cjdaweasel.com

Dear Team Sonic,

What the fuck are you doing? I’ve been a devout fan of Sonic the Hedgehog since the Genesis. I love Sonic, and I like Tails, and I will usually crush Dr. Eggman (Eggman, Egghead, Robotnik… whatever) if given the time. But I feel that the Sonic series has taken a decided turn for the crappy, and someone needs to say something. Through research, time and frustratingly boring gameplay I think I’ve narrowed down my three major complaints with the new games:

1) Please stop adding characters to my Sonic games.

Really and honestly Sega I give less than a sh!t about Peach and that stupid alligator. I don’t want to beat the game with 52,000 different characters that are just clones of the three main characters: Sonic, Tails and Knuckles. I never asked for that, and from my reasearch (see above) neither did anyone else. Please remove all of them, except for Shadow. He can stay.

2) Please stop making levels so flippin slow.

I play sonic so I can fly through a level a top-notch speed. Unless I missed a meeting, which is entirely possible, that’s what Sonic is about. I will take the time to admit that you have been pretty good about this, but there should never EVER be a time where I have to stop Sonic and line up a shot before I jump. If I wanted to play something slow and easy I’d play Mario.

3) Please stop making Final Fantasy 7 : Sonic Edition.

All of the sudden Sonic can gain levels and pull off limit breaks. Let’s stop pretending. He’s already got the spikey hair, why not just give him a sword and be done with it. I’m up to my scrotum in bad RPGs, I don’t need another one.

Seriously guys, what the h*ll are you smoking?,
CJ

Fat Declared Not a Four Letter Word

Fifth Graders everywhere respond with “Duh”

On Aug. 11, 2004 Fat was officially declared not a four letter word by a group of fat people trying to look like inflated Power Rangers. No really, they all stood in a circle, held their arms out and did a stance normally reserved for people with varying utensils in their butts, and changed the minds of (at last count) absolutely no one.

There were marches (no more than a couple of blocks, for obvious reasons), and speeches, which either due to poor sound quality of my 20 dollar TV, or the the Jr. Whopper with cheese stuffed into their mouths, sounded a bit like a weed eater mulching a sack of poop. Which if you haven’t heard a weed eater mulching a sack of poop, I’d advise against it. In any case I couldn’t tell what they were saying.

Paula Campos, a leading NAAFA (which stands for: something something something FAT something) supporter, and three time hotdog eating champ, declared “A very significant portion of the population is going to be quite a bit heavier than the government guidelines tell everybody what they’re supposed to be,” says Campos. “There’s nothing you can do about that. It makes as much sense to say that everybody should be thin as saying everybody should be tall… What??!! Free Doughnuts?!?!”. After which, Campos took off tackling a nearby policeman who was handing out free doughnuts to children.*

Okay Campos, (who, despite rumor is NOT part of the Marx brothers) eating at McDonald’s wont make me tall. Last I checked Awesom’z HeightGain™©?®  is not a staple addition to the McDonalds menu, however, fat is. And luckily, my parents gave me the option of not having my memory gland removed, so I could remember back to all the times that I went to McDonalds, and all the fat fucks that I saw day after day.

I decided to ask a professional, so I contacted my friend Marcus, who has been working at McDonalds for about three weeks. “See it’s really a code word when you say you want your meal “Large”. We, the United Coalition of McDonald’s Workers and Occasional Superheroes, know when you say “Large”, you really mean, “Hey, I need as much fat as I can fit into my mouth on my lunch break”, and so we add an extra layer of Lard (see the resemblance?) to your food. Its on your ticket, but you’ve never bothered to look at it have you? That’s the reason we got rid of Supersize; we couldn’t keep up with demand.”

The fact of the matter is that fat isn’t going to be considered sexy by the majority of people with any social graces whatsoever any time soon, or possibly ever. Fabio, Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp, or that guy from GC isn’t going to sleep with you… ever… you big fatty.

* The policeman was unhurt, however the doughnuts suffered serious casualties. I wanted to give a visual representation of the plight of the poor destroyed doughnuts, so I searched Google for “smash doughnut” and got this picture. Sorry, best I could do, Google can’t be relied on for quality pastry destruction photos.