funny

Part IV.I : The Showdown of the Cute and Scary (Section 2)

Google Search 3: Pandas

This is quite obviously a picture of a baby Polar Bear trying to restore the oak flooring in a two story house near downtown San Francisco.

Scariness: 945

It’s not especially scary, being a baby bear. I do remember the story of Goldy.. hawn… and the three umm… panda bears. In which three bears were lifeguards… or something… and Goldie Hawn played the part of a soldier named Ryan, or Benjamin, or something. Anyway, the point is that you don’t fuck with bears.

Cuteness: 4

Jennifer decided that killer ferret instincts aside (she insists that it’s some kind of weasel), it looks really cute. At this point our disagreement over whether it was a bear or a ferret caused us to break out in a plastic sword fight. I won the duel because I broke the most stuff. I still say its a Polar Bear.

va SoH: 2

It seems logical that it would take at least two Klingon soldiers to kill a handy-man polar bear. One to lure him with an offer of free vinyl siding and the other to attack him from behind. I feel that one Klingon could not both sneak up behind him and give a good presentation of our fabulous products offered at reasonable rates.

Final Score: 951

Google Search 4: String Monsters

Do not be fooled by this picture. What you are seeing is one of the fearsome Kat Warriors of Alkamas locked in combat with the String Warriors from the Fourth Dimension. This battle was a bloody one with the Kat Warrior winning by only a narrow margin.

Scariness: 34
Prior to the battle, the bet was on the String Monster, being that it could transform itself into any form, and its “Cat’s Cradle”, was feared throughout the galaxy. The Kat Warrior had won by the end of the halluci… I mean battle, and posed no threat to anyone stronger than a sick toddler. Anything 34 miles away or more would have no trouble escaping.

Cuteness: 10
My sister is adamant that this is the cutest picture of the bunch. She almost went rogue and gave it an 11. Luckily I got to it first. Several swordfights, and a lot of broken Precious Moments figurines later, it was declared that a 10 was high enough.

Va SoH: .5

A paraplegic Klingon could beat this cat to death armed with a rubber pacifier and an empty DVD case. The only foreseeable problem is if the cat ran away, in which case the Klingon would need to roll to catch it. Hopefully it will run downstairs.

Final Score: 44.5

The Search for the Funny

Part IV.I : The Showdown of the Cute and Scary (Section 1)

Google Search 1: Children

At first I thought this was one of those rare shots of Bigfoot after a bad haircut, but it turned out to be, as Jennifer said “a mad little girl”. I’m going to take her word for it.

Scariness: 1

Midgets are funny, children are not. They destroy your life from the inside out and put peanut butter and jelly in the VCR. Though since this rating is based on “scariness” and not “annoying-ness”, the child… thing is only scary from one mile away or closer.

Cuteness: 2

Jennifer said that this is kind of cute, but not really cute. Yes that’s all she said. Her input is invaluable.

va SoH: 1

A blind Klingon Heroin addict could kill this thing with a stiff gym sock.

Final Score: 4

.

Google Search 2: Jesus Monkguins

I honestly thought this was a monkey. The idea that a monkey was thinking that Jesus was cool seemed kind of weird, so when my sister pointed out that it was a penguin, it all came together: Christians don’t make any damn sense.

Scariness: 135,983

I wouldn’t want to fight Jesus, much less Jesus with a super penguin/monkey hybrid sidekick. I figure that going up against Jesus with that kind of arsenal would be certain death.

Cuteness: 1

Jennifer said that the penguin was sort of cute, but being a Christian herself, said that even she didn’t need a monkeypenguin to remind her of the cool factor of Jesus. She gave the picture a perfect 10 for Retardation. And then she said something about Jesus crying over something. I wasn’t paying attention to her, hearing only the sweet sounds of the Baywatch opening theme coming from the living room.

va SoH: 20

It would take at least 20 Klingons to kill a ninja monkguin (monkey + penguin) trained by Jesus in the dark arts of walking on water. Besides, Jesus could turn all the water in their bodies to wine, getting them severely drunk, thus making the job of the Jesus monkguin fairly easy.

Final Score: 136,004

The Search for the Funny

Part IV : The Cute, The Scary, The Really Scary

The last part of my quest for the “Funniest Thing Ever” was to find something that was both cute and scary, like My Little Ponies.

In order to find something cute I was going to need an expert in the field of disgusting cuteness. Someone who had a complete disregard for how useful an item was, and who collect things based solely on their “cuteness”: my sister.

Also, I needed someone who had an underlying knowledge of what it was like to be scary, what it was like to be hated by millions for the ugly scariness that was their face. Someone who had been raised to the rank of hero on Planet Ugly and was defender of the “Early in the Morning with No Makeup” Fleet: my sister, Jennifer.

My arm hurts.

So we sat down and looked over a series of Google searches to find that elusive Third Piece to the puzzle. To assist us we developed a system to score what we found.

Scariness: This is how scary the subject is. Obvious scary things are: Aliens, Ghosts, Dentists and Republicans. This is rated on a scale of 1 to 238,856 depending on how many miles away from it you would have to be in order for you to feel safe. 238,856 is the distance to the moon, which is where you’d have to be to get away from the Republicans mentioned above. Considering that Bush Jr. is the only Republican that even shows interest in going to the moon, and he’s a guy who was given money to find oil in Texas… and couldn’t, I figure that the moon is the safest place to be.

