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The End of the World

Part II : Ending the World with Jesus

As usual, Christianity intends to end the world as well. At Countdown.org they’ve thankfully mapped out the demise of earth and told us exactly how Jesus would want it done. I just hope that they’re wrong and that Jesus would make a better website than this. The end of the world should at the very least include some Flash Animation.

But really, if you’re bringing about the end of civilization as we know it, PR via your website is the least of your concerns. Such things that should concern you are the signs of the apocalypse, like weather forecasting. If you don’t believe that weather forecasting is a sign of the apocalypse, just remember that Matthew said it was. If you are still not convinced just check out that book about a guy who can turn a piece of wood into a snake. A book like that wouldn’t lie.
So, in the interest of simplicity, and for reasons that could be summed up by my inability to craft coherent sentences, I’ve created a system to gauge the signs of the apocalypse to make them easier to understand for non idiots:

Name: This is the name of the sign of the apocalypse be it the Famine, War, or The Fat Boys.

Desc.: If you don’t know what Desc. is an abbreviation for, please go back to playing Neopets.

Believability: This is how believable it is that this is in fact a sign of the Apocalypse. I used a scale of how much money Jerry Falwell could con from an elderly woman using biblical quotes related to this.

Fear Rating: This rating is how scared someone would be of this particular disaster. Rating ranges from [Fluffy Bunny] (with a rating of 1) to [Michael Jackson] (with a rating of 749,274).
War
Desc: When a large group of people get their feelings hurt and decide that the only thing that will make them feel better is to kill people. Countdown.org informs us that “in both World War 1 & 2, total war was waged”. Which goes a long way to explain the highly cryptic name of “World War”

Believability: $113 An elderly woman doesn’t have much more time to live, so dying in a war isn’t going to knock too much off their life.

Fear Rating: 8,736 [Roseanne Barr], War is pretty bad, it can destroy entire houses, starve its inhabitants, and make it impossible to move around. Which is the same effect as having Roseanne Barr over for dinner.
Famine
Desc: This is when a society doesn’t have enough food to feed its people, kind of like when fat Uncle Jim comes to the family reunions.
Believability: $2 We have fast food restraunts throwing away tons of food every day, and considering that most of the things that we eat now don’t even involve growing anything, convincing grandma that we’re going to starve to death is going to be hard to do.
Fear Rating: 4 [Angry Fluffy Bunny], Most of America is full of incredibly fat people. If tomorrow no food was available, it’d take a couple of months before a majority of the population would actually begin to starve.

Plagues
Desc: This is that yellow stuff that gets on your teeth when you don’t brush them, or maybe its when you get sick. Either way it involves bacteria.
Believability: $2,342 You can usually use disease to con money out of people. Whether its cancer, AIDS, or an invisible man who lives in the sky, Christians are deathly afraid of things that they can’t see, which goes a long way to explain its place in a Jesus-induced Armageddon.
Fear Rating: 7384, [Wanda Sykes]. Just like Wanda’s TV show, it will make you sick, you’ll groan a lot, and if you’re around it for long enough, you’ll die.
Traffic
Desc: According to Countdown.org bad traffic will destroy the world. They use a prophet named Nahum (I think they stole this name from a medicated foot powder), who says that the end of the earth will come by way of Automobiles. This is utterly ridiculous. There’s no way only one guy came up with something this retarded all by himself.
Believability: $50,000 If you’ve ever seen the documentary Trucks then you’ll know that its not only a possibility that cars will take over the world, but a reality.
Fear Rating: 37 [Fat Uncle Ted], Big, bulky, full of gas, and would easily be confused with “Trucker Bob”.

The Antichrist:
According to Countdown.org, the antichrist will require that everyone worship him, he will attempt to bring peace to the Middle east, and be homosexual. This means that yes, the purple Teletubbie is the antichrist.

The purple Teletubbie will rise in power, and begin his campaign across Europe. Once he has conquered the whole of Europe, he will turn against the United States and raise George Washington from the dead. Then, the aliens that have been abducting Hill Billies, will come down and attempt to destroy George. When they hit him with their Etoplazm Rays, he will grow to the size of Alaska, and then eat Rhode Island followed by most of the Eastern seaboard. Then Jesus will come down and blah de blah blah blah. The End.

This exciting story will soon be available as a hardback comic (I’ll use a Lucky Charms box) available to whomever comes to my apartment door and asks for one. Limit: One Customer

Surviving Christian Armageddon:
To survive Earth’s demise at the hands of a Purple purse carrying alien, one needs a few simple things to survive.

