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Phillip and the Aliens

Part II : How to Help SETI Wrestle Planets

If you’re going to write a 10 page essay to beings from another galaxy, you don’t open with “I love you.” You’re going to ask them about how their technology can turn Yanni CDs into delicious pudding, or start comparing conquered planets and interstellar meatloaf recipes. This man should not be in charge of interplanetary communication. This man shouldn’t even be in charge of a damn bowl of chili.

Actual Wonderful Honest-to-God Phillip Quote:
“Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani!”    -Phillip trying desperately to convince the Aliens that he’s not crazy.

Phillip then decides that talking about god isn’t enough. You need to sing about him. Ending on a song only works in Musicals and Vaudeville, and certainly doesn’t work here. The song is about, yes you guessed it, love and God. If I ever get arrested for killing someone I’m going plead insanity on the grounds I was scarred by my own mental image of an elderly man singing to aliens about love.

In a dramatic switch in his paper from Insane Religio-babble to Psychotic Tech-gibberish, Phillip points out that SETI is breeding super human scientists called “Planet Hunters” to find, kill, and string up planets for various magazines about planet hunting. Each magazine will come with a foldout of a bikini model and once a year one will be named Ms. Asteroid.

My inside sources* (who will remain anonymous, let’s just call him the garbage man) also say that each of these scientist is over 300,000 feet tall, look like Elmer Fudd, and grapple the planets with their bare hands.

Phillip closes saying that ” I may well have already progressed farther than I realize down the path to senility. One would have to be at least a little mad to spend even a moment on converting extraterrestrials.” Amen Phillip, Amen.

So if aliens invade claiming that Jesus is the Xenonatic name for “Suck it, Funny Forehead”, then you know who to blame. Now if you’ll excuse me I have a fallout shelter to build.

*Some say that my source is a crack addict garbage man. Which may or may not be true. Either way he makes a helluva lot more sense than Phillip.

Phillip and the Aliens

Part I : What Not to Say to an Alien

Previously I had mentioned that I felt that the moon was the best place to get away from something dangerous. I found that this is not true,  and that Religious nuts were on the case. Phillip of http://www.christian­spacemission.org/ feels that it is necessary to spread the word to the stars and writes no less than a 10 page essay to aliens about Jesus, Love, and  how SETI is going to take over the world.

Phillip cites Seth Shostak, a SETI Institute Scientist, who said that “we’re going to hear from extraterrestrials by the year 2020 or 2025.” Apparently the aliens were kind enough to RSVP, and not only that, gave a 5 year window in which they would arrive, so we could set up a reception. If they’re late, the *hors d’oeuvres are mine.

*I wasn’t entirely sure how to spell hors d’oeuvres, so I searched how I thought it was spelled (orderves) I got “ordure’s”, which means “dung”. After some deliberation I figured that since the word was French, “ordure’s” was probably right. I was later corrected.

Then, Phillip goes on to write a love letter to aliens who may or may not exist. In the 3 or more pages he spends gushing about love he also explains what love is, how much Jesus and God love them, and that he, and I’m not making this up… loves them too.

Actual Wonderful Honest-to-God Phillip Quote:

“…I love you.”    – Phillip to the aliens

Thanks Phil, now the first message that we’re going to get back from aliens is going to be:

“Humans of Earth,

Thank you for the kind letter about your God and bedtime stories. Zernnorax especially liked the one about the talking snake. We appreciate that you love us, but we still just want to be friends.

Friends Forever,

Bloodsucking Aliens from Quadrant 9

PS – Please tell Phillip to stop calling”