Cuteness: How cute something is. My sister did all of these because I kept getting them confused with the scariness scale. Obvious cute things (as stated by Jennifer) are: Kittens, Clowns, My Little Ponies, and babies. (for those of you out there like me please substitute the preceding with: Stripper, Bikini Model, Baywatch, and Bikini Model Stripper on Baywatch respectively). The subject is given a rating of 1 to 10 depending on how many power puff girls it would take to equal its cuteness.

va SoH: This is my rating scale to give a tilt to the final outcome. It’s Klingon for “Ahh crap, it’s you”… I think. And since I have no idea how Klingon counting works, and according to my sources I don’t care, I used a scale of 1 to 20 based on how many Klingons with Bat’leths it would take to destroy an evil version of the subject.

The Search for the Funny

Part III : Awesome Stereotypes

So with the first part of my search complete, I moved on to the next, and probably my favorite part; the stereotype. I decided to call the KKK and get a few pointers on exactly how to point out flaws of one person and then attribute them to a whole race of people, and thankfully, they turned out to be a great help. The local chapter I called turned out to be a goldmine of rednecks with a great sense of racism. So I jotted down a few of the groups (along with a few I gathered from other sources such as Jerry Falwell, my grandpa, and a Huck Finn book)

The Huck Finn book was the least helpful considering I couldn’t read it. So to simulate the experience, in a language I’m almost fluent in: English, I tore up my Sega Genesis Instruction manual and threw the pieces in a box. Then I pulled the pieces from the box one by one and put them together. I got “[power butt] [on you]” and “[con] [your hand]“. While neither is very stereotypical, I’m sure that if I put them in a book some Christian group somewhere would protest me.

Without the ability to turn on my genesis, and having no other source of entertainment I turned to Google, my savior, and hoped that its infinite wisdom would guide me to my goal.

The first thing I found looked to be a Tupperware party. I’m not sure what all the bed sheets are about, but that might explain why they kept those burning marshmallows at the end of that long ass pole. Safety first.

The next thing I stumbled upon was a child version of the Blob. While not a stereotype, unless you count toddlers in cute pajamas, which is really scarier than it is funny, it is a picture I’m sure I won’t use somewhere else in my life, so here it is.

Then I found him. The funniest, stereotypical loon I could get my hands on. Let me warn you. When I first looked at this picture I laughed for almost 20 minutes, and was only saved from what would have been certain death by my screensaver, which just gave me the depressing flying Windows. It reminded me that yes, my ass was owned by Microsoft.

Being careful to shield my eyes, I uploaded the picture to this page, which may in fact be a picture of a can of baked beans, since I had covered my monitor with a towel for safety purposes. Meet your comedy doom. Its SUPER MUNCHKIN MAN.

So to recap we have determined that the funniest person is Mr. T, and the funniest stereotype is midgets, and most of all Super Munchkin Man. God was that funny.

The Search for the Funny

Part II : Finding an Unfunny Funny Person

The first step in finding the “funniest thing ever” I need to have someone that was funny. Not funny as in a comedian, but was just plain laughable. I had to choose someone out of date, someone who wasn’t relevant any more. Like Al Gore.

I figured that the 80s was such an embarrassment in general that pretty much anyone famous from this era was a solid choice. Aside from being the beginning of TMNT and Ghostbusters, this decade couldn’t be relied on for anything good. For visual purposes, below is a map of recent decades, and what they gave to the world instead of wasting time on curing cancer:

60s – Hippies, drugs, sex.

70s – Old Hippies, new drugs, often confused with the 70s

80s – High-water, big hair. Yeah, I’m sorry too.

90s – Ninja Turtles in their prime. Nike Pumps.

My first choice was that lady who did the thigh master infomercials in the 80s. But since I didn’t have a name, and “lady who did those thigh master commercials” was long, and just a bit cumbersome I figured I needed something a little shorter.

My next choice was Clara Peller, who was the “Where’s the Beef?” woman. But since no one knows her, or really has any clue where the beef actually went to, I was going to need someone else.

I finally hit the jackpot. I found someone who was generally laughable, and was actually looked up to in his prime. Some one who was so wild that when we look back on him we all say something to the effect of “What the heck?”, and in 20 years we’ll all be ashamed that we had anything to do with him. Mr. T was my man.

The Search for the Funny

Part I : Introduction

In my varying debacles with different forms of comedy, most incredibly irreverent, I’ve found that certain things are inherently funny. For example, cream pies, are used in many comedic sketches where they are thrown at, sat in, eaten sloppily, etc.

This leads me to a theory that somewhere, out there, is the funniest thing ever created. But since it cannot be one thing, being that one thing would have been discovered already, it had to be a collection or combination of things. Originally I tried varying combinations of things such as “Ice Cream Cow Lickers” and “Humpty Back Chickens” but to no avail. I figure that if I’m to get to the funniest thing ever, I’m going to have to have a system.

After much research involving a bag of Doritos and blender, I discovered that I would in fact need three ingredients:

1. A person that was relatively well known, and funny. But they couldn’t be funny of their own making, they just had to be laughable. Like Jerry Falwell.

2. I needed a stereotype. One that was true, easily recognizable, and possibly cute. It also had to be incredibly offensive.

3. Something that was cute, like Furby, or some kind of animal. It had to have the ability to be disgustingly cuddly, and yet have the ability to scare you.

4. I had to have some way of tying them together, so I decided that if I could make a movie based on the funniest thing ever, what would it be?

With these guidelines, I started off on my journey. In the next couple of days, possibly weeks, or months if need be, I will attempt to uncover the funniest thing ever and turn it into a movie. I will not stop until my quest is complete, or I get bored, either way, I’m sure I’ll ruin a blender or two in the process.