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The End of the World

Introduction

As everyone knows now, the world is coming to an end soon. If we take a look at the world, it is sure that the end is upon us, the signs showing everywhere in the form of  famine, poverty, reality TV, and the re-emergence of bell-bottoms in fashion. All of these  clearly point out that Evil is in control, and that we are all going to die a horribly fiery death, with the rise of the Antichrist, and some guys on horses. But the question remains, how will this terrible end come about?

This question has plagued me for minutes, so in order to solve the problem I pooled my vast resources, consisting of Google, my Master’s Degree in Idioticy, and the instruction manual for my blender. Using these invaluable tools I crafted a series of past and future possibilities for Armageddon, examined sources related to the topic, and created a survival plan in the event that we were struck by this calamity. Then, due to an unfortunate accident involving a two liter of Lotsa Root beer and a midget stripper in a bumblebee costume, the entire essay was lost. So I swung into action and created another essay using last minute phone research, which usually degraded to me asking them if they had Prince Albert in a Can.

Nevertheless I persisted, and in the next series of articles that examine all of these facets, and I will cover many different areas including past End of the World prophecies, a scientific view of the issue, as well as how Jesus wants it done.

I would like to take a moment first to thank Mr. Winston, who was so senile, I had to explain to him who Prince Albert was, and what he would be doing in a can in the first place.

Disclaimer: The following contains words like “Sh*t”, “F*ck” and “Boobies”. If any of these words offend you, please do not read the previous sentence or the following articles. Also, feel free to shoot yourself for being such an unbelievable pansy. Thank you.

Introduction to Madness
Everyone makes mistakes. Like the Hindenburg, Vietnam, or that time that I was so drunk that I sh*t in my girlfriends sink because I thought it was a giant toilet. Since companies are just big groups of people all trying to screw each other, it seems natural that these corporations make mistakes too. Big mistakes. Costly Mistakes. Qwest DSL, When Strangers Call, and Atari Jaguar are all great examples of millions of dollars spent on confusing people, ripping them off, and then ripping them off again, this time for tech support.

So it usually makes people smile when they see some piece of software that a multimillion dollar company has developed and not only was it truly magical-fairy unicorn sh*t, but that hardly a person bothered to buy it as well. It warms the soul like Christina Aguilera being tossed out of an airplane and landing onto Justin Timberlake right after he announced that he’s gay There’s just no match for internal peace like that; It’s almost a religion.

Lets make no mistake. Truly bad games are not “accidents”. You do not “accidentally” spend millions of dollars and months, if not years, developing a game just have it show up in the bargain bin after a week. There’s no excuse for that. Especially since there’s a simple test to determine if you have a bad game.

This test even the poorest developer can try. If you give a game to ten people and nine of them gag on their own vomit after five minutes of play: WARNING. You just may have a game that is suitable to be melted down and turned into pellets so that twelve year-olds can shoot out each other’s eyes. At the very least you should scrap the game and make a version of Tetris instead.

But sadly, most developers and publishers don’t use my test. It seems that developers, scientific name: Developus Gamus can sense crappy games by their smell. Once they recognize the odor of a piss-poor game they’ll summon legions of demons from the bowels of Hell to promote (read: lie about) the game in exchange for their souls. This is called Marketing.

Once the game has been effectively, or ineffectively sold to the public, it is packaged to make it look like it kicks ass, and it is shipped to retail stores. From here, the unwary consumer, not trained in the dark arts of the Marketing department, buys the game, takes it home, and plays it. The rest is too horrific to describe here.
The Plan
So what do we do about this? Do we just stand by while millions of our brethren are lead to the slaughter? No! This is the time for a hero, maybe a martyr. This is the time for a man to come out of the mist, controller in hand, and find out which RPGs are floatation devices and which ones are just mediocre. That man, undoubtedly, is me.

Over the past month I have been doing research and posting in several forums around the internet to find out what are the worst RPGs ever. In sum total, those that voted narrowed the list down to 25 RPGs that were probably made entirely of spit and various forms of fecal matter. And thanks to some certain group of Gamespot Ninjas I was able to play one of these RPGs a day for 25 days. So here are compiled the 10 WORST of the 25 I played, in the hopes that it may help you avoid the pain to which I’ve been exposed.
The Setup
In order to do any of this scientifically, I’m going to need a system. So I’ve created the following manner in which I’ll approach the review, or as it will be referred to from now on, the Pain Information System Overview of Facts and Figures or PISOFF.

PAIN-O-METER: This is the actual pain threshold that I received by playing this game. This will be represented by the number of sleeping pills I had to take in order to make the dreams go away.

BEST CHARACTER: The character that I liked best from playing this game. More than likely the one with the biggest boobs.

BEST SPELL/ATTACK: If you need me to explain this one then you shouldn’t be operating your mouse without adult supervision. Please seek professional assistance to click on the following link: [Return to Disney.com]

FUN FACT: Something that I learned from the game. Probably not the meaning of life.

Don’t use this as a definitive guide to how the reviews will be set up, I’m far too awesome for that. Just accept them how they are and move on.

The Search for the Funny

Part I : Introduction

In my varying debacles with different forms of comedy, most incredibly irreverent, I’ve found that certain things are inherently funny. For example, cream pies, are used in many comedic sketches where they are thrown at, sat in, eaten sloppily, etc.

This leads me to a theory that somewhere, out there, is the funniest thing ever created. But since it cannot be one thing, being that one thing would have been discovered already, it had to be a collection or combination of things. Originally I tried varying combinations of things such as “Ice Cream Cow Lickers” and “Humpty Back Chickens” but to no avail. I figure that if I’m to get to the funniest thing ever, I’m going to have to have a system.

After much research involving a bag of Doritos and blender, I discovered that I would in fact need three ingredients:

1. A person that was relatively well known, and funny. But they couldn’t be funny of their own making, they just had to be laughable. Like Jerry Falwell.

2. I needed a stereotype. One that was true, easily recognizable, and possibly cute. It also had to be incredibly offensive.

3. Something that was cute, like Furby, or some kind of animal. It had to have the ability to be disgustingly cuddly, and yet have the ability to scare you.

4. I had to have some way of tying them together, so I decided that if I could make a movie based on the funniest thing ever, what would it be?

With these guidelines, I started off on my journey. In the next couple of days, possibly weeks, or months if need be, I will attempt to uncover the funniest thing ever and turn it into a movie. I will not stop until my quest is complete, or I get bored, either way, I’m sure I’ll ruin a blender or two in the process.