1. Do not stow any weapons. This is just a waste of space. The Antichrist will have bombers, fighter jets, nukes, and millions of troops. If he wants in, he’s getting in.
2. Do not receive Jesus’s free gift of everlasting life. Last time I got a free gift, a week later I got a bill for 200 dollars and a bunch of sports equipment.
3. Buy as much as you can on your credit card. Once the world comes to an end, no one’s going to come looking for the 200 dollars you borrowed to buy sports equipment.
4. Pay your taxes. Armageddon or no, they’ll still get you.
5. Do not Feed the Celebrities. Most Anorexic celebrities with no survival instincts will die off fairly quickly, but the ones that do survive should not be fed. It’s natural selection, as acting will not be a requirement in a post-apocalyptic world.

The Future of Weapons and Leg Injury

There are a lot of weapons out there. We’ve got revolvers, machine guns, nuclear missles and other weapons for war and sport. This is directly related to the fact that humans have spent century after century learning fantastically interesting ways to kill each other under various circumstances.

Do we want to kill just one guy? If so, a pistol will do. What if there’s more than one guy with him? Then we’ll use a machine gun. What if the whole town tries to fight back? Then we’ll use a missle. What if he runs away? Then we’ll nuke the whole damn country. We’re a versitile race in some respects.

So what happens when we get so many weapons that we start running out of names for them? Tommy Guns, Patriot Missles, and Cop-Killer Bullets are examples of everyday names that have been commandeered by weapons as descriptions for how they work. Well, the cop killer bullets anyway. So far no one named Tommy that I know owns one of these guns, and the Patriot missle has a bad habit of not making very many patriots.

But this is all beside the point. What names will we have to use in the future of weaponry, and how will they work? To resolve this I’ve taken several technical terms (some not), and dropped them into a weapon. Then, based on what said word means, explained how the weapon works, and how we can go about shooting ourselves in the foot in order to get out of military service.

Super Happy Joy Fun Weapon List

Ethernet Gun: You cannot shoot yourself in the foot while anyone else in your neighborhood is simultaneously shooting themselves in the foot.

Token-Ring Gun: You get the shotgun once a day, whether you need it or not. You can only shoot yourself in the foot with this rifle, with one bullet. If you miss, too bad.

ISDN Gun: No one is exactly sure how the rifle works, but shooting yourself in the foot requires $300 worth of equipment, and a $150 /mnth.

Frame-relay Gun: If you have a dedicated rifle, you actually can’t shoot yourself in the foot because you haven’t specified which logical barrel to use.

DSL Gun: Anyone, who has the correct number of fingers can shoot themselves in the foot. But first you must make sure that you have silencers on all the other guns in your house, whether you use them or not.

Cable Gun: You have the most sofisticated gun available, and are garunteed a certain number of bullets every day, but you have to share the gun with the rest of your block.

Mac Gun: You can shoot yourself in the foot in five easy to remember ways, but if the gun locks, then no one will be able to help you.

Windows Gun: The gun takes 10 minutes to load, and then locks constantly.

Linux Gun:
$sudo passwd root
$sudo passwd -l root
#mkdir usrshootfoot

Remote Desktop Gun: You log into your companies gun and shoot yourself from three states away.

Recycling Gun: Exactly like the Trash can Gun, but you feel better about using it.

Tech Support Gun: One of our trained rifles will be with you in a moment.

Schwarzenegger Gun: Terminates your foot. It’ll be back.

Fundamentalist Gun: Shoots your foot and then sends it straight to hell.

MPAA Gun: Shoot as many feet as you want with the gun, just as long as you aren’t naked while doing it.

ESRB Gun: Very much like the MPAA gun, but makes less sense.

RIAA Gun: Did you pay for those bullets?

HMO Gun: It looks like a great gun until you try to use it.

Marlboro Gun: There are no conclusive studies showing that feet have died as a result of gunfire.

Star Wars Gun: The first three bullets fired (which are actually the 4th, 5th and 6th bullets respectively) work great, but any after that jam.

Star Trek Gun: If you invert the tachyon field matrix and the flux diameter you can make a phase-varience web around the stock of the gun, allowing you to fire at your foot more accurately.

Dusty: Shoots himself.
Take that History Channel

I Found Jesus

He was Behind the Couch

I pick up a lot of bad games. In fact, I’m not ashamed to say it, I actively seek them out. I can’t tell if I just love making fun of other people’s failures, or I just hate myself so much that I have the need to remind myself what hell is going to be like when I get there. In one of my latest ventures into crap gaming I picked up The Bible Game from my local Best Buy for the now apparently over-priced sum of $5.

In case you don’t know, The Bible Game is another attempt to make God “fun”. Fun is in quotes since you can’t hear my sarcastic tone when I say it. I am happy to report that The Bible Game is just as successful at it as all the previous incarnations of Bible-based games.

It’s made by Crave Entertainment, the geniuses behind the games Bad Boys: Miami Takedown and the GBA game-version of the movie “Elf”. Crave is truly a game company that strives for excellence. But only if by excellence you mean “Things that are as fun as eating fart-flavored yogurt”.

Because I’m your friend, I’ve narrowed down the morals of the game in this article so you can get the supposedly good spiritual benefits of the game without having to actually play it.

So, in the interests of hating myself more thoroughly, I picked up this gem and took it home to play it. From the menu I selected to play a tournament, and was presented with 6 of the sorriest looking video game characters I’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing. There’s a cowboy, a girl in pink, Steve Jobbs, a kid with a sideways hat (which I guess means he’s the “cool” one), the token black girl, and a Boy Scout. Since I’m not a girl (ruling out all the females), don’t own Apple (ruling out Steve), don’t own any yellow hats (can’t be the cool guy), and am not a fan of playing dress up (ruling out the cowboy), I chose to be the Boy Scout. If worse comes to worse I can always pull out my Boy Scout knife and shank the others. Dead men don’t collect prize money.

Moral: Always be prepared.

I named my Boy Scout A**, because that’s what he looked like, and proceeded into the game where I met the creepily happy Joslin. Joslin Loran (I think) is the announcer, and there really is no way to describe how incredibly sarcastic he sounds-as though his snickers and chuckles were digitally removed-in this game. Seriously, if you had said that this game was making fun of the Bible and used some clips from this Joslin guy, I’d have completely believed you. Joslin gives the impression that he just can’t believe someone is playing this game.

In any case, Joslin started the game off and we got to playing. The first game was called Tower of Babel, in which you try to make polygons in a wall to make it collapse. If I’m correct, in the Bible the Tower of Babel had people on it who were hired by some other people to erect a building to heaven. That pissed God off so he made them all speak different languages and the tower fell, and you get to take part! Who knew the deaths of thousands could be so fun?

I won that game but it didn’t matter, since I lost all my points at the end of the round by way of a random “Wrath of God” involving a plague that occurs about every round and reduces one player’s points for that round to zero. God every once in a while pops up, and without rhyme or reason, kicks the ever-loving crap out of us mere mortals.

Moral: God hates people who go last in game shows.

In round two I fared better, rocking out the quiz games like I was there with questions like “Who gave Moses his name?” (The answer is the pharaoh’s daughter, come on, I’m an atheist and I knew that), and in the Noah’s Ark game. In Noah’s Ark, the point of the game is to match pairs of like creatures together such as two monkeys, two bears, and so on. Luckily the game excluded the some 4000 species of beetles that exist on the earth that Noah had to deal with in the real flood.

But it was all for naught, since I was wiped out AGAIN at the end of this round by the “Wrath of God”. This time God pummeled me with mini Jell-O shots that dropped my points back down to zero. In theory, at least, you can get some of those points back by having an opponent land on a “Do Unto Others” square which randomly chooses an amount of points to receive from the other player. They don’t have a choice if or even how much they give to you. That’s not charity, its force. If someone puts a gun to your head and demands your wallet, you haven’t just donated to the poor. You’ve been robbed.

Moral: If you do something that looks like a good deed, even if it’s by force, that still counts.

When I received some money from the other player my Boy Scout did a little dance where he waved his hands around like he was on valium and swatting flies. But once again, you guessed it, I got Wrath of God and lost all my points. God, who I guess is sponsored by FOX, since he’s just a cloud with a bunch of searchlights, came down and threw a bunch of crickets at me. This brought me to the final game with no points and only one last chance to redeem myself.

The last game is the Tree of Life where you get to pull fruit off a tree (even fruit that doesn’t grow on trees like grapes and bananas) for points. However, if you pull the snake down, you lose all your points. Well, I’m not going to keep you in suspense: I pulled the snake down first. A one in eight chance and I lose right off the bat. I finished the game with a grand total of no points. I think God was punishing me for naming my character A**. God hates Donkeys.

I ended up playing the game a couple more times, just so I could try out all the ludicrously stupid mini-games. For the remaining games I used the girl in pink and named her “SL**” since “PARIS HILTON” wouldn’t fit in the box.

Moral: The game was five dollars for a reason.

These are basically the same ones that are under the deMotivational link above, but I put some kick-ass music to it. And quite frankly it’s easy to drag, drop and add a few public domain(ish) songs. You’re Welcome.